Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

[The Wisp]

I think the main pic would be better if it was replaced with a similar one where you weren't looking directly into the camera. There's something too intense about it IMO.

[Guest]

I think the main pic would be better if it was replaced with a similar one where you weren't looking directly into the camera. There's something too intense about it IMO.

I'll counter this with a strong voice the other way -- that pic is smokin'.

The intensity is good, because it feels like you're connecting with the camera, and thus with me. It's a compelling pic.

[The Wisp]

I think the main pic would be better if it was replaced with a similar one where you weren't looking directly into the camera. There's something too intense about it IMO.

I'll counter this with a strong voice the other way -- that pic is smokin'.

The intensity is good, because it feels like you're connecting with the camera, and thus with me.  It's a compelling pic.

Then he should probably listen to you. You'd have a much better sense of what his target demographic likes than I do!

[reboot]

I think the main pic would be better if it was replaced with a similar one where you weren't looking directly into the camera. There's something too intense about it IMO.

I'll counter this with a strong voice the other way -- that pic is smokin'.

The intensity is good, because it feels like you're connecting with the camera, and thus with me.  It's a compelling pic.

I am seconding this. The direct look is really eye catching.

[jcorozza]

I think it was less that it needed to be "chill", but more that there were just a lot of very outdoorsy/actiony ones, and only the one "nerdy" picture. Depending what type of woman you are looking for, you may want to choose your main photo accordingly.

[Prajnaparamita]

I think it was less that it needed to be "chill", but more that there were just a lot of very outdoorsy/actiony ones, and only the one "nerdy" picture.  Depending what type of woman you are looking for, you may want to choose your main photo accordingly.

Just to throw in my opinion here, I don't necessarily think you need to sort "nerdy" or "athletic" like it's an exclusive either/or. For instance, while I'm attracted to many types, the athletic nerdy guy tends to be one of those types that I often end up attracted to or dating. I might not be as outdoorsy as him, but generally there's still a good bit of overlap in what you can do together, like lower impact activities like biking or hiking, or just acknowledge that in a relationship not all of your hobbies are necessarily going to be identical and that's okay. Initially, I used to screen out guys who I thought were too much of a jock to want to date someone nerdy like me out of insecurity, but then I later realized that doing so was kinda stupid because there is this subset of nerdy guys who are really into stuff like martial arts (probably from a lot of kung-fu movies and anime as a kid) and if they were potentially interested in me, what was the issue?

I guess I don't think it needs to be the case that you have to market yourself in dating to one specific subset of individuals identifying themselves around certain lifestyle choices and hobbies, because people are generally a lot more complex in who they are than one particular label, and compatibility doesn't necessarily come from having exactly the same hobbies and interests as the other person.

I dunno, I look at your profile CP and think "hey, he both shares a lot of my nerdy interests, and also looks like he's had a lot of interesting adventures (and is probably really ripped and looks really nice shirtless cuz hey I'm shallow like that!), those are both pluses in my book!" But that's just how I interpret it.

[jcorozza]

Perhaps I could have phrased it better - in the early version, if I recall, almost all of the pictures read "athletic/outdoorsy", while the profile mentions more "nerdy" interests. As a person who likes both, I think I would be really intimidated by the initial set of photos and think, "oh, I'm not outdoorsy enough". So it really depends if your target audience is equally into both of those things, more into one than the other, etc. There are definitely people who are both of those things - just that as it was, it was, the pictures were skewing more towards an athletic audience.

[CP96]

Thanks for the feedback guys.

At this stage of the game I'm not too sure exactly what it is I'm after so I'd like to seem fairly approachable to a range of different types. I think I'd prefer someone reasonably physically active but they don't have to be a super athlete or anything. Similarly I'd probably get on better with someone who is already into or at least accepting of geeky activities than someone who has no time for that stuff, but they definitely don't need to be able to quote entire episodes of Firefly word-for-word.

[reboot]

Thanks for the feedback guys.

At this stage of the game I'm not too sure exactly what it is I'm after so I'd like to seem fairly approachable to a range of different types. I think I'd prefer someone reasonably physically active but they don't have to be a super athlete or anything. Similarly I'd probably get on better with someone who is already into or at least accepting of geeky activities than someone who has no time for that stuff, but they definitely don't need to be able to quote entire episodes of Firefly word-for-word.

I think your profile and your pictures give a nice balance. I am nerd adjacent and there were a ton of hooks I could respond to in your profile, so I think you are appealing to a bigger pool than just nerds. Makes me wish I had an age appropriate daughter who happened to live in the UK

[Guest]

I think your profile and your pictures give a nice balance. I am nerd adjacent and there were a ton of hooks I could respond to in your profile, so I think you are appealing to a bigger pool than just nerds. Makes me wish I had an age appropriate daughter who happened to live in the UK

I have this thought often with guys in this thread -- man, I wish they were closer/a few years older. Because there are a lot of intelligent, witty, interesting guys here, and some of them are decidedly easy on the eyes.

