Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

by **Werel** Tue Jan 05, 2016 3:55 pm

I like raconteur too. Bonus: filters out people who dislike $300 words. Razz

by Prajnaparamita Tue Jan 05, 2016 4:31 pm

Okay, changed! Any other suggestions?

by BasedBuzzed Mon Jan 18, 2016 4:18 pm

Online dating's a bit of a dud, but like any good narcissist I enjoy editing my profile. How does version 3.0 come across? http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Hipstironic

by waxingjaney Mon Jan 18, 2016 7:10 pm

It definitely works as a "here's what you're going to get" profile. Tricky part is finding someone willing to hurdle high enough to get that.

by bitboy1993 Tue Jan 26, 2016 12:58 am

This is a really basic draft for my first profile. I'm happy to change anything so please have a look

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/bitboy1993

Thank you

by BasedBuzzed Tue Jan 26, 2016 6:10 am

Give it a spelling and grammar once-over. Also good to see you have plenty to do in your life, but perhaps word it in a more exciting manner because it sounds a tad dry due to the I, I, I formulation (possible alternative example: "I also volunteer as a computer buddy at my local library. Service with a smile for those who can't get their head around all that newfangled technology!"). Also switch pic 3 and 4, because pic 4 looks very good, and the one with your mates has weird lighting.

by jcorozza Tue Jan 26, 2016 10:21 am

Bitboy, I think you've got some decent stuff to work with. But you're doing a lot of telling - make sure to "tell" by giving some concrete examples, especially in that first section.

I actually think the picture with your friends at the bar/club is the best one - though I'm partial to bespectacled gentleman. You may want to think about your age range settings - they're very narrow. And while you're willing to date 4 years younger, you only have one year above. I'm guessing this is to rule out non-students, but there are some older students out there.

Now as for your answers to the questions. First of all, you should answer more of them. Like, at least 100. Also, your answer to the question about meeting people from OKC (Hesitant, but I'd certainly consider it) is going to be a turnoff for a lot of people, because why invest time if you might not be willing to meet them anyway? Also, you list that you're looking for long term dating, but your answers lean more towards casual sex/short term dating (for example, my "no" to would you consider sex on the first date comes up in red, as do a few of my others in this area.). It may help to consider what is *really* acceptable from a partner, whether it matches your exact answer or not. For example, you might be cool with sex on the first date, but you might also be cool if she wants to wait till, say, the 3rd date.

by Ben Folds Fan 530 Tue Jan 26, 2016 1:53 pm

I posted mine awhile back, under a slightly different user name, and I have been successful at getting some dates with it, but I'm always happy to improve things. So, critique away: www.okcupid.com/profile/BenFoldsFan257

by Mme. Lara Tue Jan 26, 2016 3:57 pm

Hirundo Bos wrote:Unlike last week, my mood has been picking up, and I think it would be a good time to do some work with my online dating. Asking for feedback my okc profile for one thing. It's here:

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/bullgudmundsen?cf=profile

(One question in particular? If I find someone I know there? And it's someone I wouldn't mind getting to know better? Would doing... whatever it is you do to mark your interest... be weird? Seeing as they would have to be interested back to know it? Or am I misunderstanding how it works, or some other OLD social norms?)

Your profile was excellent! You sound like a really self aware person with a very detailed inner life and a strong drive to evolve, which is kind of as good as it gets, and the cuckoo thing was super funny. (take this with a grain of salt as I matched like 95% to it and maybe we're both just horrible, boring people). But I wouldn't change a thing.

by Mme. Lara Tue Jan 26, 2016 4:12 pm

jcorozza wrote:I still think it would be in your best interest to have a less serious photo [...] instead of a "liberal girl", I'd go with "liberal woman" or "someone liberal".

Second this, PaleBlueEyes2410. The photo is kinda too gloomy. I like the second one better. I think it illustrates the text of your profile much better. And about the 'girl' thing, I agree too. If you're looking for people 18-32 then "someone liberal" will go much better.

by Mme. Lara Tue Jan 26, 2016 4:20 pm

Prajnaparamita wrote:Okay, changed! Any other suggestions?

I like how it doesn't waste time trying to attract anyone but the people who are really, really for you. It did leave me kinda curious about what your life is like, specially cause of the intro. I'd like it to include more details on what your day to day is like. Do you work? Doing what? Do you study? Who do you live with? What's something you do every day? It seemed a bit vague.

by Prajnaparamita Tue Jan 26, 2016 7:52 pm

Mme. Lara wrote:
Prajnaparamita wrote:Okay, changed! Any other suggestions?

I like how it doesn't waste time trying to attract anyone but the people who are really, really for you. It did leave me kinda curious about what your life is like, specially cause of the intro. I'd like it to include more details on what your day to day is like. Do you work? Doing what? Do you study? Who do you live with? What's something you do every day? It seemed a bit vague.

