Re: Rants

[BiSian]

I am SOO OVER being yelled at, snarled at, passive agressively condescended to, and on top of that, having to be careful where I park my car so it doesn't get fucked with while I'm working an 8 hour shift of the above-mentioned being everyone's bitch!

I think I need a vacation. I love my job but it's grinding me down.

Plus, split weekends blow donkey balls.

[Werel]

I'm living in America's most expensive city, earning below the poverty line working 60 hours a week on research that no one but my professors will ever lay eyes on, my employment prospects post-PhD are likely worse than they would be without one, I live in fear of my debit card being declined at the grocery store, where I can't afford anything but cheap shitty food that makes me feel increasingly tired and unwell, I haven't seen my home or family in a year, the future post-doctorate is a terrifying blank void, and the demands of being in the world's top-ranked program for my field are turning me into a snappish, panicky, perpetually distracted husk of myself with no internal resources to spare for anyone I care about.

I'm sick of this shit, but I've got no better option than to stick it out for another four years, because who turns down the opportunity to earn a free PhD from the best program in the world? Idiots who are too pussy to take the heat, that's who. Idiots who want to prioritize their interpersonal relationships and volunteer work and hobbies and home life, who want to leave work at work and feel like they spend their days in service to others.  

...I can't even justify taking the 5 minutes to post a rant about it when I could be working.

edit: okay yes, fuck all us haoles for real, our government is actively occupying your islands and dispossessing the legitimate owners, you're entirely correct to hate us, if you asked us all to leave tomorrow I'd get on the plane. But yelling "Imma punch you in the head haole" at my boyfriend while you're drunk driving a giant truck just isn't necessary, is it? Good timing, though, picking the day when I'm already feeling like I don't belong here and want to go home.

[Enail]

Sometimes it feels like being good at dealing with things just means putting aside your mountains to handle other peoples' molehills.

[The Wisp]

Sorry all that's going on Werel. It sounds exhausting! A community college professor of mine called the PhD process "academic hazing", and she didn't even go to a top program in her field!

If you are interested in advice, there seem to a lot of current and former academics around here who I am sure would be willing to offer advice.

[Guest]

Sometimes I gotta wonder... what's a dude gotta do when he reads stuff like this?

I messaged a bunch of folks, and only one responded and that was because... I mentioned the MB-personalities plus our match percentage wasn't very high (so I didn't quite fully care). I re-messaged only two people against my better judgement and still nothing. So, I'm stuck.

Ah, forget it.

EDIT: Does anyone ever respond to anyone ever? Or at all?

[nearly_takuan]

Sometimes I gotta wonder... what's a dude gotta do when he reads stuff like this?

I messaged a bunch of folks, and only one responded and that was because... I mentioned the MB-personalities plus our match percentage wasn't very high (so I didn't quite fully care). I re-messaged only two people against my better judgement and still nothing. So, I'm stuck.

Ah, forget it.

Or maybe they did, but recognized that my faux account alleviated countless other women bombarded with suitors—however infinitessimal that relief was—and decided it could wait.

Boo fucking hoo.

These men are so confident in their leverage over me, as a desperately outgunned and overstimulated woman, that flat-out threats of violence—if I had told some random person on Twitter I would throw neurotoxins at them, I would maybe get a house call from someone with a badge—do not deter them. At all. The chance that their push will be the one that sets me off the ledge and into "giving a nice guy a try" is just too great for them to pass up.

When I read about a guy (or hundreds of guys) doggedly responding to every message no matter what it looks like, I don't think they're "confident". I think they're desperate. I can imagine myself doing exactly the same thing. Because, hey, "neurotoxins" might be a really terribly calibrated joke or an out-of-context pop culture reference; I'd want to find out more, but it's not necessarily a sign that I should stop messaging her. If she wasn't interested, she'd do what 99% of the other women do and just block or stop messaging me.

The takeaway from this is that OLD is, by nature, a service controlled by its clients—clients who are generally not "superusers" and do not all follow the same exact standard of conduct or etiquette or even approach the service with the same kind of understanding of what it's about or what certain signals mean. And that some signals are clearer than others: the best way to indicate that you're not interested is to not reply.

From the men-who-are-interested-in-women side of this, what can we even do? I can't send anti-messages to de-"overstimulate" all the women who so loathe getting harassment mixed in with the signs of interest. And while I'm currently running a side-quest to explore alternate routes to not hating my life, I don't think "give up" is a message that would be well-received by...well, any of us who currently use OLD, no matter how passively.