[reboot]

I think your profile and your pictures give a nice balance. I am nerd adjacent and there were a ton of hooks I could respond to in your profile, so I think you are appealing to a bigger pool than just nerds. Makes me wish I had an age appropriate daughter who happened to live in the UK

I have this thought often with guys in this thread -- man, I wish they were closer/a few years older.  Because there are a lot of intelligent, witty, interesting guys here, and some of them are decidedly easy on the eyes.

I am so glad I am not the only one who does that! Although at my age it makes me feel super creepy

[Prajnaparamita]

I think your profile and your pictures give a nice balance. I am nerd adjacent and there were a ton of hooks I could respond to in your profile, so I think you are appealing to a bigger pool than just nerds. Makes me wish I had an age appropriate daughter who happened to live in the UK

I have this thought often with guys in this thread -- man, I wish they were closer/a few years older.  Because there are a lot of intelligent, witty, interesting guys here, and some of them are decidedly easy on the eyes.

I am so glad I am not the only one who does that! Although at my age it makes me feel super creepy

As someone who has absolutely no shame over lusting over age inappropriate men, I do the same thing but without the qualms!

[Jane_the_chicken]

Hallo! I am new to the forums -- I've commented a bit on Dr. Nerdlove under the name sgoch.

Right, so, I've hit upon a run of bad luck/low energy in my internet dating (funny how often those go together ) and I want to check up on if I'm doing something unintentionally weird. If anyone could take a look at my profile, it would be deeply appreciated.

Profile here: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/pollotori

Issues I am aware of: my newest photo (the drinking-a-beer one) is several months old. I need to head out with a camera and a friend to get some new photos.

There are many other things I am worried about, mostly in the photo department, but they do, in fact, accurately represent what I look like. . .

[BasedBuzzed]

>travelled
A good mix of photos(different lighting/angles/glasses and no glasses/postures), perhaps one with you doing a hobby added into the first three can help. I also like the commentary on the movies you watch, but perhaps make those parts into bulleted lists will help make it less clunky to read.

[Guest]

1 "l" is actually fine in American English!

Overall, I really like it. I laughed aloud at the AutoCAD line.

The one concrete piece of advice that I'd give is that for your age, the age range you put down seems on the narrow side. If you've thought hard about it and it really matters to you, that's fine, but it may limit your matches. At 27, and your place on life, I'd probably be looking for more like a 10-year spread around my age -- 22/23-32 or so.

Not trying to police your preferences, just asking if that was a considered one or just a "well,I have to put something."

[jcorozza]

There's a couple of missed capitals, but that's minor.

One thing I did think of - I mostly read guys' profiles, so take that for what it's worth, but there are a lot of folks, especially in our age group, who write about travel in their profiles. Which is good, because it means you share that interest, but bad because it means that you are also competing with all of these other people who write a lot about travel. Maybe there are some other hobbies/interests you can emphasize more, both in the profile and in the pictures? Oh, and speaking of pictures - short hair seems to suit your face really well/bring out a lot of your facial features in the best way.

[reboot]

One thing that I would change is what you are doing on a Friday night. Something like, "Usually I am doing (what you wrote). If I feel like going out I can be found doing X, Y or Z" Right now, it looks like the only social thing you are into is travel, which would make it hard for someone to picture themselves in your life or figure out what you might like to do with them on the first few dates, since they are generally in public spaces.

[Jane_the_chicken]

There's a couple of missed capitals, but that's minor.

One thing I did think of - I mostly read guys' profiles, so take that for what it's worth, but there are a lot of folks, especially in our age group, who write about travel in their profiles.  Which is good, because it means you share that interest, but bad because it means that you are also competing with all of these other people who write a lot about travel.  Maybe there are some other hobbies/interests you can emphasize more, both in the profile and in the pictures?  Oh, and speaking of pictures - short hair seems to suit your face really well/bring out a lot of your facial features in the best way.

Poop, missed capitals. I thought I had proofread. . . . must check again.

I admit the travel thing is a sort of a way around talking about "why I haven't done more with my life." TEH GUILT, I HAS IT. I also have an embarrassing number of hobbies, and I rotate through which ones I'm maintaining at the moment, so I didn't want to misrepresent myself.

I do have some candid photos of me painting, but I tend to get a weird expression on my face.(Sort of "wtf" mixed with "ugh.") Is a weird expression worth the slightly more interesting subject matter?

Thanks for the hair comment! Yeah, I have been thinking I might want to cut it off again, though I think I will give myself another month or two to magically transform into Person Who Does Cool Braids and Shit With Her Hair before then.

