Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

[nearly_takuan]

Aww, thanks.

Well, I was in a slightly different head-space during that first interaction, but also, if I'm remembering this right, any and all WTFs I may have emitted came from not knowing anything about your personality or motives (and imagining a hypothetical stranger in that position). And even that was due to my own silly interpretation of something that wasn't all that detailed.

But really, thanks.

[Guest]

@Nearly: It's a good profile! I'll admit the third paragraph kind of took me aback - it feels odd to be talking about lack of religion or parents in your profile as part of a summary of yourself. But I think this is from the perspective of someone who's pretty nonreligious, in the sense that neither believing nor nonbelieving makes up much of my life, and also doesn't have much a relationship with their parents (no abandonment or negativity, just not close). Perhaps a quick thing of some other things you do for fun in the first section, too? It's basically "Grew up in Hawaii, likes math and coding, academic, asexual." You mention biking and being happy outside when it's nice - maybe something about enjoying the wind or the sun, or finding fun with other people in co-op games and whatnot.

[nearly_takuan]

Oh, good things to think about, definitely!

Hm, I think I'll take out the religion bit for now while I reconsider what to do with it (if anything). I think it got there partly because I was getting a lot of visits / high match percentages / etc from people with very religious backgrounds and not-so-liberal not-so-scientific inclinations. I mean it makes some sense—that's what you might expect to see correlated to a "no sex before marriage" and/or "limited/no drug use" type, which on the surface looks compatible with my behavior. But maybe bringing it up at all is the wrong move; after all, I've already got "agnostic" right there on the sidebar.

[Guest]

Against my better wishes, I'm back on OLD.

With a vengeance.

EDIT: Aaaah, forget it.

[kath]

I think your profile sounds engaging and welcoming!

One thing is, your expression in most of the photos doesn't jive with the personality coming through in your profile. You look pretty cranky in a lot of them. I also think you David Lynch one is easier to see and might make a better profile pic, but if you can take one where you can both see your face and look relaxed / happy, that should be your go to for the main pic.

[Werel]

Yeah Mikey, why so serious in all your pics? Your profile leads me to expect a guy with a smile on his face, or at least a silly-serious look. The second one is close to silly-serious, the Walk of Fame one is fun, and the one with the Samuel L Jackson lookalike is appropriate for Badass Face, but your profile says "I'm goofy and fun" while your photos mostly say "I will fuck you up." Reconcile these things, maybe?

The profile itself is really good-- it's engaging, shows-not-tells your sense of humor, and makes you sound like a warm, well-rounded dude who's pretty comfortable in his own skin.  Only thing you might want to add is more talk about the types of activities you might actually go out and do with people you meet (I think you've mentioned bowling?). The "message me if" is a little too heavy on "I can teach you things" instead of "we can do stuff together".

[Guest]

I think your profile sounds engaging and welcoming!

One thing is, your expression in most of the photos doesn't jive with the personality coming through in your profile. You look pretty cranky in a lot of them. I also think you David Lynch one is easier to see and might make a better profile pic, but if you can take one where you can both see your face and look relaxed / happy, that should be your go to for the main pic.

I do have one like that, with more of a smile! I'll have to export it later tonight though, I'm running a little late. D:

Yeah Mikey, why so serious in all your pics? Your profile leads me to expect a guy with a smile on his face, or at least a silly-serious look. The second one is close to silly-serious, the Walk of Fame one is fun, and the one with the Samuel L Jackson lookalike is appropriate for Badass Face, but your profile says "I'm goofy and fun" while your photos mostly say "I will fuck you up." Reconcile these things, maybe?

The profile itself is really good-- it's engaging, shows-not-tells your sense of humor, and makes you sound like a warm, well-rounded dude who's pretty comfortable in his own skin.  Only thing you might want to add is more talk about the types of activities you might actually go out and do with people you meet (I think you've mentioned bowling?). The "message me if" is a little too heavy on "I can teach you things" instead of "we can do stuff together".

