Re: Depression and dating

by **Enail** Fri Feb 22, 2019 12:06 am

I think you should let go of the idea that you and Katie might get back together; if it were something you had pretty low investment in, that you could say "hey, maybe some day" and pretty much not think any more about it, maybe it would be something you could keep in mind, but the fact that it's hurting you this much when she's interested in someone else shows that you're pinning way too much on something that it sounds like is an extremely vague possibility. And the fact that a big part of what upsets you is that it means you'll have to find someone else suggests that you're seeing her less as a specific person that you had a fun time dating for a while and more as the answer to the girlfriend-shaped hole in your life, which isn't great for either of you, or a very appealing attitude to bring to the next potential date you meet.

by ReploidArmada Fri Feb 22, 2019 12:24 am

Yeah, I suppose you're right. It doesn't help me to envy what she now has without me. And it probably helps me less to hold onto the idea that Katie will end up getting back together with me... But, I just don't know what to do with myself right now.

The first woman who was interested in me enough to ask to be together with me decided a full 11 days afterwards that she wasn't feeling it enough to continue, and *now* she's found someone else to chase after, while I'm still busy with what feels like a waste of time and energy on OLD apps, trying desperately to get some sort of new connection. Honestly, between Jen, Katie, and all of the time spent on OLD in the interim, I feel like my efforts to find someone special are being wasted - not only by myself, but also in part by the people I've met through OLD.

by **Enail** Fri Feb 22, 2019 12:48 am

Not everyone's a good fit for everyone else. It's normal for people to spend some time getting to know each other before realizing that - how else would people figure out who they are compatible with? That's not wasting your efforts, it's how dating (and indeed non-romantic relationships) works, and I can't really see what would not count as wasting your efforts in that case, unless you think everyone should just spend the rest of their life with the first person who asks them out, regardless of compatibility or connection?

by ReploidArmada Fri Feb 22, 2019 1:21 am

Well, let's see if I can kinda justify or elucidate what I meant by that.

First, a recap: Jen, if you remember, was the first woman I ever went out with, and the only woman thus far to offer to have sex with me. The main reason that didn't work out was entirely on me, as I just wasn't able to penetrate her *at all*, no matter which position we tried out of like four or five different ones. After that, I spent about seven or eight months trying to find someone else on OLD, and went out on a few first dates that didn't work out for various reasons. After a dry spell of about three to four months, I met Katie in January, and I thought we hit it off pretty well - only for her to, well, you know. Now, I'm back on OLD, using three different apps at once instead of just OKCupid like I was before, and I'm still failing at finding anyone worth my time on any of them.

The reason why I said "I feel like my efforts to find someone special are being wasted..." is that I've tried, and tried, and tried, to find someone to be with both in person and online. Nothing has worked for any length of time beyond short-term. Jen didn't work out because I couldn't have sex with her, Katie didn't because she wasn't feeling it, and who knows why my other dates didn't work out, either. (At least, one of them I know we weren't looking for the same things. I was looking to find a girlfriend and she wanted to foster children with someone.) Now that I'm back on OLD, that isn't working out either. My OKCupid and Bumble accounts aren't getting any amount of attention from anyone, and the attention I am getting on POF is mostly from bot accounts, or people I don't have interest in.

I don't mean to imply that "everyone should just spend the rest of their life with the first person who asks them out," but at this point, I just want a fighting chance. So far, I don't think I've gotten one.

by **Enail** Fri Feb 22, 2019 1:43 am

What would a fighting chance mean, though? Someone who wasn't feeling it should keep dating you anyway? Someone who was looking for a co-foster parent should be your girlfriend instead? People who weren't interested in your profile go out with you anyway? I know it's frustrating that you want this so much and it hasn't worked out yet, and I sympathize with that, but it seems like when you get frustrated, you start showing an unhealthy vibe that women are wronging you on some level for not dating you, and I don't think it's fair to other people or that it's serving you well.

by ReploidArmada Fri Feb 22, 2019 2:03 am

Yeah... You're right, Enail. I was thinking a "fighting chance" would mean "more first dates" but... That thinking isn't fair to anyone, is it? The problem with that is that I don't know what else, or how else, to think or feel. I wish my therapist would help me with this sort of thing, but he still doesn't seem willing to help me work through these hang-ups I have surrounding my love life, or lack thereof, and what I've gone through regarding my attempts to date people. And, I still haven't been able to see him for a while, so he doesn't even know Katie and I aren't together anymore, either. We lost two weeks worth of appointments because of snowstorms, and my previous appointment time fell on a national holiday, so that was cancelled too.

