Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

[Hielario]

1)WHAT
2)Congratulations!

[Werel]

YOOOOOOO CONGRATS MIKEYYYY
(assuming it was on the whole a positive experience)

I hope it’s the start of a rad new era of enjoyment and connection and super hot times for you!!

[Datelessman]

Somehow I managed to date someone for a month and a half and lose my v-card, what the fuck.

Congratulations! I hope she is an amazing woman and you're both having a wonderful time.

You've been working so hard, and trying so hard.

I am so happy for you. Good luck on the beginning of your romantic journey.

[The Mikey]

1)WHAT
2)Congratulations!

Yeah, man. I was as confused as you lol.

YOOOOOOO CONGRATS MIKEYYYY
(assuming it was on the whole a positive experience)

I hope it’s the start of a rad new era of enjoyment and connection and super hot times for you!!

It was aight, I didn’t cum any of the times I slept with her. I apparently made her bust every time. Purely my problem lol

Somehow I managed to date someone for a month and a half and lose my v-card, what the fuck.

Congratulations! I hope she is an amazing woman and you're both having a wonderful time.

You've been working so hard, and trying so hard.

I am so happy for you. Good luck on the beginning of your romantic journey.

I appreciate the kind words but it also ended pretty quick. Long story short, we split earlier this week. I over shared about my friendships and previous feelings about another friend as well as not holding strong boundaries with a different friend. Part of it was my fault and part of it was her projecting a lot of her insecurities on me, despite the fact that I never really did anything. Ended up her not trusting me and actually yelling and screaming at me over the phone angrily. Made me sad.

[Hielario]

It was aight, I didn’t cum any of the times I slept with her. I apparently made her bust every time. Purely my problem lol

Oh yeah, that happens, don't worry. It was the same for me. The stimulation's less focused in a real hole and condoms don't help; it takes a bunch of times until you get used (and manage to focus) enough to come from it.

[Datelessman]

I appreciate the kind words but it also ended pretty quick. Long story short, we split earlier this week. I over shared about my friendships and previous feelings about another friend as well as not holding strong boundaries with a different friend. Part of it was my fault and part of it was her projecting a lot of her insecurities on me, despite the fact that I never really did anything. Ended up her not trusting me and actually yelling and screaming at me over the phone angrily. Made me sad.

Sorry to hear about that.

That said, first relationships don't usually last very long. Finally "crossing the plane" (to use a football term) was never the end of a journey, but the end of the beginning. I hope you at least got some enjoyment out if it, as brief a thing as it was.

I knew another "peer" in the older male virgin blogger community who had a similar experience. His first relationship to someone who took his virginity in what was a very steamy fling was brief; it was over after a couple of months. But few relationships last long, and when they do, they're significant.

It is a shame that she ended up yelling at you, but the end of a relationship rarely goes well.

[Werel]

I appreciate the kind words but it also ended pretty quick. Long story short, we split earlier this week. I over shared about my friendships and previous feelings about another friend as well as not holding strong boundaries with a different friend. Part of it was my fault and part of it was her projecting a lot of her insecurities on me, despite the fact that I never really did anything. Ended up her not trusting me and actually yelling and screaming at me over the phone angrily. Made me sad.

Oof, I'm sorry. But also: don't beat yourself up for this. Managing boundaries and setting sharing parameters around other/past romantic partners (or even crushes) is one of the hardest things ever, and really fraught for a lot of folks. Even extremely experienced, extremely socially calibrated people struggle with it. (I'm struggling with it right now! Not that I'm extremely anything, but, you know.) In a first relationship, the difficulty is turned up to nightmare mode because it's all new. So you got tripped up on something that trips up a lot of people - give yourself some grace, see what you can learn from it, and take some time to heal. I think you got this.

[The Mikey]

It was aight, I didn’t cum any of the times I slept with her. I apparently made her bust every time. Purely my problem lol

Oh yeah, that happens, don't worry. It was the same for me. The stimulation's less focused in a real hole and condoms don't help; it takes a bunch of times until you get used (and manage to focus) enough to come from it.

