Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

[Solvi]

So ever since OKCupid deleted the cat photo that I was using as my main profile pic ("One of your photos was flagged by OkCupid users for being inappropriate. After being reviewed and voted on by our moderators the consensus was to remove the photo."), my profile seems to have dropped off the face of the earth.  I used to get a fair number of views (and even some messages), but now I seem to be almost invisible on the site; nobody ever visits my profile, and my messages go unanswered.  I know that there might be other factors at work, but it's hard not to conclude that the problem has something to do with the fact that my actual face now adorns my profile.

Any thoughts on what I could (or should) change?  Profile is here.  Thanks in advance.

[nearly_takuan]

Was a kind of casual "talk about our respective evenings" conversation. We'd exchanged some snarky-about-other-people type remarks already so I figured it seemed not inappropriate to describe how I participated in the Guesstures but decided to sit out water pong and watch drunk people lose at each other.

She says the real losers are those who don't play.

(This is what I mean by not accidentally, heh.)

It's a light jest and not at all something that offends me; it just left me at something of a loss for how to proceed. Because trying to explain my reasoning would come across as insecure at best and possibly also stereotypically-masculine-defensive. And ignoring the comment doesn't feel like the right move here either. But I think I figured something out....

ETA: I should probably just stop asking questions if I'm only going to do what I think anyway. Sometimes it even works....

[AstralDazzle]

Solvi,  you'd fit right in with several groups of coupled friends in various parts of the country looks-wise, interests-wise, and love of cats. I think it's a numbers thing, seeing as your dating pool where you are is pretty much going to be grad and professional students and some post-docs/visiting profs.  So - extremely busy people, only a handful of whom are probably actively looking right now; plus I'm guessing you're all just getting the academic year underway.  The people I know who've found success in a similar situation using OLD messaged, or responded to messages from, a small number of people, usually kept messaging and decided to meet only a couple of them and clicked with one.

I'm guessing you probably want to keep things open to anything, but it might actually help your cause to let people know a little bit more of what kind of situation you ideally see yourself in: more LTR-oriented or more short-term.  If LTR, how long you think you'll be there and whether you're leaning toward an academic path, creative production-focused, tech career, etc.  There are people who would kind of like to date or hook-up occasionally but expressly wish to avoid attachments while they navigate grad school, post docs, visiting gigs, academic job market; the LTR-seekers will be trying to make sure they connect with someone who will have at least a faint hope of career/location compatibility.  

If I had to give some editing advice, I'd say to pull out your old "show, don't tell" magic.  For someone of the talents you note, it does seem a bit heavy on the description and lists; maybe treat it like a piece of prose you're crafting for submission - simply one in which you are the main character.  You've got a lot of fascinating detail to draw on!

[Dannyboy]

Alright guys, so I'm having the problem where I'm not sure how to continue a conversation.

Some background: This girl "liked" me on OKC so I decided to send her a message. We talked awhile about how she was new in town and I set up a lunch and hike date for this upcoming Sunday. Now, of course, I needed to continue talking to here to keep up her interest and to not be an asshole, and I think I've been doing pretty okay. She hasn't really responded to my jokes, so part of me has wondered if she doesn't really like me, but we had long philosophical discussions on Inside Out and Game of Thrones which she said she liked. I asked her if I was boring her and she said no, I was fine. We also talked to each other about our anxiety disorders in college and the fact that neither of us had had a serious relationship before. Anyway, I actually met her last Saturday, she told me about a board game group she attended and I decided to swing by. It was fun, I cracked a few jokes with the people there, enjoyed the games, and met her in person, but because we were focused on the games we didn't talk one-on-one alot. She later texted me and asked me if I had had fun, I told her yes. I decided to test if she was really into me sexually and romantically by telling her hat I though she was cute and funny in person, she messaged me back with "Thanks, you too."

