Re: My Current Life as a 40 Year Old Virgin (WARNING: LONG)

[Datelessman]

I think you're doing the right thing in actively seeking out like minds, in the places they congregate, and all communication practice is helpful. As you note, the risk seems to be that you might get really good at communicating but only within a specific, anonymous environment.

That is true, although I'd argue I already am well past that concern considering all of my online bleating about my virginity or lack of a love life. I've no problem writing WAR AND PEACE-length dissertations about my lack of getting laid either here or on my own blog. I absolutely have a problem talking about that to any real, live person -- be they a friend, family member, or therapist. But that's been how I roll for, geez, at least 8 or 9 years now.

The difference is online role playing with others regarding my unspeakable fetish is at least fun. And, if I am honest, also likely allows me a level of control in an area where I feel I have none.

There is also a sense of following thru on some other advice I have been given -- that either I take the plunge and try dating again, or figure out how to live without doing so and not be miserable (or make myself miserable). Well, this is one way to do the latter. I can explore something about my sexuality in a format and manner I consider safe, comfortable, fun, and even a bit flattering. I may be a virgin but various "text avatars" are not. And I know that the classic film "DEMOLITION MAN" taught us all that virtual sex was not the same as real sex, but for some it may be all we can get, so we may as well thrive in it. I am getting some practice and education into some dating moves, sure. But it isn't purely a means to an end. I'm not seeing this as running up a flight of stairs in Philly before taking on Apollo Creed. And yes, I am dork who just referenced two Sly Stallone vehicles.

I know some folks hate when I generalize or treat "women" as a monolith, but the reality is any dating attempt I make is going to be difficult and likely underwhelming. Because I am choosing to date within my age cohort (and not troll for women about half my age like many "late blooming" egotistical creeps do), a notable chunk of my available options will either be women seeking a short-term rebound after the end of marriages/LTR's, or women also fretting about being single past a certain age willing to settle for second or third best (I estimate I am about 67th best). Outside of sitcoms or celebrity circles, from what I have experienced, hardly any heterosexual persons over 40 who are single have wild, passionate, toe-curling sex with anyone else. Heck, the percentage of people who admit they haven't had sex in 1-2 years was increasing even before Covid-19. Planning for a return to that scene means a lot of stress about papering over my faults, watching everything I say and do, observing my own emotional growth, having zero margin for error, and overall not having any fun whatsoever. It's a second job. Or a third, considering I am a caretaker.

But this? This can be fun, and I can escape the limits of my past. I don't have to be a 40 year old virgin with arrested development there. I can be fun and witty and intelligent, and a moderately kinky beast. I don't have to make plans on how to justify my very existence and right to interact with others; I just have to follow the rules and norms, and not be a jerkwad. It may help me after all IRL, but in the meantime it's a nugget of pleasure in an often stressful world.

[inbloomer]

I had one big phase of doing online chatting as a teenager, when mass access to the internet was just taking off, then one later on, which was shorter, narrower and more kink-focused. My personal experience was that you got that excitement rush of meeting new people and things would either fizzle or escalate that much more quickly than in real life ... but that you'd hit problems after that, feeling you'd found a real connection but they were too far away for meeting up plans ever to be realistic, and they might well turn out not to be who they'd been posing as anyway. I'm not saying don't enjoy it for the moment, but just be aware of the limitations.

[Datelessman]

I had one big phase of doing online chatting as a teenager, when mass access to the internet was just taking off, then one later on, which was shorter, narrower and more kink-focused. My personal experience was that you got that excitement rush of meeting new people and things would either fizzle or escalate that much more quickly than in real life ... but that you'd hit problems after that, feeling you'd found a real connection but they were too far away for meeting up plans ever to be realistic, and they might well turn out not to be who they'd been posing as anyway. I'm not saying don't enjoy it for the moment, but just be aware of the limitations.

I appreciate the advice, and I am aware of the limitations. The "modern internet" as it is sometimes called emerged when I was in high school and I went to college as the social media aspect was just forming. Heck, I remember when Ok Cupid wasn't exclusively a dating website, and that was just some new fangled experiment they were trying on the side. The irony is that I've heard that OKC has gotten worse, or at least more difficult to find success with, ever since they changed their format and essentially became Tindr Lite about 7 or so years ago. I probably should have gone whole hog on online dating in my 20's or early 30's, I might have succeeded just out of tenacity because it was still so new or trendy. But, that's over now.

But no, I am not blending fact and fiction here with the kink role playing. I've never spoken to anyone beyond what I call "shop talk," i.e. talk about the topic at hand. I am not seeking a "real life" connection with anyone and I would be unnerved and put off if someone tried to do that. "Hey, how about we meet in real life? I live on the east coast, too," is about the quickest way to get me to disengage at this point. I don't need to be catfished or set up for a "honey trap," thank you.

[Datelessman]

This update won't be too long, I promise!

Back in August, an episode of Disney+'s "SHE-HULK" with a bit revolving around Steve Rogers' supposed "virginity" started one of my usual kvetch fests. I used it as "evidence" defending my angst, essentially.

So now, in the name of fairness and public interest, I want to share an example of a POSITIVE incident involving male virginity from within the same franchise! Maybe this should go in "Entertainment Joys," which has devolved to "long winded reviews of stuff I watch," but I think it fits here too.

Marvel relaunched a SHE-HULK ongoing comic book series written by Rainbow Rowell (and drawn by Rogê Antônio and Luca Maresca) in January. Rowell is a novelist (best known for YA stuff like the Simon Snow series, "Eleanor & Park" and "Fangirl") who started dabbling in comics in 2017 when she relaunched RUNAWAYS. I loved her Runaways so when she was tapped for Shulk, a character I have only collected runs of sparingly, I jumped on it. Like RUNAWAYS, the narrative pace is very slow but the characterization and dialogue more than make for it, as does the artwork.

I may as well include spoiler tags, even though far fewer people read comic books than watch TV shows on streaming devices.

Spoiler:

The positive thing comes from this week's 7th issue.

Spoiler:

Despite this being a comic book and comics are usually seen as "less than" other forms of media like TV shows, I actually found this to be one of the simplest yet most positive expressions of this dynamic I've experienced.

Spoiler:

It's way better than, say, the last act of "THE 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN," for comparison. It's also rare when a comic book set in the Marvel Universe involving a green gamma-woman and a formerly radioactive half-alien dude handles something in a more realistic way than bigger budget "mainstream" media. The "SHE-HULK" steaming show is actually mostly produced, directed, and written by women; yet Rowell clearly has a different perspective. Women aren't a monolith and have differing styles of humor; imagine that.

Reading this made me feel good and hopeful. It's stuff like this which could help ware down those negative stereotypes or self defeating beliefs in the "community" of people I am an unintentional part of. Who says comic books can't be good for you?

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