I was hoping to sleep with her more because I was afraid my dong was broken. Obviously it wasn’t but I was surprised it didn’t bust upon entering her. I mean, I remember a long time ago when DNL did a podcast with sexnerd Sandra about, well, sex, she explained some guys won’t cum the first time. Wild for me to hear that, but I also heard part of it was psychological too? I wasn’t sure if I wasn’t 100% attracted to her? I dunno. I quite literally withheld from masturbating specifically for her so I could actually show her, “hey I actually really do like you”. She had expressed originally wanting babies and I would’ve been happy to give her some! But I needed to figure out the cum part.

Sorry to hear about that.

That said, first relationships don't usually last very long. Finally "crossing the plane" (to use a football term) was never the end of a journey, but the end of the beginning. I hope you at least got some enjoyment out if it, as brief a thing as it was.

I knew another "peer" in the older male virgin blogger community who had a similar experience. His first relationship to someone who took his virginity in what was a very steamy fling was brief; it was over after a couple of months. But few relationships last long, and when they do, they're significant.

It is a shame that she ended up yelling at you, but the end of a relationship rarely goes well.

Happens, I guess. I mean, at 31 I was hoping one and done was the way to go. I didn’t think I’d fuck up this bad… she also didn’t believe me when I told her I was a virgin. Our fling I guess was pretty steamy too… I did actually really like her. When someone likes you back too, sheesh, that’s kinda insane to think about.

Oof, I'm sorry. But also: don't beat yourself up for this. Managing boundaries and setting sharing parameters around other/past romantic partners (or even crushes) is one of the hardest things ever, and really fraught for a lot of folks. Even extremely experienced, extremely socially calibrated people struggle with it. (I'm struggling with it right now! Not that I'm extremely anything, but, you know.) In a first relationship, the difficulty is turned up to nightmare mode because it's all new. So you got tripped up on something that trips up a lot of people - give yourself some grace, see what you can learn from it, and take some time to heal. I think you got this.

I mean, I didn’t think I did anything wrong. I understood the optics of that one particular friendship but that didn’t go beyond dirty jokes between me and said friend — I think ex was uncomfortable with it because my friend is a woman who’s rather sexually liberated and has the humor of a teen boy and I didn’t tell said friend to slow down with the dirty memes; I dunno.

I’m just sad because it did actually feel incredible and now she and her friends probably think I’m an asshole. There’s more to the story than I’m letting on, nothing horrific, I didn’t do anything to anyone, I just had a drunk meltdown about a previous crush. I think ex wasn’t happy about that either. After that meltdown tho, I assured her my focus was on her and her only. Booze has not been my friend the last month…. And just, I’ve been a mess. I do miss her, i got accustomed to her pretty quick.

She was great bc she definitely matched my energy and was a nerd like me. Fuck my life. Got back on the apps…. Back to hell world.

[Datelessman]

Happens, I guess. I mean, at 31 I was hoping one and done was the way to go. I didn’t think I’d fuck up this bad… she also didn’t believe me when I told her I was a virgin. Our fling I guess was pretty steamy too… I did actually really like her. When someone likes you back too, sheesh, that’s kinda insane to think about.

I mean, I didn’t think I did anything wrong. I understood the optics of that one particular friendship but that didn’t go beyond dirty jokes between me and said friend — I think ex was uncomfortable with it because my friend is a woman who’s rather sexually liberated and has the humor of a teen boy and I didn’t tell said friend to slow down with the dirty memes; I dunno.

I’m just sad because it did actually feel incredible and now she and her friends probably think I’m an asshole. There’s more to the story than I’m letting on, nothing horrific, I didn’t do anything to anyone, I just had a drunk meltdown about a previous crush. I think ex wasn’t happy about that either. After that meltdown tho, I assured her my focus was on her and her only. Booze has not been my friend the last month…. And just, I’ve been a mess. I do miss her, i got accustomed to her pretty quick.

She was great bc she definitely matched my energy and was a nerd like me. Fuck my life. Got back on the apps…. Back to hell world.

Honestly if you are this torn up about it -- and there is nothing wrong with that -- then I think you could be better off giving yourself time to heal emotionally before going "back on the apps...Back to hell world."

I mean, one of the only "advantages" of finally losing your virginity, ideally, is now some of the pressure is off. There is nothing to be gained to rush into your next relationship, or fling, before you are ready. If anything, rushing into another relationship before you've fully processed and/or healed from a prior one can sometimes leave you worse off.