But yeah, call it whatever you like. Desperation, frustration, what have you. I probably deserve it. Sad

by **Enail** Fri Feb 22, 2019 2:06 am

No one deserves depression! What does your therapist say when you ask to discuss this issue?

by ReploidArmada Fri Feb 22, 2019 2:19 am

To be honest, I don't entirely remember. If memory serves, he just deflects the request and loops back into reiterating that I need to do things like build better self-care habits, and work on my socialization skills. Those are things I need to work on as well, but they're not really relevant for me fixing what's going on in my head.

by **Enail** Fri Feb 22, 2019 3:25 pm

Maybe you should be a little more forceful, say you understand that those things are high priority, but your thought patterns are causing you serious distress and you could use some techniques for keeping those in check to better be able to focus on the other stuff.

by ReploidArmada Sun Mar 10, 2019 4:06 am

I've been pretty busy lately. The store I work at is closing soon, and over the last couple days, it's been an absolute madhouse. Constant streams of customers were coming in to buy stuff before we close. I described it as the second coming of Black Friday, except it's going to last about three weeks in total.

In the meantime, I've been busy doing OLD stuffs. POF is still a POS, what with how many camgirls and bot accounts I've found on there, but on Bumble I've been chatting with a couple ladies recently!... Only there's just a slight problem. The first lady I was chatting with, named Natasha, says her own job has been very long-winded and stressful, so I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to meet up with her. The other woman, Mandi, contacted me a couple nights ago and we were chatting a bit since then. I brought up meeting in person, and she said she "would definitely like to meet (me) too! Next Thursday I'm having a minor procedure though so I won't be up to meeting up." I replied that I wouldn't have to meet her at that time, instead offering a couple other options, but she hasn't gotten back to me yet. I'm still holding out hope that she's just been busy herself, since she works in a local hospital.

by Datelessman Thu Mar 21, 2019 10:17 pm

They call it a grind and not because of any double entendre. It takes a lot of false positives and a lot of chats or even dates that go nowhere to find the gems and the positive connections. The fact you're willing to do so after all you've been through says a lot. Don't give up and so long as you're up to it, keep plugging at it! Thumbs-up

by ReploidArmada Thu Apr 04, 2019 3:29 am

Mandi ended up dropping her end of our line of contact on Bumble, which doesn't surprise me given her responses - or rather, lack of them. However, Natasha, the other lady I've been interested in on Bumble recently, ended up asking me out this past Sunday afternoon! We went out to get lunch at the local mall, and spent a while chatting about our favorite music, her fan-fiction hobby (it's pretty well developed, lol), and a number of other things. Eventually we walked back out to her car, and she offered to drive me back to my place, since it wasn't far away. Right before I got out of her car in front of my house, I asked her "How would you feel if I kissed you?"

Her response? "I would love that."

We ended up kissing for a while. It felt like thirty seconds or longer to me, but I'm not sure how long it was. Our hands caressed each other's cheeks as we shared a wonderful first kiss together Smile

Right now, we're set to spend some more time together Friday evening. I'm going to go to a bar with her and sing some karaoke with her, but I'm not sure what else we're going to do afterwards. Honestly, I'm ecstatic that she reached out to me when she did, and that our first date went well. She ended up rescheduling our karaoke night date two weeks in a row, and I was getting to the point where if it happened a third time, I might have just lost interest, cut off contact, and moved on. Also, this is the first time I've tried asking for a first kiss with an open-ended question instead of a yes-no question. I picked the idea up from someone I follow on Twitter, who suggested it as a way to let your date say how they really feel, and I think it worked well. I could tell from her tone that she was very much interested in sharing that first kiss with me Smile

by Datelessman Thu Apr 04, 2019 11:00 pm

Glad things with Natasha worked out well. That was a good way you asked for the kiss without sounding aggressive or awkward; it was good advice. Exactly what DNL and others mean by positive consent.

And you also learned that sometimes someone "rescheduling" is them being "too nice" to decline, and sometimes it is legitimate. When they're really interested, they always will make time and find a way. Hope things continue to go well for both of you!

by ReploidArmada Sat Apr 13, 2019 1:05 pm

Natasha is my new girlfriend now! Grin

A few days ago, I asked her over text if she would like us to be together, and she said "I am smiling at your question. I think that is a question that is best talked about in person." Cut to last night, and at karaoke, she sung "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne as her response. We left soon after (she was pretty tired and sleepy, as was I) and when we got back to my place, we made out in her car for a good 8-10 minutes, I think? Again, I wasn't paying attention to how long it was. I had my hands and lips full kissing her Razz

Truth be told, I was hoping that I would have had my first time with her last night, but she was simply too tired for it. She did invite me to feel her up a bit though, so that made up for it a bit. I did promise her that she was going to be my first partner, too.

Either way, I'm very happy with how last night went Grin

by **Enail** Sat Apr 13, 2019 2:56 pm

Congrats! And that's an adorable way to respond!

by Hielario Sat Apr 13, 2019 4:03 pm

Good to know my prediction was wrong.

by Datelessman Sat Apr 13, 2019 4:13 pm

ReploidArmada wrote:Natasha is my new girlfriend now!

A few days ago, I asked her over text if she would like us to be together, and she said "I am smiling at your question. I think that is a question that is best talked about in person." Cut to last night, and at karaoke, she sung "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne as her response. We left soon after (she was pretty tired and sleepy, as was I) and when we got back to my place, we made out in her car for a good 8-10 minutes, I think? Again, I wasn't paying attention to how long it was. I had my hands and lips full kissing her

Truth be told, I was hoping that I would have had my first time with her last night, but she was simply too tired for it. She did invite me to feel her up a bit though, so that made up for it a bit. I did promise her that she was going to be my first partner, too.