Whatever. It's one woman, who doesn't even date men, who decided OKCupid is misogynist and devised an experiment so she could arrive at that conclusion, and now she's written a blog about it. It's not like it's getting linked and shared in public by people with way more visibility.

[Jayce]

Ehhh I accidently skimmed through facebook today which I normally never do because I get jealous of other people's highlight reels. And I got jealous.

[azazel]

What irks me the most is that she claims that Portal passes the Bechdel test while there isn't one single conversation in the game. It's just an extended monologue.

I do love these social experiment on dating sites. Really contributes to the quality of them if 50% of the profiles is fake.

[reboot]

I thought it was a rather mean-spirited experiment and did not actually show what she thinks. Most of the text she sent might come off as a little weird, possibly as jokes, in some cases as interest (e.g. "Black Mesa. Did you feel that? You found me.", " Well do here are the results: We *are* getting somewhere. Anyway, back to testing. ") since it is pretty clear none of the men recognized the dialogue. Most of the conversations seemed like men trying to figure out exactly what was going on.

She also edited out anything that did not look like conversation because there are not 45 examples here, so my guess is most men stopped replying after the first message they sent.

I suppose the takeaway is if you reply to a non sequitur message and get another non sequitur, move along, and do not try to figure out what the person means.

[BasedBuzzed]

The title alone is warning enough that it is purposely inflammatory clickbait(donotlink is a great way for this type of stuff). Take solace in the fact that these halfway-intersectional(an underlying current of "haha, look out how desperate they are") Twitter addicts sooner or later always fuck up big time and then get devoured by their own followers. I wonder how much the original dude the article was inspired by got slapped around by the interweb("women already face a truckload of hurdles in entering dating sites, what with the constant abuse and bombardment of dick pics").

[eselle28]

I find these fake dating site experiments to be irritating. All this one proves is, "If you can attract someone's attention initially, you can often keep it for a few messages even if you're weird (but not offensive)." Which...yeah. I've replied to non sequiturs sent by men before, assuming they're making odd jokes or are perhaps a little drunk. I imagine guys do the same.

I also didn't think it proved anything that the guys didn't recognize Portal quotes. Not everyone games. Not everyone's played a specific game. Not everyone remembers lines from games they've played. I don't remember all those Portal lines, and I've played it. That bit of the experiment seemed to me like a "fake geek girl" test where someone is judged for not knowing an obscure fact about a fandom she doesn't belong to. Not being able to recognize Portal quotes doesn't make you a "fake feminist boy."

[Wondering]

Seriously. I played both Portal games and know a lot of GLaDOS quotes. I didn't know all of those. Someone who's not a gamer or fan? I'd doubt they'd even know the cake one.

The article did get the two songs stuck in my head again, though. So I'll be singing them to myself for the rest of the day. -So here we are again. It's always such a pleasure.

[Guest]

Boo fucking hoo.

Uhm, I'm sorry? Did I say something to upset thee as well or was it just the article?

When I read about a guy (or hundreds of guys) doggedly responding to every message no matter what it looks like, I don't think they're "confident". I think they're desperate.

In my case, I wouldn't call it desperate but more like "Hello? Is there anybody out there?"

The takeaway from this is that OLD is, by nature, a service controlled by its clients—clients who are generally not "superusers" and do not all follow the same exact standard of conduct or etiquette or even approach the service with the same kind of understanding of what it's about or what certain signals mean. And that some signals are clearer than others: the best way to indicate that you're not interested is to not reply.

And that's something I tend to forget. This shit is exhausting though. D:

From the men-who-are-interested-in-women side of this, what can we even do? I can't send anti-messages to de-"overstimulate" all the women who so loathe getting harassment mixed in with the signs of interest. And while I'm currently running a side-quest to explore alternate routes to not hating my life, I don't think "give up" is a message that would be well-received by...well, any of us who currently use OLD, no matter how passively.

Well, that's kinda where I am now. Okie, so they don't like being harassed, all right that's cool and totally rational, but how do I communicate with them? Smoke signals? I'll throw out messages, but I get nothing. Also Since I see a new "experiment" article every other week, I have to wonder, which profiles are real, which ones are not, which one is gonna embarrass/make fun of me for being a polite yet clueless dolt?

Whatever. It's one woman, who doesn't even date men, who decided OKCupid is misogynist and devised an experiment so she could arrive at that conclusion, and now she's written a blog about it. It's not like it's getting linked and shared in public by people with way more visibility.