At least you have learned, ideally, to be careful about alcohol and what you say while drunk (as DNL says, it's more like truth serum than getting you to act "different") and to not bring up other crushes to a current lover very early into a relationship. Many people are not comfortable with the idea of a lover crushing on someone else, especially someone who is not a celebrity or something.

Regardless of how it ended, try to remember the positive. The good times with her. And above all, that you're not only worthy of love, but are capable of finding it. You have proof now when your jerk-brain says not to try, that no woman could like you. Not every relationship is destined to last forever. If she was someone who was going to break up because you admitted you still spoke to someone you had a crush on online, then it's best this came out now rather than once one of you was deciding to order fine china for the wedding.

But, yeah, I'd actually recommend giving yourself time to "feel your feels" like the kids on Twitter say, get over her, and then try dating when you're ready. I mean, you're not a virgin anymore; you're a guy who's had one relationship under his belt. For a 31 year old, that's okay. That has to take at least some of the pressure, right? So take advantage of that and don't force yourself into "hell world" until your armor is polished.

[The Mikey]

Honestly if you are this torn up about it -- and there is nothing wrong with that -- then I think you could be better off giving yourself time to heal emotionally before going "back on the apps...Back to hell world."

It’s gotten better since I wrote that, I actually have gotten back into therapy which, it was beneficial; even one day where I spilled most of my guts, felt good. I gotta get back so I don’t dwell on it too much. Ironically, I met her on Hinge lol.

I mean, one of the only "advantages" of finally losing your virginity, ideally, is now some of the pressure is off. There is nothing to be gained to rush into your next relationship, or fling, before you are ready. If anything, rushing into another relationship before you've fully processed and/or healed from a prior one can sometimes leave you worse off.

That is indeed a pressure release! We’ll see how it goes in the future, gotta find my next one. I’m taking my time, but I guess, maybe I’ll be a little more indifferent? I dunno. Give no fucks? It’s hard to give no fucks when someone clearly likes you and you’re lonely too lol.

At least you have learned, ideally, to be careful about alcohol and what you say while drunk (as DNL says, it's more like truth serum than getting you to act "different") and to not bring up other crushes to a current lover very early into a relationship. Many people are not comfortable with the idea of a lover crushing on someone else, especially someone who is not a celebrity or something.

For me it is a little of both. It may have hurt some people and it may not have made my ex happy, but I think her biggest thing was my friendship with my friend from Louisiana. Who is strictly platonic but ex was convinced said friend had feelings for me (she doesn’t) and that on top of me working on getting over Runner Girl didn’t help. I dunno, I had told her a bit about my history which wasn’t all that interesting.

Regardless of how it ended, try to remember the positive. The good times with her. And above all, that you're not only worthy of love, but are capable of finding it. You have proof now when your jerk-brain says not to try, that no woman could like you. Not every relationship is destined to last forever. If she was someone who was going to break up because you admitted you still spoke to someone you had a crush on online, then it's best this came out now rather than once one of you was deciding to order fine china for the wedding.

I do remember the positive and it just makes it hurt. Last time I saw her she was being her silly ADHD self with a Swiffer broom stick looking absolutely majestic with her beautiful red hair and cute wire glasses poking me with it. I remember when she was on spring break (she worked at a school) we hung out and I took her for tacos and she kept talking to me in a Scottish accent for a good 10 mins, it was actually really funny and super cute. And just… ugh. Bummed I lost her. Like that silliness and freedom to be silly and funny is what I found so endearing about her which makes this all the more frustrating. Told me I broke her trust and that there wasn’t much I could do to bring it back. I dunno if those words were her angry or if she meant it…

But, yeah, I'd actually recommend giving yourself time to "feel your feels" like the kids on Twitter say, get over her, and then try dating when you're ready. I mean, you're not a virgin anymore; you're a guy who's had one relationship under his belt. For a 31 year old, that's okay. That has to take at least some of the pressure, right? So take advantage of that and don't force yourself into "hell world" until your armor is polished.

Getting over her alone will take a bit, however I’ve found getting under someone else works really well too lol. It’s not impossible but difficult, just need to find them. I’m certainly not worried about the virginity anymore, for sure, and it was never official, but she may as well be my ex. At 31, yeah, I think it’ll be fine. I’ve recently gotten into my head, “what you see is what you get/take it or leave it”, which hopefully will weed out anyone who may try to change me for the worst.

