Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

[Suika]

Anyway, what do you all think of my profile? And how do I get better pictures? Especially given that, even though I have a few friends now, we don't actually do anything that would look interesting in a photo.

It looks good, the only gripe I have is based on my own not-so-common view.

[The Wisp]

You should message me if

This sentence is false...

Gawd damn it Wisp, that plus your very sincere aspirations to create a work so fundamental yet groundbreaking that it replaces Meditations on First Philosophy as the ultimate Thing You Are Subjected To In Intro (maybe try giving it an equally bombastic name?) sets off all the adorably sincere, sweet yet fiercely intelligent and intellectual alarms in me.

But you are already the personality type I already go for, so that actually doesn't say much... It's possible you might want to tweak your profile so it appeals to a wider audience, but how or even why you would want to do that is absolutely beyond me.

Sorry, not much to say here in regards to photos. I just think you did a pretty good job of conveying your intelligence, curiosity and interests via text there.

Thanks! I do think it comes down to the pictures. I do have a friend (H, from "Processing Social Stuff") who is an amateur photographer, maybe I can ask her to help me out?

As for the title, how about: The Apology of the Essay Concerning the Treatise Meditating on the First Philosophy: Why Dead Violinists Exemplify the Virtue of the Ontological Argument within Monads (too much of an insider's joke methinks! )

[Solvi]

The foxgirl poster photo/comment is ballsy. I guess if you want to filter out women who'd be threatened by it, or find it objectionable, it'll do the job (and might attract the odd duck or two who's into the fact that you're calling attention to it)... but damn, that's gonna be a pretty small pool you're left with. I'd either take out the comment, crop the photo, or (better) take another photo that shows your whole face.

Gotta say, though, this is a pretty smooth line: "Though the game is fun in single-player, I've always thought that multi-player might be an interesting experience."

Is that how I come off?  I just thought those descriptions I wrote were just normal.
I guess I don't see that because of my Asperger's.
Anyways, I'm probably going to update the bio some and make it look better.

I'd also add, as far as the photo goes, that you might want to consider some of the social-sciences literature about how poses and gazes affect viewers' perceptions of a photographed subject's personality.  (cf. Bell, P. [2001]. Content analysis of visual images.  In T. Van Leeuwen and C. Jewitt [eds.], The handbook of visual analysis [pp. 10-34].  London: SAGE.)

In your profile photo (with the foxgirl poster and the N64), you're looking slightly down towards the camera, which is a typical form of self-presentation for heterosexual men in American culture.  This, however, is a form of body language that many people interpret as being threatening or intimidating, and thus may put people off.  You might want to consider taking a new photo in which the camera is either exactly at eye level (thus often creating an impression of affiliation, of treating the viewer as an equal), or even with you looking up into the camera (thus often creating an impression of submission or seduction -- non-threatening, in either event).  A smile would also go a long way towards reducing the intimidation factor.  This can help make you seem more friendly and approachable.

[Solvi]

Apparently if your a man, you shouldn't look at the camera nor smile. That's counterintuitive.

So, how does one get good pictures of themselves, anyway? I posted my profile for a critique on Reddit and they said the big problem was my pictures, which were boring and unflattering. People don't just take candid photos of each other randomly, and even if candid photos were taken of me they'd be boring, too: "here I am on A's couch talking to people" and "here I am at a local restaurant". Also, apparently all my hobbies and interests are very much dominated by men (I kinda knew that).

Anyway, what do you all think of my profile? And how do I get better pictures? Especially given that, even though I have a few friends now, we don't actually do anything that would look interesting in a photo.

Since you're explicitly asking for advice (personally, I think the photos you've already got are pretty nice), here's something to possibly consider.  Why not try a photo with a prop?  Something that shows you actually doing an activity that you claim to enjoy?

If you have access to a camera with a timer (or a remote shutter release), this can be pretty straightforward: pose reclining, with a book or game controller in hand, maybe flirtatiously glancing towards the camera as if inviting the viewer to join in.  It would clearly convey both your interests and how you choose to pursue them (which admittedly doesn't really come across in your current pictures), and thus might be worth a shot.

[jcorozza]

Overall it looks good to men, though I agree the photos could be more interesting - either with a prop or some sort of activity happening. Plus, you should have more than two.

I did wonder...why did you leave the relationship "type" part blank? I know for me, that's a dealbreaker piece of information, so I'd move right along if I didn't know the answer...

[The Wisp]

I did wonder...why did you leave the relationship "type" part blank?  I know for me, that's a dealbreaker piece of information, so I'd move right along if I didn't know the answer...

I have mixed feelings about monogamy is the reason. On the one hand, I'm not sure I could be monogamous in a long term relationship. On the the other hand, for the more short term and lower commitment relationships I'm looking for right now, I'd be fine with it.

[WolfBlitzer]

Right, guess I'll dive right in, post my PoF profile and get some comments.

edit: I decided I'm not so comfortable linking my identifiable profile in a publicly accessible forum for now.

[The Wisp]

Just a note on your pictures, you might want your main one to be different. Apparently men's pictures are most successful when they look away from the camera and don't have broad smiles. It's counterintuitive, but it's true.

[WolfBlitzer]

Yeah, I've read that. And about the sunglasses, too. I went for a photo with an interesting background over something bland, and my girl-friend troubleshooters insist I need to be smiling, but I'll keep it in mind.