So, its been a couple of days and I've still been talking to her but the responses have been shorter from her and I feel like I'm running out of things to ask. I mean, I don't know if I should ask her things to political or personal for fear that she might take offense, and the more I talk about smaller things like how she likes the town and stuff, the shorter her replies are. I also want to keep some subjects open for Sunday...assuming that she still likes me enough to come. I don't know, I think she's a cute girl with a good mind, and I really want to date her, but i feel like i'm losing her interest, or that she's never really been into me.

Thought?

[eselle28]

I'd maybe keep the conversation to a comment or two a day for the next couple days, then initiate a longer discussion partway through the week. Ultimately, you two want to figure out if you're compatible in person, not if you're Best Pen Pals Forever. If she's quiet, anxious, and inexperienced, she may also be running out of things to say, and keeping up contact more lightly (don't disappear altogether of course) might be a good breather before your date.

[Dannyboy]

Yeah, you're probably right, I should let up a bit for both of our sakes.

I guess part of me is worried that, OKC being the way it is, another hotter, far more interesting guy will contact her and she'll just cancel our date or otherwise leave me in the dust.

[fakely mctest]

Yeah, you're probably right, I should let up a bit for both of our sakes.

I guess part of me is worried that, OKC being the way it is, another hotter, far more interesting guy will contact her and she'll just cancel our date or otherwise leave me in the dust.

I think you've made the right decision to cut back on the contact a bit. I know, from my own perspective, that I can feel overwhelmed and panicky if someone I basically don't know is messaging me a lot. This is also why I only ever give out my phone number right before a meet up and I always mention that it's in case of emergency.

[Solvi]

Solvi,  you'd fit right in with several groups of coupled friends in various parts of the country looks-wise, interests-wise, and love of cats. I think it's a numbers thing, seeing as your dating pool where you are is pretty much going to be grad and professional students and some post-docs/visiting profs.  So - extremely busy people, only a handful of whom are probably actively looking right now; plus I'm guessing you're all just getting the academic year underway.  The people I know who've found success in a similar situation using OLD messaged, or responded to messages from, a small number of people, usually kept messaging and decided to meet only a couple of them and clicked with one.

I'm guessing you probably want to keep things open to anything, but it might actually help your cause to let people know a little bit more of what kind of situation you ideally see yourself in: more LTR-oriented or more short-term.  If LTR, how long you think you'll be there and whether you're leaning toward an academic path, creative production-focused, tech career, etc.  There are people who would kind of like to date or hook-up occasionally but expressly wish to avoid attachments while they navigate grad school, post docs, visiting gigs, academic job market; the LTR-seekers will be trying to make sure they connect with someone who will have at least a faint hope of career/location compatibility.  

If I had to give some editing advice, I'd say to pull out your old "show, don't tell" magic.  For someone of the talents you note, it does seem a bit heavy on the description and lists; maybe treat it like a piece of prose you're crafting for submission - simply one in which you are the main character.  You've got a lot of fascinating detail to draw on!

Thanks for the comments and suggestions, AstralDazzle.  I admit, I'm pretty much in the same boat you describe in the first paragraph: extremely busy, and only periodically checking in on OKC.  (Although loneliness doesn't wait for my schedule to get more convenient...)

I'm definitely looking for something more in the committed LTR vein.  I've been finding out over the past few years that I'm not actually a very good teacher, so my future career plans are more flexible than those of my colleagues -- odds are, there won't be much point to me entering the tenure-track lottery.  So I'll probably be the one adapting to a future partner's career needs, rather than the other way around, though I'm not really sure how to word that in my profile.

And I'll definitely work towards imbuing my profile with a bit more creative energy.  I used to have a good theme, but I'm kind of at a loss right now regarding how to creatively spin my life without relying on props and gimmicks (like the cat photo I used to use as my profile pic).  I've never really liked writing about myself; when I was asked to write bios for acting gigs, I'd always try to spin them into works of lyrical short-form fiction that had absolutely nothing to do with my real life.

