Re: Rants

by OneTrueGuest Tue Jan 27, 2015 2:04 pm

TheRoux wrote:Sometimes, I'll try a little poke (figuratively), and you'll stop me in my tracks. But you still come back for more...

I know we aren't supposed to respond to rants but this made me feel quite uncomfortable and I needed to say something. It sounds to me like this person is only interested in being friends if every time you attempt to push things gently forwards they stop you in your tracks. When you then say "but you still come back for more" it suggests that you think that maybe this person is teasing you, or wanting you to push, despite shutting you down. But what I see from your story is someone who likes being your friend and is very clear that that is all they want by consistently shutting you down. It's possible for someone to enjoy hanging out late at night and having a drink without it being sexual. The idea that you think by virtue of coming back to do that this person is giving mixed signals makes me extremely uncomfortable. This person thinks they are safely hanging out with someone, and you are thinking they are playing games and by coming over sending signals of interest despite shutting you down multiple times. I think it would be wise to either ask this person out or assume friendship and stop figuratively poking at them. And remember that people are allowed to enjoy the company of others at any time of day they like without it being a signal that they want sexytimes.

by azazel Tue Jan 27, 2015 4:05 pm

OneTrueGuest wrote: I think it would be wise to either ask this person out or assume friendship and stop figuratively poking at them.

Yessssss. I had to terminate a friendship once because she didn't understand that if I wasn't biting on clear hints it meant I wasn't interested and didn't ask me out so I couldn't tell her I didn't saw her that way.

by TheRoux Tue Jan 27, 2015 4:26 pm

@OneTrueGuest

Yes, you are absolutely right. Our hanging out is exclusively friendly and it has been clear from the start. I've got no master plan other than simply enjoy her company. The rest is nothing but wishful thinking on my part.

I'll answer in full in my other thread here later today.

Back to the rants

by The Wisp Tue Jan 27, 2015 10:12 pm

People need to understand that just because somebody is nice and friendly and likable to their friends and family does not mean they're not capable of doing bad shit, or that they're a good person. Usually that's a good sign they aren't a bad person or capable of bad shit, but not always.

by **Werel** Wed Jan 28, 2015 12:22 am

1. Get paper accepted to very good conference
2. Dance!
3. Look at list of plenary speakers for conference
4. See name of scholar who eviscerated you during question session of your first-ever conference talk a couple years ago
5. See that aforementioned mean guy is giving plenary on the exact same topic as your paper
6. Consider just staying home with your tail between your legs

by waxingjaney Wed Jan 28, 2015 12:33 am

Naah, that's when you have fun with it.
"Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper! I am not afraid!"

by Guest Wed Jan 28, 2015 3:35 am

Werel wrote:1. Get paper accepted to very good conference
2. Dance!
3. Look at list of plenary speakers for conference
4. See name of scholar who eviscerated you during question session of your first-ever conference talk a couple years ago
5. See that aforementioned mean guy is giving plenary on the exact same topic as your paper
6. Consider just staying home with your tail between your legs

A Werel-dance? Please tell me it's like a Moe Szyslak dance!

My advice? Go anyway, have fun. Razz

by Gentleman Johnny Wed Jan 28, 2015 4:01 am

Werel wrote:1. Get paper accepted to very good conference
2. Dance!
3. Look at list of plenary speakers for conference
4. See name of scholar who eviscerated you during question session of your first-ever conference talk a couple years ago
5. See that aforementioned mean guy is giving plenary on the exact same topic as your paper
6. Consider just staying home with your tail between your legs

Alternate 6
plan to go in both guns blazing and put him off balance. Smile

by **Werel** Wed Jan 28, 2015 3:36 pm

Ahhhh thank y'all for the much-needed reminder to just gather my courage and sass. Nuts to this guy, I'm gonna kill it.

by caliseivy Wed Jan 28, 2015 6:27 pm

Werel wrote: Ahhhh thank y'all for the much-needed reminder to just gather my courage and sass. Nuts to this guy, I'm gonna kill it.

DAMN RIGHT YOU ARE Grin

Also, it's been a few years and it was your first time. A lot of improvement can happen in a few years' time.

Rant: I have the strong desire to beg my teacher to receive an alternate essay prompt, but that would be me not owning up to my feelings and facing issues like an adult.
I've only looked at half of the required reading for the essay and already want to track down a certain singer and break his jaw so this is going to be a tough one.

by InkAndComb Wed Jan 28, 2015 8:53 pm

I hate living where I do. I hate it so much. Small town, middle of nowhere, some good people but most people don't want to say anything in class, ever, and it's far too socially conservative for me as a person. There are so many ignorant people here as well (conservative or not) and it is just baffling to me that a good portion of people at my age are already married and having children. I want to be in a community that reflects me instead of gets uncomfortable when I wear too many colors and not enough makeup.

by The Wisp Wed Jan 28, 2015 9:08 pm

I was so focused on making my appointment on time right after class today that I rushed out and left my phone there. I come back within a couple minutes, realizing that I forgot it, and it was gone. Sad

Hopefully the teacher found it, I sent her an email and am waiting on it.