One thing that I would change is what you are doing on a Friday night. Something like, "Usually I am doing (what you wrote). If I feel like going out I can be found doing X, Y or Z" Right now, it looks like the only social thing you are into is travel, which would make it hard for someone to picture themselves in your life or figure out what you might like to do with them on the first few dates, since they are generally in public spaces.

Oh dear. . . this may be a reflection of my retraction into my introvert cave since moving back home. Is there anything wrong with saying "I've been looking at trying [this activity]" or perhaps "I don't go out on Fridays, but on Wednesday/Saturday I do [blah]"? Right now I actually usually go to bed at 8 pm on Friday because I'm exhausted.  

I never really knew what the purpose of this section was, but if it's "here's how you can date me," I have a variety of suggestions, but mostly not happening on a Friday night. (e.g. I have a zoo pass!!!)

[reboot]

The purpose of that question is kind of nonintuitive.You can totally change it to a different night, so definitely mention zoo dates and other activities you want to try. You will attract the eye of people who already do such things and those that have been wanting to try them too.

[Jane_the_chicken]

Overall, I really like it. I laughed aloud at the AutoCAD line.

The one concrete piece of advice that I'd give is that for your age, the age range you put down seems on the narrow side. If you've thought hard about it and it really matters to you, that's fine, but it may limit your matches. At 27, and your place on life, I'd probably be looking for more like a 10-year spread around my age -- 22/23-32 or so.

Not trying to police your preferences, just asking if that was a considered one or just a "well,I have to put something."

Thank you, and sorry I didn't see your comment before!

The age spread thing. . . um. . . I did think about it, though I'm not terribly attached to it.

To be honest, I'm not really at a very good "stage in life" -- I'm nearly finished with the master's, but I'm working at a fairly low-paying desk job and living with my parents to save up money (guess who spent all her energy on finding international internships and all her money on travel! sigh.) I'm pretty intimidated by the idea of dating someone with conventional markers of success (good job/his own house/etc.) who would feel qualified to judge me for being irresponsible/unfocused in my life goals. (Intellectually, I am reasonably sure this is Not Really A Thing That People Are Qualified To Do.) So, some anxieties about that end of the age spectrum.

[jcorozza]

This is something I've thought about, too - I'm 28, so only a year older, also living with my parents (moved back for grad school 3 years ago, and though I finished last year, I've only found a very low-paying job) - I set my top age at 35. While I don't hear from tons of 35 year old men, despite being financially closer to someone in their mid-20s, I still tend to hear from guys my age up to about 33. Plenty of them don't seem that concerned about whether my life is figured out yet. Not to mention, plenty of guys in their 30s haven't figured their stuff out yet, either! Now, if you don't actually want to date guys in their 30s, then yeah, don't change it. But if you're more worried about them not wanting to date YOU? Let them make that decision themselves.

Another part is that a lot of it is about appearance. When I look at a guy's profile, and he's, say, 31, but won't date a woman over 31, even though I'm usually in the age range he's chosen, I wouldn't message that guy, because something about the fact that he won't date a woman who's even a year older than him makes me think about him in a more negative light. It's dumb, but I do. So there may be guys in your age range, or juuuust out of it, who read that and think, "hmm, she's looking for something really specific" or, "well, she's too picky and won't want to date me".

[Guest]

Well, part of why I asked is that I've known guys in their early 30s who were still in school for one reason or another, and a lot of guys who are done school, but still trying to figure out what they're Doing With Life, and I've known guys at 24 who already have it all together. I'm totally with you on wanting someone in a similar Life Stage, or who doesn't make you feel like you're Failing at Adult (oh, man, do I understand that one), but I worry that suck a restrictive age range might cost you some good matches.

[Jane_the_chicken]

I'll probably change that, then. It's a weird sort of confidence thing -- I am already not very confident* around men in general, and sometimes the additional worry of sounding like I'm talking out of my ass because I'm younger/less experienced in life sort of makes me spin into panic mode.**

*in that I tend to talk too fast and have very rigid body language.
** x 2.

[Jane_the_chicken]

>travelled
A good mix of photos(different lighting/angles/glasses and no glasses/postures), perhaps one with you doing a hobby added into the first three can help. I also like the commentary on the movies you watch, but perhaps make those parts into bulleted lists will help make it less clunky to read.

Thanks for your feedback, BasedBuzzed. I am American, but I pretty consistently mix up which words use one l or two (is it counseling or counselling???? hisssss.)

[Jane_the_chicken]

Here it is again -- I changed out two of the photos for ones with me drawing/painting (one with the weird "wtf" expression) and edited the "about me" to talk more about that.

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/pollotori

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