A very persistent feeling [rant/advice]

[Aggrax]

I don't really know how to adequately describe this feeling, but I've tried my best. Lately I have had a weird persistent feeling that I'm going to die. I want to stress that this is not me being suicidal. I'm not having thoughts of ending my life, not any urges to try and do so. It also isn't related to any physical or mental pain. I don't feel any worse or better than any other moment. It isn't even an immediate feeling, like that I'm going to die next month or any time comparably close. It's just a persistent feeling that I have more years behind me than in front of me.

Writing it down makes it sound pretty stupid, but it's something that's been weighing on my mind a lot more recently and I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest. I'm sorry if this is the wrong forum to post this in, I wasn't sure where else to put it.

[nearly_takuan]

It also isn't related to any physical or mental pain. I don't feel any worse or better than any other moment.

Is this feeling distracting, or causing some other sort of problem? Or are you worried that it's linked to something else that might not be so benign? Or are you (or others) second-guessing your feelings about this?

Not that you need that kind of reason to share something like this, of course; it's just piquing my curiosity 'cause I've run into similar things where I'm like "so there's this brain thing happening that isn't affecting me in any way that seems like it would matter but at the same time it kind of seems like this might be important?" and I'm wondering if you have any additional insights on what that feeling actually is or if I'm just barking up the wrong tree.

[Enail]

Aggrax, I don't think that's stupid at all. It sounds quite distressing.

It's also something that I've seen in a few people who are depressed and sometimes it seems to lead to a sort of passive suicidal feeling, a tendency to become a bit careless with their safety because they feel like their death is going to happen anyway. So please keep an eye on yourself and definitely get help right away if you notice any leanings in that direction. I think it wouldn't be a bad idea to talk to a professional about it in any case; persistent, intrusive thoughts and feelings are something that they might be able to help you with too.

[Werel]

I don't think that's stupid at all, Aggrax; it sounds pretty familiar and troubling. Don't know if these thoughts are bothering you, or if you want to get rid of them, but I've struggled with persistent unwelcome thoughts too (though not just about my own death--death of god, end of world, etc. etc.) For me, they come in cycles of a few days or weeks, and the key is just to manage until the clouds break and the thought isn't popping in every thirty to sixty seconds. I've relied on various types of distraction, especially:

-changes of physical scenery
-physical movement: cars, trains, bikes, walking
-throwing myself into challenging but pleasant activities (taking a perfect photo of something in motion, difficult skill-based video games, etc)
-public places where people are happy and calm ("see, brain? the death of god can't be that bad if all these people are cheerfully buying Christmas gifts! all is apparently well!")
-goofy-ass action movies, preferably with lots of corny quips
-saying the scary thing out loud: one of the most difficult tactics, since saying a thing feels like making it real; but seeing someone else's look of "why the hell are you so worried about that?" was sometimes very beneficial.

Of course, I ultimately also managed intrusive panic thoughts with psychiatric medication, but the above definitely helped until the meds were working (or if you're not able/willing to do the meds thing). Sorry you're dealing with that shit.

Reading truly good novels helps me on the actual acceptance-of-mortality front, too.

[Aggrax]

It also isn't related to any physical or mental pain. I don't feel any worse or better than any other moment.

Is this feeling distracting, or causing some other sort of problem? Or are you worried that it's linked to something else that might not be so benign? Or are you (or others) second-guessing your feelings about this?

Not that you need that kind of reason to share something like this, of course; it's just piquing my curiosity 'cause I've run into similar things where I'm like "so there's this brain thing happening that isn't affecting me in any way that seems like it would matter but at the same time it kind of seems like this might be important?" and I'm wondering if you have any additional insights on what that feeling actually is or if I'm just barking up the wrong tree.

I'm constantly second guessing myself on this. Every time I think it's gone away, I start wondering if I'm just inventing a problems in order to get sympathy or attention. Then when it comes back I'm not sure if it's real or if I've just convinced myself it's real. So I haven't told anyone else about it because I don't want them to overreact to it. Especially if it is something I just keep making up like a mental hypochondriac. I don't want to bother people over a problem I can't even be sure exists.