I'll have to remedy the picture situation later, but the updated pics should suffice as I'm running late for a Halloween party. D: But yes, I noticed after I finished posting all my pics and then I kinda forgot about it. The reason I don't smile a whole lot and smirk in most my pics is because for the longest time I was shy of my two front buck teeth. But then I realized as I got older, "eh, it's not as bad as I think, it actually looks kinda cute."

Okie, I'll add in stuff I'd like to do with people I meet, but I'm just wondering under what section I'd put that in... and I will also fix the Message Me If section as well.

EDIT: That a little bit better?

[Werel]

You wanna go bowling? Perhaps shoot some pool? Maybe have a beer with me? Explore the city, visit a museum, or have a bowl of ramen? Whatever you want, we can do.

Good until the last sentence, which... eehh, I dunno, strikes me wrong. Like you're too ready to give a stranger total control over what should be the fun collaborative process of a date, or like it's coming on too strong, or something not quite right. But the rest of it sounds good!

You should definitely try to get some smiling pics, because yes, odd teeth can be adorable and sometimes wicked sexy. This is A Thing corroborated by several of my female friends.

[Guest]

Good until the last sentence, which... eehh, I dunno, strikes me wrong. Like you're too ready to give a stranger total control over what should be the fun collaborative process of a date, or like it's coming on too strong, or something not quite right. But the rest of it sounds good!

You should definitely try to get some smiling pics, because yes, odd teeth can be adorable and sometimes wicked sexy. This is A Thing corroborated by several of my female friends.

All righty, then what do suggest for a final closing statement?

And yes, I've always been a little shy about my teeth. Glad to hear the ladies can dig it. =3

[nearly_takuan]

I hate using the term in this kind of context because it reeks of mind games, but "whatever you want" sounds desperate and indecisive. Like you'll go anywhere with anyone, and the previous remarks are ideas but not opinions or preferences, or else you're hedging. Either way, probably too wide a net.

(Then again, I have the same problem. It's hard to not say "message me no matter who you are" when your inbox has been empty for months.)

Hm, how about "There's lots to do around here so I bet we can find something!" Still very generic but implies a more collaborative decision-making style. (Or if you prefer a more rigid grammatical structure, "there is a lot" would be closer to conventionally correct English.)

[Guest]

I hate using the term in this kind of context because it reeks of mind games, but "whatever you want" sounds desperate and indecisive. Like you'll go anywhere with anyone, and the previous remarks are ideas but not opinions or preferences, or else you're hedging. Either way, probably too wide a net.

(Then again, I have the same problem. It's hard to not say "message me no matter who you are" when your inbox has been empty for months.)

Hm, how about "There's lots to do around here so I bet we can find something!" Still very generic but implies a more collaborative decision-making style. (Or if you prefer a more rigid grammatical structure, "there is a lot" would be closer to conventionally correct English.)

To be frank, those are things I love doing anyway, so I wouldn't have put them down if I didn't.

But what are your suggestions?

[nearly_takuan]

Oh, hah, based on what you're saying now (and reading again) I can see that you might have meant it to say "whichever of these you want to do", which is much less open-ended than what I was initially thinking, which was that it sounded like "if none of these interest you, then you pick something and we'll just do that." That's what I meant by it sounding weak to me.

Still, I feel like you're already saying go ahead and send me a message if you're interested in doing any of these things without that last sentence there at all. It's not adding much. (And to be honest, neither is the thing I suggested; how comfortable would you be with just ending the sentence with your final suggestion?)

Er... do keep in mind that I hardly represent the most common opinions most of the time, but I would definitely leave off any remarks about how bad you are at bowling, as well as anything that comes with a self-directed LOL attached (unless that's a written tic you're especially prone to, in which case you might as well get it out in the open early). Mostly because hearing other people talk about how good/bad they are at a thing beforehand tends to cause an overall reduction in how much fun I expect to have (I either imagine winning too easily, being guilted into letting them win, or actually trying and then losing embarrassingly to someone who claims to be not very good—so they must have an even lower opinion of me). Whereas if it's presented as just a thing to do, in a casual sort of way, then I just show up and play a bit and have fun.