Yep, that's where I found it, unfortunately though the Doc's FB/twitter page.

I thought it was a rather mean-spirited experiment and did not actually show what she thinks. Most of the text she sent might come off as a little weird, possibly as jokes, in some cases as interest (e.g. "Black Mesa. Did you feel that? You found me.", " Well do here are the results: We *are* getting somewhere. Anyway, back to testing. ") since it is pretty clear none of the men recognized the dialogue. Most of the conversations seemed like men trying to figure out exactly what was going on.

Which leads to my other question, how is anyone supposed to get anywhere when I don't know how many fake profiles there are out there?

I suppose the takeaway is if you reply to a non sequitur message and get another non sequitur, move along, and do not try to figure out what the person means.

I figure it'd was a bot and go on my way in shame and disappointment.

I find these fake dating site experiments to be irritating. All this one proves is, "If you can attract someone's attention initially, you can often keep it for a few messages even if you're weird (but not offensive)." Which...yeah. I've replied to non sequiturs sent by men before, assuming they're making odd jokes or are perhaps a little drunk. I imagine guys do the same.

If I got non-sequiturs (and I have but not in dating situations), I'd usually reply with a "lol wut" if anything.

[nearly_takuan]

Er, just the article. Sorry.

It's just that right now I don't feel terribly sorry for people getting "too many" messages. You wanna choose who you're talking to? Send your own Goddamn messages to people you're interested in and ignore anything unsolicited. For every woman who does do that it seems there are ten who don't, while complaining that they're being "bombarded with suitors".

Which is another failure point for any and all of these "experiments": they'll never go out and proactively send messages to people to see what that's like. They'll never allow anything to escalate to the point of actually meeting their victims to see what they're really like in person. It's all just a steaming pile of inferences about complete strangers whose use of the service is approximately as imperfect as anyone else's.

[reboot]

One problem is that the age group you are trying to date (under 25, right?) is the same age group that will have the most bots and fake profiles because it is the most "popular" group for men of all ages. Thus, your signal to noise ratio will be higher with you contacting bots and women in that age group getting a higher number of messages.

Best thing to do is not get heavily invested in the initial messages, just send them and forget about them. If you get replies, awesome. If not, there is always another day and another profile. If you get a bot, block and move on.

[Guest]

Er, just the article. Sorry.

Oh, well that's a relief.

One problem is that the age group you are trying to date (under 25, right?) is the same age group that will have the most bots and fake profiles because it is the most "popular" group for men of all ages. Thus, your signal to noise ratio will be higher with you contacting bots and women in that age group getting a higher number of messages.

Best thing to do is not get heavily invested in the initial messages, just send them and forget about them. If you get replies, awesome. If not, there is always another day and another profile. If you get a bot, block and move on.

Yes, under 25 indeed, I myself am 22. Trying to date my own age suuuucks, it seems like nobody wants you (or rather, me), the older girls don't want you, the younger chicks don't want you and the girls your age just think you're a dumbass. Add the fact that there's bots in that age group... such bullshit.

If anything, I find it that bots just make it harder for the shy dudes on the struggle. Maybe I should go smoke some pot and forget about dating.

[eselle28]

As if debates about street harassment weren't annoying enough as it is, The Cool Girl has decided to chime in. Thanks for the advice, Cool Girl, but I really don't care that much about learning to play didgeridoo and have other ways to find out where to buy peanut butter, especially not when it gets balanced out by hurtful comments and groping. Hell, that little reminder on the end of yours about how it's like moving to Paris on a whim? Most people don't really want to do that, either. That's why people thought your choice was unusual, not because you're the specialest of the snow flakes and they were in awe of you.

If you really want to do something unique, I would suggest that you start learning how to initiate conversations with men, since that's something you don't do and is your rationale for encouraging both catcallers and friendliness toward catcallers.

[caliseivy]

As if debates about street harassment weren't annoying enough as it is, The Cool Girl has decided to chime in. Thanks for the advice, Cool Girl, but I really don't care that much about learning to play didgeridoo and have other ways to find out where to buy peanut butter, especially not when it gets balanced out by hurtful comments and groping. Hell, that little reminder on the end of yours about how it's like moving to Paris on a whim? Most people don't really want to do that, either. That's why people thought your choice was unusual, not because you're the specialest of the snow flakes and they were in awe of you.