It comes up the most when I'm trying to think about long term goals and problems. When I think about an exercise plan or getting a job or various other things like that, my brain seems like it defaults to "Doesn't really matter, you'll be dead in 5-10 years anyway."

I don't think that's stupid at all, Aggrax; it sounds pretty familiar and troubling. Don't know if these thoughts are bothering you, or if you want to get rid of them, but I've struggled with persistent unwelcome thoughts too (though not just about my own death--death of god, end of world, etc. etc.) For me, they come in cycles of a few days or weeks, and the key is just to manage until the clouds break and the thought isn't popping in every thirty to sixty seconds. I've relied on various types of distraction, especially:

-changes of physical scenery
-physical movement: cars, trains, bikes, walking
-throwing myself into challenging but pleasant activities (taking a perfect photo of something in motion, difficult skill-based video games, etc)
-public places where people are happy and calm ("see, brain? the death of god can't be that bad if all these people are cheerfully buying Christmas gifts! all is apparently well!")
-goofy-ass action movies, preferably with lots of corny quips
-saying the scary thing out loud: one of the most difficult tactics, since saying a thing feels like making it real; but seeing someone else's look of "why the hell are you so worried about that?" was sometimes very beneficial.

Of course, I ultimately also managed intrusive panic thoughts with psychiatric medication, but the above definitely helped until the meds were working (or if you're not able/willing to do the meds thing). Sorry you're dealing with that shit.

Reading truly good novels helps me on the actual acceptance-of-mortality front, too.

Distractions are kind of hit and miss for me. Recently things have actually been kind of okay because I've been distracted playing World of Warcraft a lot. Most of the time they only work when I'm actively being distracted. Once I'm alone and not doing anything, it all seems to come right back. There have even been a few times I've avoided going out or doing something just so I won't crash back at the end.

[InkAndComb]

This sounds a lot like anxiety to me, or at least how I first started experiencing it.

You said it wasn't a "painful" sensation; is it more of a repeated thought? Sort of like your inner voice being heard more that nothing is interrupting or distracting you?
Or is it more of a physical sensation, you just know what it means?

This has been hit and miss for me, and I'm not sure if it is advice you are seeking, but guided meditation is a good way to distract but also figure this out. I say guided specifically because I have never been able to sit in silence easily and the direction allows a gradual approach to whatever is making you uncomfortable (to say the least!).

If it's a purely physical sensation, Id suggest progressive muscle relaxation. This is also lessnew age-y, if that affects anything (it did for me at first)

[Aggrax]

This sounds a lot like anxiety to me, or at least how I first started experiencing it.

You said it wasn't a "painful" sensation; is it more of a repeated thought? Sort of like your inner voice being heard more that nothing is interrupting or distracting you?
Or is it more of a physical sensation, you just know what it means?

This has been hit and miss for me, and I'm not sure if it is advice you are seeking, but guided meditation is a good way to distract but also figure this out. I say guided specifically because I have never been able to sit in silence  easily and the direction allows a gradual approach to whatever is making you uncomfortable (to say the least!).

If it's a purely physical sensation, Id suggest progressive muscle relaxation. This is also lessnew age-y, if that affects anything (it did for me at first)

It's purely mental, which is why I've been so conflicted on how to handle it. I can only barely be sure there's actually a problem. It comes and goes without any sort of pattern to it. A big part of me feels like I'm making it up, that I'm subconsciously "faking" mental illness as a way to get attention. And so I don't want to talk to anyone about it because I feel like they will see through it. It was nagging at me enough to make me post here about it, but since I posted this it hasn't been happening as much. So now I'm worried that I'm "feeling better" because I've fulfilled my subconscious desire for attention from people, which makes me feel guilty for taking up everyone's time and for getting people to feel sorry for me when I don't deserve it. And above all that I feel like an idiot for having possibly made this up in the first place.

It makes replies like this really hard to type, since I second guess my motivation behind every word.

[Guest]

Aggrax, I have really been trying to stay away from the armchair diagnoses on this site but you, my friend, ARE DEPRESSED.

Persistent thoughts about your death?
Feeling unworthy of help?
Lack of motivation?

A lot of people on this site are finding this very familiar because we've been through it ourselves. I don't know what resources are available to you, and I know that your family have not been super helpful in terms of telling you that losing weight will solve all your problems. I really think you need outside help at this stage; to assess you to start with and then work out what medication/therapy combo might be right for you.