As for hell word, don’t have much of a choice, it’s Dark Souls/Bloodborne/Sekiro/Elden Ring all over again. Can’t get anywhere or get cool shit without dying. A lot. Learn to roll, backstab and land them parry’s.

[Datelessman]

It’s gotten better since I wrote that, I actually have gotten back into therapy which, it was beneficial; even one day where I spilled most of my guts, felt good. I gotta get back so I don’t dwell on it too much. Ironically, I met her on Hinge lol.

Actual professional therapy is good! Spilling your guts to a professional therapist is good; it's the IDEAL TIME AND PLACE to do so. I'm glad to hear it (or read it, technically).

That is indeed a pressure release! We’ll see how it goes in the future, gotta find my next one. I’m taking my time, but I guess, maybe I’ll be a little more indifferent? I dunno. Give no fucks? It’s hard to give no fucks when someone clearly likes you and you’re lonely too lol.

"Giving no ****s" is a healthy attitude to have sometimes. One of the fundamental lessons I learned from starting a blog where I spent a LOT of time simply "reporting" my troubled past with love or feelings was that I took a lot of situations and incidents as a teenager and early-mid 20s aged adult WAY too seriously and allowed such emotional wounds to dig in WAY too deep, and I'd have been better off shrugging it off, getting perspective, and continuing to try (albeit harder). Unfortunately, getting hindsight and wisdom about how to better navigate one's dating life when you're 10-20 years removed from it isn't useful in a practical sense. But it is appreciated in an intellectual sense.

I am glad you experienced a "pressure release" from losing your virginity (and presumably, having sex with your first lover a few times after that). There are times when DNL and a few people on his website forum try so hard to teach others (especially older virgins) not to pin their hopes and entire esteem on another person or one specific event, that they go too far in the other direction and go on tirades about how one's first sexual experience brings with it no positive emotions, no spike in confidence, and that someone is just as likely to react with the same dead-eyed, 1000 yard blank stare as the person working a register who just asked for cash or credit. These are times when I want to say, "Look, Harris, just because YOU reacted to your first sexual conquest at age 19 with all of the enthusiasm of a dead fish doesn't mean every dude reacts that way." Literally every single male friend I ever had (and quite a few lady ones) saw a notable boost in confidence (or at least a break from anxiety or depression) after their first sexual experience (and usually many afterwards). Maybe that's not healthy, but neither is the American addition to fast food; but it is real and exists, and pretending it doesn't does no one any favors, even on a self-help website.

Pressure valves exist for a reason, so I am glad it was that for you.

For me it is a little of both. It may have hurt some people and it may not have made my ex happy, but I think her biggest thing was my friendship with my friend from Louisiana. Who is strictly platonic but ex was convinced said friend had feelings for me (she doesn’t) and that on top of me working on getting over Runner Girl didn’t help. I dunno, I had told her a bit about my history which wasn’t all that interesting.

I think a lesson here is "oversharing." Just because two people are lovers doesn't mean they have to share absolutely everything with each other, and when to share such things varies in terms of the duration of the relationship and the people involved. There are folks married 20 years who sometimes get into fights if one reveals an "old crush," especially with a mutual friend or someone "attainable." But, this was your first relationship. Growing pains are painful, but they happen. Maybe the next time you'll be more aware of this, or conversely, maybe the person you are with won't be as sensitive. If they're not, though, think about how you'd react if they revealed such things on their end!

I do remember the positive and it just makes it hurt. Last time I saw her she was being her silly ADHD self with a Swiffer broom stick looking absolutely majestic with her beautiful red hair and cute wire glasses poking me with it.      I remember when she was on spring break (she worked at a school) we hung out and I took her for tacos and she kept talking to me in a Scottish accent for a good 10 mins, it was actually really funny and super cute. And just… ugh. Bummed I lost her. Like that silliness and freedom to be silly and funny is what I found so endearing about her which makes this all the more frustrating. Told me I broke her trust and that there wasn’t much I could do to bring it back. I dunno if those words were her angry or if she meant it…

This is what I meant when I said that if you're this broken up about it, to take a break. Sometimes DNL recommends "the nuclear option" after a breakup not just because things went bad, but because the emotional pain from the breakup is REAL and moving on when you're interacting with that person online or seeing them in other venues takes longer. Sometimes "getting back on that horse" is bad if you still have a cast on and are using crutches, you know? Emotional pain can be like that too, just without the visual trappings.

