Re: Rants

[Gentleman Johnny]

I hate dichotomies. Yes, the choice between—for instance—a bad Democrat or a worse Republican, but also the choice between having to choose the least bad of the two and not voting. (What's it called when you vote for a third-party candidate? "Not voting.") I hate that, seeing two choices, people will assume they are opposite. I hate that, seeing how two choices are not opposites of each other, people will conclude they are the same. I hate that, seeing how two choices are both bad, they assume there's a superior third choice. I hate that, seeing how there are only two reasonable choices, people will resign to picking one of them. I hate that, finding themselves between a rock and another rock, people look for a different word to describe the second rock.

And given all of that, I hate that I'm one of those people.

For fear of completely derailing your point, that's what primaries are for. If you're waiting until election day, you're already stuck with two movers who are beholden to interests that you are not part of. If you can bring votes to the primaries, you are one of those interests.

[nearly_takuan]

Oh, I've definitely gotten involved in campaigns for various candidates in primaries (though I was always more comfortable putting up or holding signs than confronting people directly), but even there it's often a case of which in-party candidate I want to beat, not which one I want to help succeed. Sen. Wyden was an exception, for me at least. I like that guy.

That said... I also might have that attitude about more things besides US elections.

[Gentleman Johnny]

The though is on my mind because my city council elections are in 2015 and the widest margin in the general election last time was 300 votes. That means the local performer/geek/Burning Man community could pretty much swing the whole council through old fashioned canvassing and driving people to the polls.

[KMR]

It's really hard to write a paper when every time you think about it or sit down to write, you just get irritated and angry because you think it's not particularly worthwhile and a waste of time and a pain in the ass and you really don't want to write it. Because then, getting anything accomplished first requires getting past those feelings, and then you're also dealing with those feelings over and over again as they continually resurface while you're writing. So even though all I want to do is just be productive so I can get this over with, the whole process is taking forever and is making me miserable.

[Werel]

It's really hard to write a paper when every time you think about it or sit down to write, you just get irritated and angry because you think it's not particularly worthwhile and a waste of time and a pain in the ass and you really don't want to write it. Because then, getting anything accomplished first requires getting past those feelings, and then you're also dealing with those feelings over and over again as they continually resurface while you're writing. So even though all I want to do is just be productive so I can get this over with, the whole process is taking forever and is making me miserable.

Are you in my brain right now? Are we having the exact same thoughts at the same time? Because that's precisely where I'm at today. Solidarity fistbump, good luck with your paper.

[KMR]

Thanks, good luck with your paper as well.

I need to stop looking at my page count while I write this, as it is just depressing me. Because here's where I am:

-Syllabus says this should be a 20-page paper
-I know I can't write 20 pages on this topic, and my experience is that most professors aren't so strict about their page limits that I would need to stress myself out about it, so I'm aiming for 15 pages
-With what I've written so far, plus everything I can think of to still add, it puts me at around 10 pages
-Well, fuck...
-So I will have to figure out how to add 50% more stuff to my paper without sounding rambly and like I'm repeating myself, even though I already feel like I'm rambling and repeating myself just with these 10 pages

[waxingjaney]

Digressions are your friend.

[Guest]

So my internship is coming to a close. I worked with two other very awesome interns, which was great! The not so great part was me being attracted to both of them by the end of it.

Guh. It sucks because... well, I'll be honest, I did wanna date and/or sleep with them. But I didn't wanna get in trouble and coupled with my own anxieties, I think I'm gonna let that go (yes, this includes one of the interns from an earlier thread).

So, I'm frustrated with myself more than anything else. :/

[nearly_takuan]

When your internship is over, it won't be fraternization anymore...?

[Guest]

When your internship is over, it won't be fraternization anymore...?

It would be, but one of them isn't local, and I don't know where she's going next. Plus... there's two of them, wouldn't it be scummy of me to ask them both out?

[nearly_takuan]

So pick one. Maybe the one who isn't likely to move to another state? I mean, not that they're interchangeable or whatever, but I don't see why having two options means you can't try either one.

[reboot]

Personally, I would get their contact information and ask both of them (assuming both stay local) to hang out 1:1. If it goes well with one or both of them, at the end of the hang out ask if they want to go on a date date. Nothing scummy about that.