Ah yes, I agree, it is very vague, and that's a mix of it being intentional and also really not knowing what to say. You're a newbie, and I haven't been posting much of late, so you wouldn't know this, but I've been struggling with major depression for a long time now and working to get my life back together through therapy, so right now I've not been either in school or working. I've tried going back to school, I wasn't in a healthy enough place to be able to do so, so right now I don't really have much I'm doing. I've been putting myself out there and trying to start dating though as a way to help myself overcome my social anxiety and agoraphobia, and expand the network of people in my life. So... I'm not really sure what to say, you know? I don't want my opener to be too much of a downer, I'm kinda a private person (and I guess struggling with some shame as well in this) and prefer to take my time divulging that, and also being nervous that advertising that I'm struggling and feeling lost in my life could attract the kind of abusive, controlling men who seek out women they consider vulnerable. Do you have any sense of how I might be able to convey that (struggling with mental illness, working to get my life back together again) without it being a downer?

Also, thanks for the feedback on the niche appeal, that's exactly what I'm going for! That being said, I still get messages like every other day or so from men who feel the need to announce to me out of the blue that they like steak. Shrug

Awww, does the mere picture of a shirt that a complete stranger once wore hurt your pwecious wittle masculinity? Razz

by Mme. Lara Tue Jan 26, 2016 9:01 pm

Prajnaparamita wrote:
, and also being nervous that advertising that I'm struggling and feeling lost in my life could attract the kind of abusive, controlling men who seek out women they consider vulnerable. Do you have any sense of how I might be able to convey that (struggling with mental illness, working to get my life back together again) without it being a downer?

It sucks that you're struggling. I hope online dating helps with the social anxiety. I agree that too much info on it will attract the wrong kind of people. So maybe just taking about self care without attributing it a reason. Mentioning, for example, how you're working on meeting more people and being outside more. Mentioning that you'd like to meet more people has the added bonus of being reassuring to folks who might like to ask you out but are kinda taking it slow too, at least I find that when I mention to people that I'm new in town and I'm looking to make friends and know places they get confident about what they have to offer and invite me to things more, and introduce me to more people.
Or random things that might give a feel for your daily life. Do you get up really early? really late? Need a lot of alone time? take walks? talk to the cat? read while you eat lunch? dance alone in your room? cosplay? look up diseases on the internet and freak out? random little stuff. It can help paint you as a complex individual that's not all sunshine and roses all the time without attracting abusers.

Prajnaparamita wrote:

Also, thanks for the feedback on the niche appeal, that's exactly what I'm going for! That being said, I still get messages like every other day or so from men who feel the need to announce to me out of the blue that they like steak.

Awww, does the mere picture of a shirt that a complete stranger once wore hurt your pwecious wittle masculinity?

LOL that happens. I try for the niche appeal too, mostly talking a lot about my most specific interests (comparative religion and anthropology of magic) and I get plenty of 'religion is bullshit also nice tits'.

by Guest Sat Feb 13, 2016 3:25 pm

guess im back? -cue cheesy 80s theme-

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Wintermute-084/

by Wondering Sat Feb 13, 2016 4:08 pm

So, my comments are not going to be about the content since I don't online date and probably don't have much helpful to add in that regard. I am going to say give it another read-over for proofreading. There's some typos and run-on sentences and that sort of stuff that could be cleaned up.

Out of curiosity, what's a BLC? Bacon, Lettuce, and Cheese? Totally agree it's hard to have too much bacon. Smile

by Guest Sat Feb 13, 2016 5:18 pm

Wondering wrote:So, my comments are not going to be about the content since I don't online date and probably don't have much helpful to add in that regard. I am going to say give it another read-over for proofreading. There's some typos and run-on sentences and that sort of stuff that could be cleaned up.

Out of curiosity, what's a BLC? Bacon, Lettuce, and Cheese? Totally agree it's hard to have too much bacon.

Probably need to do some tightening up. I did some of the writing half-asleep lol. Also, I have a tendency to skip words when I'm writing, so I'll be thinking and writing at the same time and accidentally skip a word. It's really annoying. >:I

And yes, BLC was Bacon Lettuce and Cheese. ;D Honestly, I'm not a fan of tomato ever since I was a kid.

by bitboy1993 Mon Feb 15, 2016 6:39 pm

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/bitboy1993

Sorry guys been away for a bit deal with stuff.

Redone my profile but still not 100% sure about it haha

by gaboz Tue Feb 16, 2016 6:49 am

bitboy1993 wrote:http://www.okcupid.com/profile/bitboy1993

Sorry guys been away for a bit deal with stuff.

Redone my profile but still not 100% sure about it haha

i would choose an other profile pic. For the rest it looks good.

by Paladin Mon Feb 22, 2016 2:41 am

I've noticed my visitors and replies have tapered off. Anyone want to take a look?