[Perlandra]

I decided to test if she was really into me sexually and romantically by telling her hat I though she was cute and funny in person, she messaged me back with "Thanks, you too."

So, its been a couple of days and I've still been talking to her but the responses have been shorter from her and I feel like I'm running out of things to ask. I mean, I don't know if I should ask her things to political or personal for fear that she might take offense, and the more I talk about smaller things like how she likes the town and stuff, the shorter her replies are. I also want to keep some subjects open for Sunday...assuming that she still likes me enough to come. I don't know, I think she's a cute girl with a good mind, and I really want to date her, but i feel like i'm losing her interest, or that she's never really been into me.

The "cute and funny" thing sounds like a fairly generic compliment, rather than an expression of sexual and romantic interest. I think the answers tapering off after you met in person isn't a good sign, though yeah, sometimes it can feel like you've used up most of the good material. I agree that it sounds like a good idea to keep lightly in touch, and if she's still open to meeting one-on-one this Sunday, perhaps you'll connect better in person than in writing.

[Number31]

Hey guys!

I'm someone who discovered DNL's blog a few years ago and has lurked this forum and the forum which preceded it for a few years now. I've never posted before, I'm usually content to just lurk. Most of you are very informative and helpful!

On that note, I recently reactivated my OkCupid account after a long absence, replaced most of the photos and have rewritten it. I would very much appreciate any feedback you can give me on it. Thanks in advance!

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/DesideratPacem

[Caffeinated]

Hey guys!

I'm someone who discovered DNL's blog a few years ago and has lurked this forum and the forum which preceded it for a few years now. I've never posted before, I'm usually content to just lurk. Most of you are very informative and helpful!

On that note, I recently reactivated my OkCupid account after a long absence, replaced most of the photos and have rewritten it. I would very much appreciate any feedback you can give me on it. Thanks in advance!

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/DesideratPacem

Hi Number31!

Your profile starts out strong. Good pictures, nice smile. The self-summary and what you're doing with your life sections are good. You sound fun, funny, interesting.

Then we get to the I'm really good at section, where you answer that you're good at arguing on the internet and pointing out logical fallacies. Oh dear. That makes you sound like you're going to be bad company, like you'll nitpick every statement your date makes and potentially make for a tedious and unpleasant evening.

It picks up again in the favorite food bit, saying that on a date you can expect to try something new makes you sound fun again. And the rest is ok, not great but ok. Your last two sections (typical Friday night and message me if) could use more of a hook.

[Wondering]

Hey guys!

I'm someone who discovered DNL's blog a few years ago and has lurked this forum and the forum which preceded it for a few years now. I've never posted before, I'm usually content to just lurk. Most of you are very informative and helpful!

On that note, I recently reactivated my OkCupid account after a long absence, replaced most of the photos and have rewritten it. I would very much appreciate any feedback you can give me on it. Thanks in advance!

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/DesideratPacem

Then we get to the I'm really good at section, where you answer that you're good at arguing on the internet and pointing out logical fallacies. Oh dear. That makes you sound like you're going to be bad company, like you'll nitpick every statement your date makes and potentially make for a tedious and unpleasant evening.

Yeah. This is not a good thing to put in your dating profile. And since OKC is on the internet, to me it even comes with a potential danger of you arguing with a woman who wouldn't respond to a message nor want to date you. Not say that you would do that, but I would be worried about that among other things if I came across your profile independently and read that comment.

[Number31]

...haha, I immediately deleted the arguing on the internet comment after reading your post. I had hoped that the subtext that I meant arguing about abstract things like politics and ethics would come across naturally but I guess it didn't. Other than that, I'm really relieved that this was the only real criticism you had, thanks so much! Confidence boost!

Your last two sections (typical Friday night and message me if) could use more of a hook.