Either way, I'm very happy with how last night went

That's awesome! Congratulations.

I can understand being eager to, ahem, "cross the threshold," but from what I hear (and what DNL attests) it is not altogether unusual to not have sex with someone, even a new girlfriend, on "night 1." Usually it is a build up. It looks like that if Natasha likes you this much you will eventually sleep with her, on her terms, when she is comfortable. And that can be fine, because it gives you a chance to be ready too. And there's nothing cooler than anticipation. More than one guy has pooched things by being unable to slow their roll, but I don't think you have that problem. Take your time and have fun together.

I am very happy for you. This made my day so far.

by Hielario Sat Apr 13, 2019 4:19 pm

What's so fun about anticipation?

by **Werel** Sun Apr 14, 2019 3:13 am

Hielario wrote:What's so fun about anticipation?

Everything! You get to imagine and inhabit a thousand potential futures, feel the tingle of good adrenaline every time you remember what you’re looking forward to, and think up fun ideas to deploy when whatever it is finally happens. Anticipation is sometimes almost as much fun as the thing you’re anticipating (for me, anyway).

by Hielario Sun Apr 14, 2019 6:22 am

I guess I'm surprised that could be enjoyable for people like us who always get our hopes smashed.

Speaking of smashing, the gay version of me would like to remind you of something for the next time you find anatomical difficulties:

"Yes, I know a good old cream-filling mount is what your body is begging, but you stil have other ten fingers and a mouth. USE THEM. "

"Oh, and ask if you can cum in their mouth before you get close, some people don't want a mouthful of splooge" .

by ReploidArmada Sun Apr 14, 2019 12:56 pm

I agree with Werel wholeheartedly Smile

Even though I've been waiting for my first time for several years now, I don't mind waiting a little bit longer if it means I get to build up some devious and naughty ideas and fantasies of what it will end up being like. That being said, I don't think I'll have to wait much longer anyway; Natasha and I were sexting over Snapchat, and we both made it very clear that we wanted each other ASAP.

by ReploidArmada Fri Apr 19, 2019 11:32 pm

I'm now no longer a virgin Grin

Last night, I had Natasha over at my place. We were going to watch a movie as our pretense, but as expected, we barely paid attention to what we were watching. Almost from the moment she got here, her and I started getting close and intimate, starting with making out and physical teasing. Eventually, she got to the point where she whispered "I want you now..." and we tried having sex for the first time in the living room of the house. Unfortunately, it didn't really work at first; The blinds over the living room windows were open, and thinking we were going to be seen was psyching me out, regardless of being up on a second floor. We decided to move to my room, downstairs.

I'll spare you folks the dirty details out of respect for her, but downstairs in my room I was a lot more relaxed, and we were able to make love together. After that, we cuddled together, and watched some of her favorite YouTube videos on her phone, then fell asleep together for the first time. It was wonderful having her next to me like that Smile

We slept for a few hours, but she woke up and started teasing me again, so we made love for a second time. We then went back to sleep, woke up a few hours later again, and went out for breakfast. Then, she went back to her place, saying goodbye for the day.

Already, I miss her presence next to me. My bed felt awfully empty again when I took a nap a little earlier today. I'm sure she'll be over again sometime though Grin

by Hielario Sat Apr 20, 2019 3:55 pm

Fuckin' finally! (All pun intended Razz

)

by Datelessman Sat Apr 20, 2019 5:35 pm

That's fantastic! Congratulations!

I know we're all supposed to be enlightened souls and that notions of virginity itself are supposed to be lingering legacies of a toxic male society and that none of us are supposed to become different people after our first sexual experience...but I also understand that these things still come with a lot of emotions.

Even better than losing your virginity, though, is you finding a lover who appears to be a positive influence on you and who seems to clearly "want" you. It wasn't about your pleasure, but hers too, and you had your first experience with someone you really connect with. There are a lot of people for whom their first sexual experience were nowhere near as good nor with a person who was anywhere near as compatible. So in a way that's one of the few "luxuries" of having a first sexual experience past the so-called "normal" age.

I am so happy for you. I love it when someone in the so-called "community" of older male virgins finally reaches that plateau -- the end of the beginning of their romantic journeys. Congratulations again, man. Thumbs-up

by ReploidArmada Sun May 05, 2019 2:03 am

I had hoped this would be different. It wasn't different.

Natasha sent me a text tonight that read: "I have been thinking about what I want in life and I right now don't think that you and I are a good match. You are a sweet guy and I know you will find someone incredible Heart

." I'm now, once again, out of a relationship - once again, for no adequately explainable reason. At least this one lasted for a full 11 days or so longer than my previous one? */sigh*

Where do I go now? I've had my heart broken twice now in the span of 3 months, if not less. I'm losing hope that I will ever find true love. At this rate, all I'll ever hope to do is bounce back and forth between month long "relationships" that are as fleeting as a one night stand, only with more loss and heartache.

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