[Guest]

Argh, I hate caffeine induced paranoia.

[The Wisp]

This is the kind of relationship I'm fearful of, and what really pisses me off is the number of people in the comments excusing this girlfriend being a user by speculating that she might be "depressed" or "a victim of sexual assault". Bullshit!

[Guest]

So pick one. Maybe the one who isn't likely to move to another state? I mean, not that they're interchangeable or whatever, but I don't see why having two options means you can't try either one.

Well one of them lives two counties away or so. Same state, still a long drive. D:

Personally, I would get their contact information and ask both of them (assuming both stay local) to hang out 1:1. If it goes well with one or both of them, at the end of the hang out ask if they want to go on a date date. Nothing scummy about that.

I do have both of their emails, Facebooks, Snapchats and numbers. ;3 Matter of fact I was invited to a Christmas Beer exchange, so as soon as I find out if I can invite a guest with me I'll ask either one of them to be my date. Or I can invite them to just chill with me somewhere.

[eselle28]

This is the kind of relationship I'm fearful of, and what really pisses me off is the number of people in the comments excusing this girlfriend being a user by speculating that she might be "depressed" or "a victim of sexual assault". Bullshit!

Wisp, I know this is a rants thread, but nothing described there sounds like one partner using the other or needs to be "excused" as if it were a moral wrong. Sharing an apartment with someone you're dating doesn't come with a guarantee of frequent sex or good sex or any sex. Past sexual abuse and depression are, in fact, things that can affect a couple's sex life, though that wouldn't be my diagnosis based on that fact pattern. To me, this sounds like an unhappy relationship where people probably shouldn't be living together and perhaps shouldn't be dating.

[Werel]

Why does my most ludicrously time-consuming class have to be the one taught by my advisor? I'm producing work below the quality I could produce because the workload is so stupid heavy and I just don't have time, which is usually a "oh well just get something turned in" situation, but the professor I'm disappointing here is the one person who counts most in my academic life. And this is the first class I've ever taken with him, and my True Chance to Prove Myself to Him, and I want him to be PROUD OF MEEEEEEE

(wait I think I know why his course is the one with a mad workload: it's because he's old and famous and a genius, so what takes him 3 hours takes us normal folks 10. DAMN, I want to be a seasoned genius.)

[The Wisp]

This is the kind of relationship I'm fearful of, and what really pisses me off is the number of people in the comments excusing this girlfriend being a user by speculating that she might be "depressed" or "a victim of sexual assault". Bullshit!

Wisp, I know this is a rants thread, but nothing described there sounds like one partner using the other or needs to be "excused" as if it were a moral wrong. Sharing an apartment with someone you're dating doesn't come with a guarantee of frequent sex or good sex or any sex. Past sexual abuse and depression are, in fact, things that can affect a couple's sex life, though that wouldn't be my diagnosis based on that fact pattern. To me, this sounds like an unhappy relationship where people probably shouldn't be living together and perhaps shouldn't be dating.

Did you read the whole post?

I do most of everyday chores. Removed some of her financial stress. Try to do something special for her daily. Get her spontaneous gifts. Take her out to dinner, compliment her, go do fun actives together. We have fun and joke around most of the time.


We do have sex almost weekly. But she controls when and where, and it is always the same “move” by taking of her pants and saying something like “I’m ready now”. I have to do most of the work,

Sounds like a user to me, albeit not abusive.


Also, I was mostly reacting to commenters (not necessarily the top ones, though) implying that the OP had an obligation to stay with her because she was "depressed" or whatever, even though he was putting in all the effort in the relationship. 

Edit: Maybe I was too harsh. The whole post pinged a ton of particular insecurities and fears of mine.

[eselle28]

I read the entire OP and about half of the comments. Nothing said there and nothing you quoted sounds like a user to me. She's sleeping on a couch 5 nights of the week. Most people I know don't much enjoy living situations where they sleep on couches. To me, it sounds like someone who got fairly cold on a relationship at some point after moving in and who's shitty about communicating about it. The communication part's condemnable, but the bit about not wanting to have sex with him seems like a natural consequence of a dead relationship. It doesn't really sound like she's using him for sex or anything - the impression I get even from his side of the narrative is that she's not having much fun, either. I'd note there's no mention of whether she's enjoying the encounters, and that he says he feels like she's only doing it for him.