Getting over her alone will take a bit, however I’ve found getting under someone else works really well too lol. It’s not impossible but difficult, just need to find them. I’m certainly not worried about the virginity anymore, for sure, and it was never official, but she may as well be my ex. At 31, yeah, I think it’ll be fine. I’ve recently gotten into my head, “what you see is what you get/take it or leave it”, which hopefully will weed out anyone who may try to change me for the worst.

As for hell word, don’t have much of a choice, it’s Dark Souls/Bloodborne/Sekiro/Elden Ring all over again. Can’t get anywhere or get cool shit without dying. A lot. Learn to roll, backstab and land them parry’s.

I'm glad that you have some long term perspective on it now. It hurts in the meantime, but you can eventually get past it and move on. Or as you said, under, someone else.

[The Mikey]

"Giving no ****s" is a healthy attitude to have sometimes. One of the fundamental lessons I learned from starting a blog where I spent a LOT of time simply "reporting" my troubled past with love or feelings was that I took a lot of situations and incidents as a teenager and early-mid 20s aged adult WAY too seriously and allowed such emotional wounds to dig in WAY too deep, and I'd have been better off shrugging it off, getting perspective, and continuing to try (albeit harder). Unfortunately, getting hindsight and wisdom about how to better navigate one's dating life when you're 10-20 years removed from it isn't useful in a practical sense. But it is appreciated in an intellectual sense.

I was afraid a lot of the time. Through most of my teens and 20s I figured I was being a creep if I asked for dates or trying to figure out how to get someone to like me or figuring out if they liked me. I couldn’t figure it out, girls never paid attention to me and if they did I never noticed. To this day I still have zero clue if anyone was into me as a teen or 20-something.

Ex was the first who was mutually attracted to me, which again was surprising to me lol.

I am glad you experienced a "pressure release" from losing your virginity (and presumably, having sex with your first lover a few times after that). There are times when DNL and a few people on his website forum try so hard to teach others (especially older virgins) not to pin their hopes and entire esteem on another person or one specific event, that they go too far in the other direction and go on tirades about how one's first sexual experience brings with it no positive emotions, no spike in confidence, and that someone is just as likely to react with the same dead-eyed, 1000 yard blank stare as the person working a register who just asked for cash or credit. These are times when I want to say, "Look, Harris, just because YOU reacted to your first sexual conquest at age 19 with all of the enthusiasm of a dead fish doesn't mean every dude reacts that way." Literally every single male friend I ever had (and quite a few lady ones) saw a notable boost in confidence (or at least a break from anxiety or depression) after their first sexual experience (and usually many afterwards). Maybe that's not healthy, but neither is the American addition to fast food; but it is real and exists, and pretending it doesn't does no one any favors, even on a self-help website.

Pressure valves exist for a reason, so I am glad it was that for you.

Well, I’ll be honest, yes, it was a good pressure relief, nice. I liked hearing her having fun and I enjoyed making her cum… I myself didn’t have fun. It didn’t feel great, hell, I felt nothing and we did it bareback the times we did. Nor did getting a blowjob feel good, her playing with my balls actually felt interesting, but overall I give sex a 2/10. Do i want to try again? Yeah, I do. I wonder if it’s because I didn’t use any lube, was it because I’ve been jerking off since i was 11? Did I not actually find her that attractive? Was i just nervous? I dunno, my dick mostly worked except when I think I just got bored. I dunno.

I figure it’s probably from the 19 years of porn and masturbation. I mean… when you can’t get laid to save your life for most of your early adult life, what the hell do you do?

I think a lesson here is "oversharing." Just because two people are lovers doesn't mean they have to share absolutely everything with each other, and when to share such things varies in terms of the duration of the relationship and the people involved. There are folks married 20 years who sometimes get into fights if one reveals an "old crush," especially with a mutual friend or someone "attainable." But, this was your first relationship. Growing pains are painful, but they happen. Maybe the next time you'll be more aware of this, or conversely, maybe the person you are with won't be as sensitive. If they're not, though, think about how you'd react if they revealed such things on their end!