Could you give an example of answers to those sections that you would consider more "hooky", so to speak. I'm wary of writing anything that sounds like bragging, not only because bragging is objectively lame, but also because doing so would give the opposite impression of what I think my personality is actually like.

[jcorozza]

The Friday night question basically can be things that you'd enjoy doing with the other person (and can give date ideas). As for the message me if, you want to give them an opening for something to ask or talk about. For example, one of the things I have in mine is "if you know where my missing socks are". I've had quite a few guys message to tell me where they are. Basically, you want to make it easy for them to send you a message.

[Hirundo Bos]

I've started to make myself ready to take online dating more seriously, and I'm a little scared of it apparently, because I have to work a bit to talk myself into posting my profile here (anyone want to join me as I talk me into it, feel free, if not, I'll probably get around to it anyway). But until then

there's one site where I have a profile that's fairly oriented towards sexual encounters and where not everyone says a lot about themselves in their profile, so the approach where you make some comments and a question based on the profile doesn't always work. Are there any other ways to start a good OLD conversation, some more generic questions it might be appropriate to ask?

[PintsizeBro]

Nearly, I realize this is a day (okay, a week) late and a dollar short, but this is how I respond to quips like that one:

[Perlandra]

Hirundo, like you, I've been nervous about posting my profile here. One option if you don't want to link to it, especially if it requires a login, is to copy and paste the text parts here? My impression from fetlife/etc. is that even on sites that do sometimes lean more toward encounters, a lot of women prefer men who have interesting profiles. That isn't my focus, so other ladies here might have more helpful tips for you.

Pintsize, not sure who that was directed at?

[Hirundo Bos]

For me, why I'm nervous about linking, is... it feels like a first step into something huge. If I start to put more work into OLD, there's a chance I might actually meet someone, and plunge into waters I've been out of so long, they're as good as uncharted to me now. It's like I talked about in this (very long, not required reading) post, where the first small steps feel as if they encompass the entire journey... anyway, copying and pasting from that more sex-oriented site could be a way to ease into it... Or rather translate from my own language, and then copy and paste...

[PintsizeBro]

Perlandra, it was directed at Nearly, because somebody called him a loser for not wanting to lose at beer pong. My response came too late to matter, but as someone who's been made fun of plenty for not wanting to lose at beer pong, I felt qualified to say something.

[BobTheNinja]

I'm starting to think that maybe I'm doing my Tinder profile wrong, because I've swept right on at least a hundred and fifty different people and I've only gotten one match. And that match never replied to my messages.

Here's what I have listed: "I'm a nerdy graduate of ASU (San Angelo) looking for someone cool to hang out with and share my first time with (yes, I'm a virgin.) If possible, if the chemistry is good, I'd like to start a casual relationship. Hope to talk to you soon! "

I wanted to be upfront about my situation and what I'm looking for, but am I being too honest and driving potential partners away?

[Wondering]

I'd definitely take out the part in parentheses and the smiley. It comes across as a little defensive or insecure. If you want to say you're a virgin, that's fine, but don't make an issue of it. The "share my first time with" bit is enough.

[Werel]

Leaving aside all the cultural baggage around male virginity (well, shit, it's hard and maybe unwise to leave it aside but I don't feel qualified to address it ), I think the "first time" bit is just more info than a stranger needs before they're at the point of actually deciding to sleep with you. Not sure its inclusion demonstrates good social judgment, which is a big thing people generally want from casual sex partners.

[BobTheNinja]

Well shit. I'd hate to think I've been shooting myself in the foot this whole time...

Alright, gonna go ahead and remove that bit. I'll just save it for when the topic actually comes up. I just figured some women might be into doing it with virgins...

[Werel]

I just figured some women might be into doing it with virgins...

We exist but are rare-ish, I think.

[BobTheNinja]

Wow, literally right after I change my profile, I get not one, but two matches from people who logged off well before the profile change. I swear, this app weirds me out sometimes.

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