I would certainly join you in disagreeing with people urging him to continue a relationship that makes him unhappy. If your partner is depressed or dealing with post-traumatic stress symptoms or vaguely turned off by you or bored, I think it's at least within your rights to expect them to communicate with you about it if the relationship is to continue. My quarrel is with portraying the woman in question as a user for living with a kind, helpful boyfriend and losing interest in having sex with him.

[azazel]

I read the entire OP and about half of the comments. Nothing said there and nothing you quoted sounds like a user to me. She's sleeping on a couch 5 nights of the week. Most people I know don't much enjoy living situations where they sleep on couches. To me, it sounds like someone who got fairly cold on a relationship at some point after moving in and who's shitty about communicating about it. The communication part's condemnable, but the bit about not wanting to have sex with him seems like a natural consequence of a dead relationship. It doesn't really sound like she's using him for sex or anything - the impression I get even from his side of the narrative is that she's not having much fun, either. I'd note there's no mention of whether she's enjoying the encounters, and says he feels like she's only doing it for him.

I would certainly join you in disagreeing with people urging him to continue a relationship that makes him unhappy. If your partner is depressed or dealing with post-traumatic stress symptoms or vaguely turned off by you or bored, I think it's at least within your rights to expect them to communicate with you about it if the relationship is to continue. My quarrel is with portraying the woman in question as a user for living with a kind, helpful boyfriend and losing interest in having sex with him.

:/

See, I agree with "not wanting to have sex with him seems like a natural consequence of a dead relationship", but I'd say that continuing a dead relationship with someone who is providing much, much more than you are, is the very definition of using someone.

[eselle28]

:/

See, I agree with "not wanting to have sex with him seems like a natural consequence of a dead relationship", but I'd say that continuing a dead relationship with someone who is providing much, much more than you are, is the very definition of using someone.

I'd say the definition of using someone is getting things from a relationship that make you happy, promising things to the person providing them that would make them happy, and then not following through on your end of the bargain. The reason I don't think it applies here is that, even by the boyfriend's account, it doesn't sound like the girlfriend is very happy with this relationship or all that excited by her boyfriend's contribution to it. She's sleeping a couch most nights, is having sex with him once a week and by his perception mostly to please him (which means he's willingly having sex with someone who he knows isn't all that into having sex with him), and nothing in the narrative suggests she considers his doing chores to be of high value to her. If we conclude she should be having (or feigning) more frequent, more enthusiastic sex with him because he's a good guy who does lots of housework, that has some really unpleasant implications about consent.

She should break up with him if she's not into him anymore. He should also break up with her, since it seems like she's not willing to do anything to help make the relationship better or even communicate about what's wrong. She's being a jackass. But I think that being a jackass isn't quite the same thing as using someone, and given the narratives about women and sexuality and money, I think it's an important distinction to make.

[UristMcBunny]

Dude.

The day I approached you at the train station to ask if you were someone I knew, I was being honest with you - you're the spitting image of an old friend from back home.

I've since enjoyed our morning chats during my commute, and that enjoyment was always supported in no small part by the fact that both you and I mentioned our partners - my fiancé and your wife - within 5 minutes of meeting and starting to chat. I felt comfortable when we both came out as various forms of not-straight to each other, and it's pretty normal for a conversation like that to include some mentioning-that-various-people-in-the-area-are-hot as a means of deflecting awkwardness.

And you got a pass for mentioning my tits the day after you added me on facebook, because it is admittedly pretty hilarious that, in spite of my vigorous security setting-checking on that site, one of the three pictures of myself NOT set to friends-only happened to also be literally the only close-up picture of my tits on there. And I get that they're kind of fucking massive and literally everyone - men, women, old ladies, children - who has spoken to me more than once has mentioned them at some point, so you get one more pass for commenting on their very evident presence when I took off my bulky Winter coat.