ETA: There. I'm very interested in seeing what other folks think, but I like the looks of that now. (Yep, I'm watchin' you work. :twisted:)

[Guest]

Oh, hah, based on what you're saying now (and reading again) I can see that you might have meant it to say "whichever of these you want to do", which is much less open-ended than what I was initially thinking, which was that it sounded like "if none of these interest you, then you pick something and we'll just do that." That's what I meant by it sounding weak to me.

Still, I feel like you're already saying go ahead and send me a message if you're interested in doing any of these things without that last sentence there at all. It's not adding much. (And to be honest, neither is the thing I suggested; how comfortable would you be with just ending the sentence with your final suggestion?)

Er... do keep in mind that I hardly represent the most common opinions most of the time, but I would definitely leave off any remarks about how bad you are at bowling, as well as anything that comes with a self-directed LOL attached (unless that's a written tic you're especially prone to, in which case you might as well get it out in the open early). Mostly because hearing other people talk about how good/bad they are at a thing beforehand tends to cause an overall reduction in how much fun I expect to have (I either imagine winning too easily, being guilted into letting them win, or actually trying and then losing embarrassingly to someone who claims to be not very good—so they must have an even lower opinion of me). Whereas if it's presented as just a thing to do, in a casual sort of way, then I just show up and play a bit and have fun.

But that doesn't mean that I'm not open to hearing what girls may wanna do either. It ain't all about me. ;D

And I'm quite comfy with leaving the last suggestion and nixing the last sentence, I really wanna say "Just message me already, dammit!" But I guess that's frowned upon.

Well, what I was doing there I was being honest and letting any potential dates know, "Hey, it's not a big deal if you're terrible at this thing, I am too; I think bowling is a different thing from the normal every day stuff and not many people are entirely dedicated to the sport." I know that's a lot of subtext for ONE tiny parenthetical anecdote, but that's how my brain works. Trust me, when I'm helping students at work I'll say something very similar so they don't feel bad if they don't know something highly advanced and I'll say "Eh, don't worry about it, happens all the time" or "Oh yeah, I always forget too, so it's no big deal". It's my own brand of easing people into thinking "We're all people and we ain't perfect."

So in this case it was a matter of, "It's cool if you suck at bowling, I do too."

[nearly_takuan]

But that doesn't mean that I'm not open to hearing what girls may wanna do either. It ain't all about me. ;D

And I'm quite comfy with leaving the last suggestion and nixing the last sentence, I really wanna say "Just message me already, dammit!" But I guess that's frowned upon.

I have the same problem. It's hard to not say "message me no matter who you are" when your inbox has been empty for months.

Well, what I was doing there I was being honest and letting any potential dates know, "Hey, it's not a big deal if you're terrible at this thing, I am too; I think bowling is a different thing from the normal every day stuff and not many people are entirely dedicated to the sport." I know that's a lot of subtext for ONE tiny parenthetical anecdote, but that's how my brain works. Trust me, when I'm helping students at work I'll say something very similar so they don't feel bad if they don't know something highly advanced and I'll say "Eh, don't worry about it, happens all the time" or "Oh yeah, I always forget too, so it's no big deal". It's my own brand of easing people into thinking "We're all people and we ain't perfect."

So in this case it was a matter of, "It's cool if you suck at bowling, I do too."

If she doesn't suck at bowling, do you still want to go bowling with her?

If she goes bowling with you and does a lot better than you, do you think she will still have fun?

If she goes bowling with you and does a lot worse than you, do you think she will still have fun?

My current thoughts on the matter come at least partly from my own answers to those questions, which aren't necessarily the same as yours (and you may, of course, not feel that these are relevant considerations at all).

Right now I am wrestling with the idea of making some kind of gentle/humorous remark (but not like "joking" or kidding) about bumper lanes. Phrasing's hard.

[Guest]

If she doesn't suck at bowling, do you still want to go bowling with her?

If she goes bowling with you and does a lot better than you, do you think she will still have fun?

If she goes bowling with you and does a lot worse than you, do you think she will still have fun?