[ReploidArmada]

I decided to give another OLD site a shot, so I made an account on Geek2Geek a day or two ago. That seems to have been a terrible idea. Not only can I not seem to link to my profile, but all of the people I'm seeing are either across the country, or like ten years older than I am with two kids.

I know I should have suspended any hope I had for anything coming from this, but I'm already disheartened and I just started.

[Wondering]

I don't online date, so take my comment for what it's worth, but I haven't heard good things about the availability of people on niche sites. Maybe ones like J-Date or Christian Mingle that have a specific religious clientele, but other than that, from what I've read, the big ones like OKC, PoF, eHarmony, or Match have more options.

So, don't get discouraged because that one site doesn't have a lot of options.

[ReploidArmada]

Well, I got banned from OKC because someone else was being a jerk, and I'm not paying money for eHarmony I'm not sure about the other two, though. Are they at least passably decent?

[Wondering]

No idea, honestly. Match is also pay. Plenty of Fish is free, as far as I know, but hopefully some folks who actually use the sites and give you some info.

[Opwindvogel]

Question 1: Is there some kind of socially accepted way, in which you can ask to see better pictures of the person you're messaging with?

E.g.: SC. Pretty face, funny and what have you. But all her pictures are flattering photos (good camera angle, lighting etc...). In most of her pictures she wears a concealing sweater. Nice sweater but the problem is, it's very concealing. I have a somewhat general idea, but I really can't discover any specifics (specific body type ...).

How do you I go about this, without coming across as a douchebag and making her feel objectified. I'm not trying to see bikini photo's or anything like that; just clear honest pictures. So if  you are a woman, how can I ask you this without insulting you and making me seem like a douchebag in the process?:p. It's not terribly important, I'm quite certain that SC will at least become a friend of mine regardless of this aspect; but I would like to know. I'm seeing her somewhere next week, but I prefer to know such things in advance. Or are such questions always rude?

Question 2: Online Dating ethics. Is it acceptable to online date multiple girls at the same time? Could I adopt a silence policy: don't ask don't tell - so if one does ask I provide an honest answer (their due diligence so to speak). This is for the moment a mostly academic question, since I don't know if I'm going to do that; it would be handy though to avoid developing things like oneitis etc...

E.g.: You meet A for a coffee on Monday; B on Friday etc...

Side note: I'm not doing this online dating thing for serious endeavors, but I also don't want to be an ass. I just want to have some fun and this is quite low investment, plus I avoid real girls from places I normally frequent. I'm following lesson 4: http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2011/08/survive-break-up/ . Nothing else to it, healing process etc.

[reboot]

Question 1: Just ask to meet up with her. Worst case scenario you have a 30 minute coffee date with someone whose personality you like but whose body type is not your preference. The question is always rude and likely to result in you not meeting at all

Question 2: definitely OK to date multiple women (it is never OK to date girls since they are underage) and assume that any woman you date is also dating other men. General protocol is that you both know you are actively dating as long as your online profile is active. Exclusivity is a later conversation

[jcorozza]

I've been messing around with my OKC profile lately (adding new pictures, tinkering with the words), so I figured it couldn't hurt to get some feedback. I've been told it's like reading a novel, so, maybe that's something I can work on...

https://www.okcupid.com/profile?cf=newusermenu

[Guest]

I've been messing around with my OKC profile lately (adding new pictures, tinkering with the words), so I figured it couldn't hurt to get some feedback.  I've been told it's like reading a novel, so, maybe that's something I can work on...

https://www.okcupid.com/profile?cf=newusermenu

Link isn't working.

[jcorozza]

How about...this one?

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/DorkataurJ?cf=profile

[Guest]

Aw! You're adorable! In pretty much every way possible. I honestly don't have any feedback to help you improve -- your photos are great, your profile is playful and fun and shows a ton of personality. You look fantastic! It also doesn't seem at all wordy to me.

But I am also not in your target demographic.

[jcorozza]

Aw shucks. Can you see my blushing through the internet?

[PintsizeBro]

I am in your target demographic (well, as far as age and gender go, anyway), and I agree that it's a good profile. Pictures are flattering and give a good idea of what you look like and your personality comes through well in your written profile. I don't think it's too long, it was an enjoyable read.

[BasedBuzzed]

The rat's face facing the camera would gives bonus adorability points, and I'd shuffle the second pic a bit more to the back due to samey content as the first one, and putting the tapir pic in its place, because it shows what you do with your hobby.

[jcorozza]

Thanks, PintsizeBro - as a writer I feel extra pressure to write a profile that is both interesting/entertaining and sells my personality. Like if I fail at that I fail at ALL WRITING!

BasedBuzzed - switched them around. I aimed for ratface pics, but sadly the pictures where I look good seem to be all ratbutt. But when he's looking for a date, I'll put one of those up

[CP96]

A couple of pages back I was advised to take a more chilled-out/sensitive picture to complement the more action-oriented ones I already have. I still haven't managed to get a good-quality photo from a coffee-shop or something but I did take random selfie the other day that I think actually turned out ok. I don't know if it's "sensitive" or not but it does come across as a bit more chilled out. Profile below:

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Rock-And-Read

[PintsizeBro]

I think the GoT pic is plenty chilled out, but that could be just me.

You have good taste in music, too.

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