Well. In my defense, before me she was sleeping with a coworker. A lot of her friends called me an upgrade. But also, she told me about her ex, how she put him thru rehab and got into thousands of dollars of debt. When she told me that, I was apprehensive about it until I talked to…… Louisiana Friend about it and told me it spoke about Ex’s kindness and her character. Yes, Louisiana Friend, same one who Ex was leery about.

Did I over share? Sure, probably but that’s what I get for being open and honest with zero things to hide.

This is what I meant when I said that if you're this broken up about it, to take a break. Sometimes DNL recommends "the nuclear option" after a breakup not just because things went bad, but because the emotional pain from the breakup is REAL and moving on when you're interacting with that person online or seeing them in other venues takes longer. Sometimes "getting back on that horse" is bad if you still have a cast on and are using crutches, you know? Emotional pain can be like that too, just without the visual trappings.

I haven’t seen or spoken to her in weeks… she doesn’t post on socials all that much and I haven’t texted or DM’d her either since it happened. I’m just remembering her… gotta fight through it keep fighting for myself.

I'm glad that you have some long term perspective on it now. It hurts in the meantime, but you can eventually get past it and move on. Or as you said, under, someone else.

Of course, can’t dwell on it for too long. Just keep going.

[Datelessman]

I was afraid a lot of the time. Through most of my teens and 20s I figured I was being a creep if I asked for dates or trying to figure out how to get someone to like me or figuring out if they liked me. I couldn’t figure it out, girls never paid attention to me and if they did I never noticed. To this day I still have zero clue if anyone was into me as a teen or 20-something.

Ex was the first who was mutually attracted to me, which again was surprising to me lol.

I absolutely 100% understand that. Looking back at my own teens and 20s, the very concept of a woman I was romantically interested in genuinely liking me back was an impossible variable to me. And I, too, was held back by fear in various forms during the fleeting opportunities I had for some kind of romantic progress (which in my case was approximately 3 opportunities from ages 18-24). For me at least there was also the feeling of disbelief more than fear; it wasn't just the fear of being rejected, but the disbelief after so long that any other reaction was possible. It is still something I struggle with.

It often made it hard for me to narrow down "what type of woman do I want to pursue" since the first criteria is "one who likes me," and people roll their eyes and say, "of course, dimwit, that is not specific," but to someone who is a late bloomer or never-bloomer, that "obvious" factor is a rarity, like a compassionate conservative. So I can imagine the euphoria that arises when you did meet someone who was attracted to you, and to experience that mutual feeling.

The best thing for you to get out of this, IMO, is that feeling that "mutual attraction" is not impossible. It is real. It happened. You have evidence. And if it happened once, it can be duplicated and improved upon, even.

Well, I’ll be honest, yes, it was a good pressure relief, nice. I liked hearing her having fun and I enjoyed making her cum… I myself didn’t have fun. It didn’t feel great, hell, I felt nothing and we did it bareback the times we did. Nor did getting a blowjob feel good, her playing with my balls actually felt interesting, but overall I give sex a 2/10. Do i want to try again? Yeah, I do. I wonder if it’s because I didn’t use any lube, was it because I’ve been jerking off since i was 11? Did I not actually find her that attractive? Was i just nervous? I dunno, my dick mostly worked except when I think I just got bored. I dunno.

I figure it’s probably from the 19 years of porn and masturbation. I mean… when you can’t get laid to save your life for most of your early adult life, what the hell do you do?  

The sex was only a 2/10 for you!?  

In a way, this is also "typical" of a first relationship. You are still feeling out what you like and every couple is different. Lubrication is important, and DNL and others have spoken about "Death Grip" that can come or arise (double entendre intended) when someone has masturbated too long a certain way and not had sex. Ideally these are things which can be worked out with more experience and/or different or more imaginative partners. The dilemma of a first relationship is you (metaphorical you) is still in such a state of shock and awe that it even exists that navigating it is still a new thing. It's hard to look for buried treasure when you're just stunned that you found the cave and are gawking at the walls.