[Enail]

I've got to ask: what's wrong with seeking attention, by talking about something you're feeling, in a forum that welcomes both general and personal topics, in an appropriate thread?

Other people here may have had similar experiences, and find the responses helpful or be glad to see that they're not the only one. People might find it interesting because they're curious about how other people think and feel, or because they like to hear what's going on with one of the people they're spending time talking to here (ie, you). Hell, someone who's bored may just be glad to have some new posts to read! You're not doing anyone any harm by talking about a feeling you're having. Anyone who doesn't want to read it can just skip the thread.

[Aggrax]

I've got to ask: what's wrong with seeking attention, by talking about something you're feeling, in a forum that welcomes both general and personal topics, in an appropriate thread?

Other people here may have had similar experiences, and find the responses helpful or be glad to see that they're not the only one. People might find it interesting because they're curious about how other people think and feel, or because they like to hear what's going on with one of the people they're spending time talking to here (ie, you). Hell, someone who's bored may just be glad to have some new posts to read! You're not doing anyone any harm by talking about a feeling you're having. Anyone who doesn't want to read it can just skip the thread.  

I guess it's like, if I had titled this thread something like "Constantly thinking about my death", it would have been just as relevant to what I was saying as the title I used. But unlike the title I used, it also would have implied more urgency to the situation, like I was contemplating suicide and that this was an issue that needed to be addressed immediately, which is not the case. It feels like I tricked people in to paying attention by acting sensationalistic.

[Werel]

I guess it's like, if I had titled this thread something like "Constantly thinking about my death", it would have been just as relevant to what I was saying as the title I used. But unlike the title I used, it also would have implied more urgency to the situation, like I was contemplating suicide and that this was an issue that needed to be addressed immediately, which is not the case. It feels like I tricked people in to paying attention by acting sensationalistic.

But you didn't use the other title (which doesn't sound sensationalistic, just an equally clear description of the problem), but you still feel like you tricked people into paying attention....? Man, I think you are dealing with some varsity-level jerkbrain logic here.

Seconding what Enail said about this being exactly the place where people go because they're interested in reading about and responding to other people's problems/thoughts/questions/ideas. Nobody's being tricked or coerced or bribed into reading your posts. Unless there is some funny business going on in a mod backroom that I don't know about, in which case I WANT MY CUT, GUYS.

[Enail]

In addition to what Werel said, do you think you would feel the same way if someone else here posted about their persistent thoughts of dying with the same sort of subject line and description as you did? Would you think that was over-dramaticizing the topic or that if it went away after they'd talked about it it would mean they'd just been subconsciously making it up for attention, and would that mean they shouldn't have mentioned it in the first place?

[Aggrax]

I guess it's like, if I had titled this thread something like "Constantly thinking about my death", it would have been just as relevant to what I was saying as the title I used. But unlike the title I used, it also would have implied more urgency to the situation, like I was contemplating suicide and that this was an issue that needed to be addressed immediately, which is not the case. It feels like I tricked people in to paying attention by acting sensationalistic.

But you didn't use the other title (which doesn't sound sensationalistic, just an equally clear description of the problem), but you still feel like you tricked people into paying attention....? Man, I think you are dealing with some varsity-level jerkbrain logic here.

Seconding what Enail said about this being exactly the place where people go because they're interested in reading about and responding to other people's problems/thoughts/questions/ideas. Nobody's being tricked or coerced or bribed into reading your posts. Unless there is some funny business going on in a mod backroom that I don't know about, in which case I WANT MY CUT, GUYS.

Sorry, there was a wording issue with that. I meant that, had I done what I described above, it would feel like I was tricking people.

I guess I'm just don't want to bother people with things that aren't really important and I feel like, when I say them out loud, my problems don't sound as important as other peoples do.

In addition to what Werel said, do you think you would feel the same way if someone else here posted about their persistent thoughts of dying with the same sort of subject line and description as you did? Would you think that was over-dramaticizing the topic or that if it went away after they'd talked about it it would mean they'd just been subconsciously making it up for attention, and would that mean they shouldn't have mentioned it in the first place?