My current thoughts on the matter come at least partly from my own answers to those questions, which aren't necessarily the same as yours (and you may, of course, not feel that these are relevant considerations at all).

Right now I am wrestling with the idea of making some kind of gentle/humorous (but not like "joking" or kidding) about bumper lanes. Phrasing's hard.

Oh yeah, I totally would; bring out that competitive spirit if she starts acting cocky about it too. :3

I definitely think she will so long as I'm not a sourpuss about it and am enjoying myself as well. But if she does worse than me? Again, so long as it's friendly, playful and fun I think she'd enjoy it. No need to a perfect score of 300. Also, I'd be curious if she'd wanna join me in my bumper lane (giggity).

[Guest]

Aaaaah, can't believe I'm doooing thiiiissss...
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/emberweasel

Photo order is a bit hinky at the moment, and I am aware I have answered too many damn questions - I'm in the process of slowly unanswering them as I see ones that aren't important to me.

[reboot]

You sound a little defensive throughout the whole thing.

I would drop the ETA because it sounds like whining about and/or criticizing OLD and other people's profiles. Neither are appealing things to be doing.

Your self summary could use more show not tell. There is a lot of saying what you are but not a lot of demonstrating who you are by what you are doing, what is important to you, etc.

For your Saturday activities, I would say out and about doing X, Y, or Z.

There are some great parts in your profile, but a lot of clutter that I thimk may be giving an impression you are not aiming for. And yay cheese!

[Guest]

Thanks reboot!  I've made a few changes already but will work on the self-summary to make it sound less defensive and more show-not-tell.

The ETA at the bottom regarding married men is because I have been DELUGED in the last few days, but I agree, it's not a good thing to have on one's profile.

[eselle28]

The ETA at the bottom regarding married men is because I have been DELUGED in the last few days, but I agree, it's not a good thing to have on one's profile.

Ugh. Yes. It's an issue with online dating. I think your profile's better now that it's off, mostly because married people who use OkCupid in tone deaf, pestery ways tend not to pay much attention to the profiles of people they write (or at least none of the ones who've written me in the past never bothered with what I said I was looking for).

[Guest]

It looks good to me! I also cracked up because a user called "thef0rce" was on the "similar users" sidebar.

I actually think it may have swung a little too far in the "show don't tell" arena of things, but take that with as many grains of salt as you like - I get the sense of a quirky, funny woman, but I feel like it's harder to tell what kind of interactions one might expect with you, whether you'd be more bubbly or if it would hide under the surface at first, if you're energetic or relaxed, etc. Especially if someone is going through a lot of profiles.

Also, this is apropos of nothing, but I keep getting distracted by how effin' cute your forum pic is. omg.

[Guest]

Weasels: murderously cute!

Thanks for the feedback, I will think about how to get across what it might be like for people interacting with me.  That's kind of tough though, because my idea of how other people see me is probably totally off!

I too was amazed by your beautiful hair pics, by the way... the peacock hair is just.. I am mesmerised!

ETA: Thanks for all the visits by the way, I am spotting some familiar faces on my visitors list!

[BasedBuzzed]

Only thing I'd add is that I'd move the horse pic to the front so you have a nice variation of face/upper body/complete body in the first 3 pics, and specify what kind of work you actually do, and which hobbies are your main ones.

[Guest]

Thanks BB, changes made!

[nearly_takuan]

I'm not looking for the traditional relationship escalation of cohabitation to marriage to babies, so if that's your goal I wish you well in your search but I am not the lass for you.

Good to have this in, but I don't think what you are looking for quite comes across..? More of an observation than a recommendation to change anything, 'cause getting too specific could easily backfire.

Really, it's a very strong profile; I'm not seeing anything that would be worth changing.

Well, I can kind of see what Autumnflame is getting at, but I'm of the opinion that wanting to know what interacting with a person would be like is exactly what should prompt people to interact with each other (e.g. send a message, invite you to a sushi bar or juice shop with room for counter-offers, meet at the agreed-upon place and time, see what that is like).

[reboot]

Love the revision!

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