These are also not rare problems. Even for people who were not older virgins, regardless of gender or orientation, finding "quality sex" is not easy and "mediocre to bad" sex is common, even if it's nothing deliberate. Some people are selfish or bland lovers, but sometimes it's just mixed signals or clashing tastes or moods or any number of subtle or not subtle things. In my experience, many of the "lady killers" who rack up "double digits" do so because they literally pounce on "any" opportunity, even people they aren't that into, and a ton of that sex is unsatisfying even on a physical level. I once had the experience of dealing with a casual associate  (friend of a friend) who was traditionally handsome and had no problems landing dates or casual sex, but who was always depressed because he wanted a deeper connection and something longer term than "hooking up." His primary problem, though, is that he'd allowed a bad breakup to reveal his true self as a bitter, alcoholic, woman-hating Trump-humper, and I imagine women saw that coming a mile away and only wanted him for the one thing he was useful for.

(Incidentally, despite all of my fears and whines about worrying that a woman would find out about my inexperience, that dude was the first and so far, only person who intentionally and deliberately threw my virginity in my face in an attempt to hurt me once I started calling out his bad behavior and rotten politics online. I surprised myself by not even caring about it, because coming from him it was as useless as being called a poopy head from a ten year old. I also had no fear of anyone else in my feed taking him seriously by that point.)

That's the other lesson; never take one breakup or less than perfect relationship as being an example of an entire gender.

Well. In my defense, before me she was sleeping with a coworker. A lot of her friends called me an upgrade. But also, she told me about her ex, how she put him thru rehab and got into thousands of dollars of debt. When she told me that, I was apprehensive about it until I talked to…… Louisiana Friend about it and told me it spoke about Ex’s kindness and her character. Yes, Louisiana Friend, same one who Ex was leery about.  

Did I over share? Sure, probably but that’s what I get for being open and honest with zero things to hide.  

Ah, she was a hypocrite. Unfortunately, that is also very common. I'd argue 100% of people are hypocrites, it's just the area in which they are hypocritical that varies (and to what degree).

It sounds like once she told you about her ex, you felt talking about a crush would be fair game, and then it wasn't. We're squishy, emotional creatures who make even less sense than any other animal out there (even the platypus) and maybe she couldn't predict how she'd react to her new boyfriend revealing such things, to give her a benefit of the doubt. At any rate it sounds like you made an honest mistake in some good faith, so there's only so much mileage to be gained from beating yourself up over it. "Oversharing" is a thing, but everyone's definition varies.

I haven’t seen or spoken to her in weeks… she doesn’t post on socials all that much and I haven’t texted or DM’d her either since it happened. I’m just remembering her… gotta fight through it keep fighting for myself.

Of course, can’t dwell on it for too long. Just keep going.

Just to be clear, "fighting through it" should not mean burying it. It is okay and normal to have deep, passionate feelings and mourning for the end of a relationship, especially your first (flaws and all). Haven't you noticed how many songs are about breakups? And how male singers usually sing about how awful she was and how they moved on and woman singers usually go on about how awful they felt with some detail about their pain? It is because everyone goes through that, but the degree is different and gender expectations can mess with us. It's cliche for a woman who has gone thru a breakup to be "unable to get out of bed" or "sobs while eating ice cream," but that's because men stink at dealing with emotions or helping each other do that (which is the cause of a slew of violence and crime). You want to bawl your eyes out until you can't cry anymore for days or weeks? Go ahead. That's better than burying it and pretending it isn't there for some degree of "manliness." Eventually you will get to a point where it doesn't hurt so bad and it is easier to have cold perspective about it and then is a better time to test waters.

And this is definitely one area where I am a hypocrite, because I bury my emotions deeper than a corpse. But I also can tell you how bad that is to do, so don't do it.

[The Mikey]

Guess I have a gf now. Huh.

[Enail]

Congrats!

[The Mikey]

Congrats!

Thank you!

[Datelessman]

Guess I have a gf now. Huh.

Terrific! I'm so happy for you!

[The Mikey]

Guess I have a gf now. Huh.

Terrific! I'm so happy for you!

Yes, thank you! The future is bright.

[Werel]

Yay!! Congrats!

[The Mikey]

Yay!! Congrats!

Awww thank you, miss you, friend. Hug.

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