I don't know. I guess I would believe the problem is real, since they seem to think it is. What keeps bothering me about this is that I'm not sure the problem is real. I don't trust my own judgement nearly as much as I trust other peoples judgement.

[reboot]

Aggrax, you are aware that depression and diabetes are comorbid conditions, right? Your primary care physician should be screening you at least once a year because they are so closely linked: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression-and-diabetes/index.shtml

They do not know if diabetes causes depression or vice versa, but the two go together and make each other worse.

[Spiffo]

Memento Mori: remembering that you are mortal, and that you too will some day die.

Facing your own mortality is a really upsetting thing and I can't blame you for having trouble letting go of the thought. I went though the same sort of thing (and am likely to revisit the concept in the future, as I hit different milestones). Have you talked to the people around you about it? Different people cope with mortality in different ways. Some accept it and focus on living here and now, and some focus on the legacy that they'll leave behind. Many actually refuse to accept it and insist they'll be around forever. It's all part of coping.

I dealt with mine by thinking things like:
- I didn't exist before I was born, and I don't really have any bad feelings about that. I'm not going to mind after I'm gone either.
- Legacy: just because your life will end doesn't mean that you're gone forever. You pass things on to the future too. This could mean the things you pass on to your children, or if you don't plan on having children it still means the things you pass on to everyone else. This could be small interactions with other people, something more concrete like an invention. If you think you're not passing on anything, it's not too late to start. Simple things like mentoring younger people and being a good influence on them, passes on the ideas and attitudes that make you you.

Hope that makes sense. Condolences on having to go through this.

[Aggrax]

Aggrax, you are aware that depression and diabetes are comorbid conditions, right? Your primary care physician should be screening you at least once a year because they are so closely linked: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression-and-diabetes/index.shtml

They do not know if diabetes causes depression or vice versa, but the two go together and make each other worse.

I did have a brief conversation with my doctor about 4 months ago. I told him about my having seen a Psychologist for about a year, how I stopped due to monetary concerns and how I wasn't sure if it actually accomplished anything, other than me accidentally putting my car in a ditch on my way to our last appointment. Unfortunately it's all kind of a moot point right now. I can not afford to take on any more healthcare costs without assistance and my parents have made their opinion on the matters quite clear. It doesn't matter if I'm depressed or not, because there is nothing I can do about it either way.

[reboot]

Aggrax, you are aware that depression and diabetes are comorbid conditions, right? Your primary care physician should be screening you at least once a year because they are so closely linked: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression-and-diabetes/index.shtml

They do not know if diabetes causes depression or vice versa, but the two go together and make each other worse.

I did have a brief conversation with my doctor about 4 months ago. I told him about my having seen a Psychologist for about a year, how I stopped due to monetary concerns and how I wasn't sure if it actually accomplished anything, other than me accidentally putting my car in a ditch on my way to our last appointment. Unfortunately it's all kind of a moot point right now. I can not afford to take on any more healthcare costs without assistance and my parents have made their opinion on the matters quite clear. It doesn't matter if I'm depressed or not, because there is nothing I can do about it either way.

Do not be so sure of that. I do believe that depression in diabetes patients falls under part of diabetes management, not mental health under most healthcare plans. Most plans have special diabetes care programs where there is some sort of mental health component because it is in their best interest to treat depression since depressed patients do worse managing their diabetes. It may even be an ACA requirement that they cover depression in people with diabetes.

I would look at your health plan's website to see if they have one and try to enroll. You may need to ask your doctor to refer you.

[Aggrax]

Aggrax, you are aware that depression and diabetes are comorbid conditions, right? Your primary care physician should be screening you at least once a year because they are so closely linked: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression-and-diabetes/index.shtml

They do not know if diabetes causes depression or vice versa, but the two go together and make each other worse.

I did have a brief conversation with my doctor about 4 months ago. I told him about my having seen a Psychologist for about a year, how I stopped due to monetary concerns and how I wasn't sure if it actually accomplished anything, other than me accidentally putting my car in a ditch on my way to our last appointment. Unfortunately it's all kind of a moot point right now. I can not afford to take on any more healthcare costs without assistance and my parents have made their opinion on the matters quite clear. It doesn't matter if I'm depressed or not, because there is nothing I can do about it either way.