ETA: Yay! The teacher found it!

by Guest Wed Jan 28, 2015 9:19 pm

Body, I wish you had a different reaction to certain kinds of stress/embarrassment/anger than breaking down into tears. It is not helpful in almost all the situations I encounter and is grossly embarrassing to boot, especially when I have to explain through ugly sobs that I'm not actually that upset, it's just an unhelpful physiological reaction. And on top of that having that reaction just makes me feel worse above and beyond whatever triggered it.

by KMR Thu Jan 29, 2015 12:59 am

Autumnflame wrote:Body, I wish you had a different reaction to certain kinds of stress/embarrassment/anger than breaking down into tears. It is not helpful in almost all the situations I encounter and is grossly embarrassing to boot, especially when I have to explain through ugly sobs that I'm not actually that upset, it's just an unhelpful physiological reaction. And on top of that having that reaction just makes me feel worse above and beyond whatever triggered it.

Wow, this describes me exactly. I totally empathize.

by Guest Thu Jan 29, 2015 7:17 am

My mum had to go to hospital yesterday again. Just for a few hours - pain hit her really hard and built up fast. She's been fine today though, which is good.

I keep getting these little episodes of anxiety over it all. They don't last too long, but my heart feels like it's going to explode, I get light headed and I can't concentrate on anything.

I got a total of two hours sleep last night because she got rushed away and, I hate to look like I'm making her issue about me because it really isn't - I'm, quite rightly, the least of everyone's worries. But I'm a natural stresser and worrier myself. This stuff plagues me and I can't just calm down on command.

I just wish we had an idea what the hell was wrong in the first place. Then there's a route to take. As it stands, she just gets bouts of inexplicable pain that can be debilitating.

I hope they call her in for more tests soon.

by Guest Thu Jan 29, 2015 1:22 pm

Are you serious? I gotta update Flash again? WTF. Okay, yeah, all right, I'm fine with switching to HTML5 now if it means I don't have to deal with Adobe not keeping up with Flash updates and if it's safe to use too.

by OneTrueGuest Thu Jan 29, 2015 1:26 pm

What. Is. Wrong. With. Me.

Why do I keep engaging people online in conversations about sexism this week? This can and does only ever ends badly!! I'm so tired of having conversations with people for whom the debate is just a linguistic exercise, a philosophical meandering, for whom it's just a fun way to pass the time, but for me, for me, it's my life. It's my lived existence. You are using the issues and problems I face everyday as a fun jumping off point to play some intellectual games. And then you end it, you go on with your life, and all is grand. Me? I'm left emotionally drained, exhausted and upset. And it's not because I'm more emotional and you're more logical. It's because the conversation actually is important and matters to the quality of my life and for you it's just a silly little way to pass the time.

Fuck you.

by InkAndComb Thu Jan 29, 2015 5:08 pm

OTG, I almost posted this last week! Are you in my Social Work class? xD

So I kept getting the feeling that my group in class was all judging each other, and I've figured out why; we have all been assuming that we (each as individuals) come from a place of "supreme' privilege and couldn't possibly be from another background than the small, conservative town that we're currently in.

None of us are from here. All of us have lived in sketchier areas. *facepalm* Each time one of us brings up a point it's like...subtley "check your privilege" and it's getting ridiculous, considering we haven't really discussed our backgrounds and we are all from different cultures. Bah.

by The Wisp Thu Jan 29, 2015 10:32 pm

99% percent of social and dating advice, even from the good people, amounts to this:

- Be yourself
- It's a numbers game
- Get out more
- Be yourself
-Talk to more people
- Something something about self improvement that will help you once you get a friendship or relationship but not in getting them
- "Be" "yourself"
- It's... a fucking... numbers game
- Be an extrovert...
- ...while still "being yourself" of course
- Meh, it's all luck based

by Gentleman Johnny Fri Jan 30, 2015 3:59 am

I think "be yourself" is bad advice. Be the kind of person that you want to be is closer to it. Find the kind of person that would want to date the ind of person you want to be. There's a certain amount of be the kind of person that would appeal to the kind of person you want to date but chances are that sentence and the previous overlap considerably.

by BasedBuzzed Fri Jan 30, 2015 8:49 am

This probably goes for all motivational advice in whatever category. Anything that isn't "100% foolproof method" will sound like "fling stuff at the wall until it sticks".

by **reboot** Fri Jan 30, 2015 9:18 am

"Get out more" and "Talk to more people" are pretty much the only ways to meet people you do not already know. Of course it is hard and unpleasant advice for someone like yourself who is introverted, has social anxiety, and does not like most people, but there really is no other option.

Sorry about that. Not sure what I was thinking.

Wisp, I feel the same with all the appearance improvement advice in dating. Trust me, if I could remodel my physiology, I would, but cannot. So hearing "look better" gets to me too.

by **eselle28** Fri Jan 30, 2015 10:05 am

<mod>Even if there are only a few solutions to a problem, it's still pretty understandable to be frustrated with the lack of alternatives. I don't think the complaint about the lack of other sorts of dating advice was an invitation for discussion, nor were any forum policies violated, so let's all drop the subject.</mod>

by **Enail** Fri Jan 30, 2015 12:22 pm

Argh, I am so sick of helpful people! And the worst of it is, how the hell do you complain about people being helpful without hurting feelings undeservedly and coming off as a total jerk!?

by nearly_takuan Fri Jan 30, 2015 5:59 pm

Look, I know when I'm getting nervous/anxious/worried/apprehensive. I don't really need an additional physiological reminder. But on top of that, you know what really doesn't help, digestive system o' mine? When you do things that make me late or embarrass me in public. This is not how friends treat each other.

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