Depression and dating

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Enail on Fri Feb 22, 2019 12:06 am

I think you should let go of the idea that you and Katie might get back together; if it were something you had pretty low investment in, that you could say "hey, maybe some day" and pretty much not think any more about it, maybe it would be something you could keep in mind, but the fact that it's hurting you this much when she's interested in someone else shows that you're pinning way too much on something that it sounds like is an extremely vague possibility. And the fact that a big part of what upsets you is that it means you'll have to find someone else suggests that you're seeing her less as a specific person that you had a fun time dating for a while and more as the answer to the girlfriend-shaped hole in your life, which isn't great for either of you, or a very appealing attitude to bring to the next potential date you meet.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Fri Feb 22, 2019 12:24 am

Yeah, I suppose you're right. It doesn't help me to envy what she now has without me. And it probably helps me less to hold onto the idea that Katie will end up getting back together with me... But, I just don't know what to do with myself right now.

The first woman who was interested in me enough to ask to be together with me decided a full 11 days afterwards that she wasn't feeling it enough to continue, and *now* she's found someone else to chase after, while I'm still busy with what feels like a waste of time and energy on OLD apps, trying desperately to get some sort of new connection. Honestly, between Jen, Katie, and all of the time spent on OLD in the interim, I feel like my efforts to find someone special are being wasted - not only by myself, but also in part by the people I've met through OLD.

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Enail on Fri Feb 22, 2019 12:48 am

Not everyone's a good fit for everyone else. It's normal for people to spend some time getting to know each other before realizing that - how else would people figure out who they are compatible with? That's not wasting your efforts, it's how dating (and indeed non-romantic relationships) works, and I can't really see what would not count as wasting your efforts in that case, unless you think everyone should just spend the rest of their life with the first person who asks them out, regardless of compatibility or connection?
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Fri Feb 22, 2019 1:21 am

Well, let's see if I can kinda justify or elucidate what I meant by that.

First, a recap: Jen, if you remember, was the first woman I ever went out with, and the only woman thus far to offer to have sex with me. The main reason that didn't work out was entirely on me, as I just wasn't able to penetrate her *at all*, no matter which position we tried out of like four or five different ones. After that, I spent about seven or eight months trying to find someone else on OLD, and went out on a few first dates that didn't work out for various reasons. After a dry spell of about three to four months, I met Katie in January, and I thought we hit it off pretty well - only for her to, well, you know. Now, I'm back on OLD, using three different apps at once instead of just OKCupid like I was before, and I'm still failing at finding anyone worth my time on any of them.

The reason why I said "I feel like my efforts to find someone special are being wasted..." is that I've tried, and tried, and tried, to find someone to be with both in person and online. Nothing has worked for any length of time beyond short-term. Jen didn't work out because I couldn't have sex with her, Katie didn't because she wasn't feeling it, and who knows why my other dates didn't work out, either. (At least, one of them I know we weren't looking for the same things. I was looking to find a girlfriend and she wanted to foster children with someone.) Now that I'm back on OLD, that isn't working out either. My OKCupid and Bumble accounts aren't getting any amount of attention from anyone, and the attention I am getting on POF is mostly from bot accounts, or people I don't have interest in.

I don't mean to imply that "everyone should just spend the rest of their life with the first person who asks them out," but at this point, I just want a fighting chance. So far, I don't think I've gotten one.

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Enail on Fri Feb 22, 2019 1:43 am

What would a fighting chance mean, though? Someone who wasn't feeling it should keep dating you anyway? Someone who was looking for a co-foster parent should be your girlfriend instead? People who weren't interested in your profile go out with you anyway? I know it's frustrating that you want this so much and it hasn't worked out yet, and I sympathize with that, but it seems like when you get frustrated, you start showing an unhealthy vibe that women are wronging you  on some level for not dating you, and I don't think it's fair to other people or that it's serving you well.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Fri Feb 22, 2019 2:03 am

Yeah... You're right, Enail. I was thinking a "fighting chance" would mean "more first dates" but... That thinking isn't fair to anyone, is it? The problem with that is that I don't know what else, or how else, to think or feel. I wish my therapist would help me with this sort of thing, but he still doesn't seem willing to help me work through these hang-ups I have surrounding my love life, or lack thereof, and what I've gone through regarding my attempts to date people. And, I still haven't been able to see him for a while, so he doesn't even know Katie and I aren't together anymore, either. We lost two weeks worth of appointments because of snowstorms, and my previous appointment time fell on a national holiday, so that was cancelled too.

But yeah, call it whatever you like. Desperation, frustration, what have you. I probably deserve it. Sad

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Enail on Fri Feb 22, 2019 2:06 am

No one deserves depression! What does your therapist say when you ask to discuss this issue?
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Fri Feb 22, 2019 2:19 am

To be honest, I don't entirely remember. If memory serves, he just deflects the request and loops back into reiterating that I need to do things like build better self-care habits, and work on my socialization skills. Those are things I need to work on as well, but they're not really relevant for me fixing what's going on in my head.

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Re: Depression and dating

Post by Enail on Fri Feb 22, 2019 3:25 pm

Maybe you should be a little more forceful, say you understand that those things are high priority, but your thought patterns are causing you serious distress and you could use some techniques for keeping those in check to better be able to focus on the other stuff.
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Re: Depression and dating

Post by ReploidArmada on Sun Mar 10, 2019 4:06 am

I've been pretty busy lately. The store I work at is closing soon, and over the last couple days, it's been an absolute madhouse. Constant streams of customers were coming in to buy stuff before we close. I described it as the second coming of Black Friday, except it's going to last about three weeks in total.

In the meantime, I've been busy doing OLD stuffs. POF is still a POS, what with how many camgirls and bot accounts I've found on there, but on Bumble I've been chatting with a couple ladies recently!... Only there's just a slight problem. The first lady I was chatting with, named Natasha, says her own job has been very long-winded and stressful, so I'm not sure when I'm going to be able to meet up with her. The other woman, Mandi, contacted me a couple nights ago and we were chatting a bit since then. I brought up meeting in person, and she said she "would definitely like to meet (me) too! Next Thursday I'm having a minor procedure though so I won't be up to meeting up." I replied that I wouldn't have to meet her at that time, instead offering a couple other options, but she hasn't gotten back to me yet. I'm still holding out hope that she's just been busy herself, since she works in a local hospital.

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