Do not be so sure of that. I do believe that depression in diabetes patients falls under part of diabetes management, not mental health under most healthcare plans. Most plans have special diabetes care programs where there is some sort of mental health component because it is in their best interest to treat depression since depressed patients do worse managing their diabetes. It may even be an ACA requirement that they cover depression in people with diabetes.

I would look at your health plan's website to see if they have one and try to enroll. You may need to ask your doctor to refer you.

I poked around the Humana website to see if I could find anything like this and wasn't very successful. I'll see about calling customer service tomorrow, though since it's my parents insurance I'm not sure if they'll be able to give me much information. I do know that my visits last year were not covered and I was diagnosed with diabetes at the time, though I wasn't on Insulin at the time.

[reboot]

I googled Humana and diabetes management and got this site
There are links for resources and a contact link.

[Aggrax]

I looked into it over the holidays and was able to determine that there would still be some out of pocket expense from my insurance, so that means it's off the table for now.

I'm still not entirely sure I can trust what I'm really feeling though. Maybe it's nothing and I'm just thinking it's worse because it's getting closer to Christmas. December is always kind of a roller coaster of feeling like crap and trying not to let people see that I'm feeling like crap so as not to ruin their holiday.

[Enail]

I think a lot of people find holidays hard; that doesn't mean the feelings aren't valid, though it's good to be aware that that might be triggering them at the moment.

[Aggrax]

I think a lot of people find holidays hard; that doesn't mean the feelings aren't valid, though it's good to be aware that that might be triggering them at the moment.

I just wish that my family would understand the mood whiplash that happens they go from telling me everything that I'm doing wrong and then asking what I want for Christmas. Excuse me for not wanting to think about what kind of gifts I want after being reminded that I'm flat broke and have destroyed my health. Thankfully it's not as bad as when I was in school, since now I don't also need to be reminded that I failed half my classes or listen to a lecture about how I need to start trying harder

[reboot]

I think a lot of people find holidays hard; that doesn't mean the feelings aren't valid, though it's good to be aware that that might be triggering them at the moment.

I just wish that my family would understand the mood whiplash that happens they go from telling me everything that I'm doing wrong and then asking what I want for Christmas. Excuse me for not wanting to think about what kind of gifts I want after being reminded that I'm flat broke and have destroyed my health. Thankfully it's not as bad as when I was in school, since now I don't also need to be reminded that I failed half my classes or listen to a lecture about how I need to start trying harder

One way to get around this is to ask for very practical things (e.g. contribution to the costs of covering diabetes management program) or something that your entire family can do together like an event, fair, concert, etc. (challenging if your family makes you want to pound your head on a wall). You could also ask them to donate in your name to a charity or propose a family volunteer activity so it is not "for you"

[Aggrax]

I think a lot of people find holidays hard; that doesn't mean the feelings aren't valid, though it's good to be aware that that might be triggering them at the moment.

I just wish that my family would understand the mood whiplash that happens they go from telling me everything that I'm doing wrong and then asking what I want for Christmas. Excuse me for not wanting to think about what kind of gifts I want after being reminded that I'm flat broke and have destroyed my health. Thankfully it's not as bad as when I was in school, since now I don't also need to be reminded that I failed half my classes or listen to a lecture about how I need to start trying harder

One way to get around this is to ask for very practical things (e.g. contribution to the costs of covering diabetes management program) or something that your entire family can do together like an event, fair, concert, etc. (challenging if your family makes you want to pound your head on a wall). You could also ask them to donate in your name to a charity or propose a family volunteer activity so it is not "for you"

I'll keep that in mind for next year. Part of why I feel so bad is that there are things I do want as gifts, but I don't feel I deserve to get them. Which makes me feel selfish for wanting to get things for myself and like an ass for letting my family spend money on me.

[Aggrax]

Had a doctor visit today. Good new, down 3 pounds, inching closer to being under 400. Bad news: Blood Sugar are still not under control, meaning an increase in both my fast-acting and slow-acting insulin injections. Also starting a thyroid hormone because my doctor thinks it may not be active enough. Also have a follow-up after the first of the year for more education on managing diabetes. Hopefully I can get a better handle on this in 2015, because I don't really enjoy these constant doctor visits.

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