But no. No, dude. The fact that I undid my coat and jumper at the station today after marching uphill at speed to catch our train was not me "intentionally" displaying them to you as some sort of weird flirty manoeuvre. And sending me a PM on facebook asking if it was is not cool. I have tits. They are not a set of sexy lingerie I choose to put on in the morning in lieu of actual clothes. They are a physical part of my body that I had no say in the growth and development of. They exist - and are just as large and pendulous and noticeable - whether I'm catching a train or doing yoga or brushing my teeth or working or picking the scuzz out from between my toes. And there is very little I can wear clothing-wise where they will not take centre fucking stage. Their existence does not signal intent.

But I was again relieved when, after I replied that I was not flirting with you when I took off my coat, you responded by accepting the statement and asking me, in hindsight, whether I was okay with flirting with you. That was thoughtful, and did make me re-assess you as more clueless than creepy and your comments as an accidental overstepping of a boundary due to misreading the situation - all forgiveable stuff.

The only problem is it's been like 20 minutes since that happened and since then you keep talking about your personal flirting preferences while edging towards sympathy-grabbing by stating that your own open boundaries might make you a "bad person". You're not a bad person for misreading a situation or for flirting with someone who turned out to just be catastrophically bad at recognising flirting until it gets obvious. But your desire to apparently make Tell Flirty Dude His Boundary Crossing is Okay the one conversation topic of the evening is kind of shitty all over again.

Basically I have no idea what your deal is or if you have an agenda and it's starting to really suck that I basically HAVE to get the same train as you and have no graceful way to bow out of our morning conversations if you turn out to be a Creep McCreepster.

[Caffeinated]

This is the kind of relationship I'm fearful of, and what really pisses me off is the number of people in the comments excusing this girlfriend being a user by speculating that she might be "depressed" or "a victim of sexual assault". Bullshit!

Wisp, I know this is a rants thread, but nothing described there sounds like one partner using the other or needs to be "excused" as if it were a moral wrong. Sharing an apartment with someone you're dating doesn't come with a guarantee of frequent sex or good sex or any sex. Past sexual abuse and depression are, in fact, things that can affect a couple's sex life, though that wouldn't be my diagnosis based on that fact pattern. To me, this sounds like an unhappy relationship where people probably shouldn't be living together and perhaps shouldn't be dating.

Did you read the whole post?

I do most of everyday chores. Removed some of her financial stress. Try to do something special for her daily. Get her spontaneous gifts. Take her out to dinner, compliment her, go do fun actives together. We have fun and joke around most of the time.


We do have sex almost weekly. But she controls when and where, and it is always the same “move” by taking of her pants and saying something like “I’m ready now”. I have to do most of the work,

Sounds like a user to me, albeit not abusive.


Also, I was mostly reacting to commenters (not necessarily the top ones, though) implying that the OP had an obligation to stay with her because she was "depressed" or whatever, even though he was putting in all the effort in the relationship. 

Edit: Maybe I was too harsh. The whole post pinged a ton of particular insecurities and fears of mine.

When I read the post, I thought the people offering advice about maybe she was depressed or whatever was just because the OP specifically stated that he loved her and wanted to save the relationship. He didn't ask if they should break up (OMG THEY REALLY SHOULD!) but for advice about working things out. So the people giving advice about how he could manage to stay with her were only listening to his stated preference. If he wasn't set on staying together, then those advice givers would be doing him a disservice, because it doesn't matter why your partner is treating you badly in a relationship or why you're unhappy in a relationship, being unhappy is reason enough to leave. He's not obligated to stay with or help his GF, he just wants to for some reason. Just like if you got into a relationship that turned bad, you wouldn't be obligated to stay in it. But yeah, if he hadn't specifically said he wanted to stay, then it would be crappy advice for people to be talking about how she might have this or that problem.

[Robjection]

Yeesh Bunny, really sorry you're having to deal with that.

[nearly_takuan]

Okay, so, legal rights is definitely a major issue and we should acknowledge that. But it's not the only issue. Ever. Right? I mean, it's technically illegal for someone to pay you less than they would pay me for doing the same job. But the definition of "the same job" is too narrow, so there's no real way to hold anyone accountable even if we compared our salaries in similar jobs. It's not about the law, it's about cultural attitudes. Right?

You get that. Why don't you get this?

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