If you really want to do something unique, I would suggest that you start learning how to initiate conversations with men, since that's something you don't do and is your rationale for encouraging both catcallers and friendliness toward catcallers.

Against my better judgement I read the article. It's probably going to be spread around everywhere any woman says something about harassment and discomfort. Now there will be no such thing as catcalling being bad or harassment because this one woman is not negative about it which totally makes all us other women hypersensitive and bitchy.
Putting aside the issue of how risky talking to a catcaller could turn out, who has the time and energy to communicate with with everyone who catcalls them? If you were to get "Hey girl" or something to that effect in public on your way to work/meeting/etc and stopped to chat each time you would probably burn out pretty quickly. Well, I know I would.
So does this mean she's cool with strange guys taking the seat next to you on public transportation and opening up a random conversation with you when you're already on the phone or involved in something else?

I just made a lot of assumptions, but apparently I'm a little more irritated today than I thought I was.

[Hirundo Bos]

An online friend is very angry at the world, and with very good reason. And I know it's not about me, at all. But the faults berates the world for are some of the worst faults I see in myself. Specifically, it's about an awful news story around here, and how so many people can suspect that something is wrong somewhere and be upset but not intervene. And I know that if it were me, I might well turn out to be one of those people. For one ting, my head stops working under pressure, and it's hard for me to act at all without a birds-eye look of all the options. For another, the fear people have of misinterpreting the situation, I HAVE MISINTERPRETED SO MANY SITUATIONS IN MY LIFE AND GOTTEN SO MUCH NEGATIVE FEEDBACK FROM IT.

So I know it's not about me, and that it's personal for her, but it's like she is physically in my living room screaming at me because text is more real than flesh and blood to me. I want to scream back in caps lock, in powerlessness and despair and resentment, that THERE ARE SO MANY WRONG THINGS IN THE WORLD AND I FEEL I OUGHT TO FIX THEM ALL BUT I CAN'T DO SHIT ABOUT ANY OF THEM BECAUSE I'M SO USELESS WHEN IT COMES TO ANYTHING OTHER THAN WORDS, and I'm not always that good with words either, AND IF THAT MAKES YOU DISAPPOINTED IN ME, THAT'S NO MORE THAN I DESERVE.But I can't say that to her, my own semi-delusional and more than a little megalomaniacal self-despair is completely out of place in that situation. So I go here, where things out of place have their place.

But I'm still afraid of my self-control, lack of. The same lack that creates the powerlessness in the first place. I'm still afraid that the impulse to respond to her will get the better of me, even though I'm fairly certain it won't. Fairly certain, after all.

[reboot]

This story bothers me a lot: http://twentytwowords.com/dad-makes-10-year-old-literally-dress-her-age-after-catching-her-posing-as-a-teen-online/

[kath]

Blech.

[Guest]

This story bothers me a lot: http://twentytwowords.com/dad-makes-10-year-old-literally-dress-her-age-after-catching-her-posing-as-a-teen-online/

What would you have done differently?

Cue all the years of cultural indoctrination and implicit shaming that she'll get for being taller than average. She probably feels very alone.

[reboot]

This story bothers me a lot: http://twentytwowords.com/dad-makes-10-year-old-literally-dress-her-age-after-catching-her-posing-as-a-teen-online/

What would you have done differently?

Cue all the years of cultural indoctrination and implicit shaming that she'll get for being taller than average. She probably feels very alone.

Sat down with her and had a conversation about honesty to her family and in relationships (she was lying to guys about her age). About all the conflicting messages girls get about sexual desirability, and I would ask her why she wanted to lie to the guys (lying to me as a parent is kind of obvious). I would try to get her to think through how lying about yourself to others can backfire.

What I would not do is force her to dress in something that she hated, taken pictures of her, and posted them on the internet for complete strangers to comment on.

[Guest]

Sat down with her and had a conversation about honesty to her family and in relationships (she was lying to guys about her age). About all the conflicting messages girls get about sexual desirability, and I would ask her why she wanted to lie to the guys (lying to me as a parent is kind of obvious). I would try to get her to think through how lying about yourself to others can backfire.

What I would not do is force her to dress in something that she hated, taken pictures of her, and posted them on the internet for complete strangers to comment on.

Yeah, the comments section was disappointing.

[reboot]

I forsee her having clothes that will piss him off to no end hidden in her school locker and her becoming more savvy hiding her digital tracks. He just humiliated her publicly and shamed her for her sexuality (she clearly has hit puberty). Unintended consequences ahead.

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