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/drungarios

by BasedBuzzed Mon Feb 22, 2016 5:29 am

Looks good to me. Do you keep editing it every week or so? It keeps you in the main page, so it can at least bring in more visitors. If you're looking for replies, it can be that you've exhausted the highest matches, so also be sure to sit on top of Who's New (especially since that will make you stand out from the 'hey's' far quicker).

by Xexyz Mon Feb 22, 2016 4:17 pm

Ok, so I've not gotten a single reply for any of the messages I've sent out to people. If I could indulge the discerning scrutiny of you fine DNL readers, can you let me know if there's something fundamentally bad about my messages? Here's a sample consisting of the five most recent messages I've sent:

Hello hfprogal, I've read your profile and think you're a very cool, interesting person. I absolutely LOVE the utter contempt you express for a lot of the thoughtless (or worse) OKCupid questions; without going on my own rant I'll just say I feel the same way.

I'd love to chat and get to know you better; maybe we could commiserate over how much OKC annoys us. What do you think? I'd love to hear from you!

Hi GoRunner I would TOTALLY be your cheeseburger buddy! I'm always looking for new cheeseburgers to try as well - the best cheeseburger I've ever had was at The Lab in downtown St. Paul many years ago; I've been searching for its equal ever since.

You mentioned cats, what kind of cat(s) do you have? I've got a tabby named Rosie and a tuxedo cat named Polly.

Hello Missaccountant, how's your evening going? I've read through your profile and think it's totally endearing; your profession really shows through the way you've written it.

What kind of books do you like reading? You said you're interested in recommendations, but you didn't say what type of books you like. There are so many to choose from!

Don't pick up Kylo Ren's lightsaber! That path leads to the Dark Side!!!

So, uh, hello jessiejean. How are you doing today? In addition to Star Wars, what other nerd stuff do you like? I saw you said you like MMOs, which one(s) have you played?

(This user had a picture of her holding a Kylo Ren lightsaber and talked about being a SW fan in her profile.)

Hello figand, I hope you've had a nice weekend so far! What kind of math wizardry do you do; are you an educator? I love math too even though my math career stalled at Calc III (damn partial diff equations) and I had to switch to econ (though I love that too).

What kind of stuff do you do for fun?

(This user had a relatively sparse profile and didn't mention any pastimes.)

by KMR Tue Feb 23, 2016 11:47 am

I wouldn't say that your messages are fundamentally bad. You're doing a lot of the basic things right: showing that you read her profile by referencing something from it, indicating points of commonality between you two, asking at least one question, etc. But I do think there are a few points of weakness and ways that your messages could be made stronger.

Some general thoughts:

1) I would avoid phrases like "I'd love to chat and get to know you better" and "I've read your profile." By sending her a message, you're already implying that you've read her profile (especially if you make direct references to things in it) and that you want to talk more and get to know her, so these phrases are useless. I think your first message especially suffers from this because you say phrases like these several times and the only question you ask is "What do you think?" which makes it sound like you're just asking for permission to start an actual conversation. Not only is this very unlikely to get a response, but even if it does, you've essentially wasted time sending it when you could have just started with a conversation topic from the beginning.

2) This may be a personal preference, but I would say to avoid questions like "How are you?" or "How's your evening going?" These are the kind of questions that I expect from someone I know already but haven't spoken to in a while as part of small talk, but they feel really out of place to me as part of a first message on a dating profile, because I don't know the person yet. I also don't think you're likely to get much of a response out of them; most people aren't going to actually tell you about their day or discuss in any length about how they're feeling, so you'll just get a response of "fine" at best. These questions aren't fundamentally problematic (especially since they're not the only questions you're asking in those messages), but I think they're kind of extraneous.

3) I would actually recommend asking at least two questions on different topics instead of just the one. I think it's helpful in case the one question you ask doesn't grab someone enough or give them any good ideas for a response. It can make it seem as if you have more potential points in common and that you're even more interested in getting to know them. And if you do get a response, you're likely to get a more substantial one that should make it easier for you to think of things to say in return.

4) This may again just be my personal preference,* but I would add just a little more substance to each of your messages, for pretty much the same reasons I described in #3. Write two sentences about yourself that relates to your questions instead of one. (For instance, in the cat example, you could add another sentence about your cats' personalities in addition to just describing them.) Or turn your question into a multi-part question and answer each part for yourself. (So the MMO question could become "Which ones have you played, and which one is your favorite and why?")

*I like to communicate through writing, and prefer to spend a little more time getting to know someone online before meeting in person, so I favor slightly longer and more substantive messages. I also find that my best matches share this conversational style, so a slightly longer message tends to indicate a better match for me. But not everyone is like that, so my advice may not apply to some of the people you message.

by BasedBuzzed Tue Feb 23, 2016 12:53 pm

^Excellent points. I'd say also experiment with adding vids that relate to music tastes/fandom in the message (Todrick Hall parodies for people who mention Disney, "Wizard People, Dear Reader" for Potterheads, any genre fusion or genre parody for music tastes such as Girl In A Country Song for country), and having one easy question and one that requires are more elaborate answer. My template:

"It's awesome that you're into X, it reminded me of bumping into (vid). Have you been to any concerts of it recently? I went to (insert own anecdote). On a completely unrelated note, did you do anything fun for the weekend/have you anything fun planned for the weekend?" (adjust the last question according to how high you estimate the chance of someone not going "work/nothing" based on the profile)

Initial reply rate of 1 in 3 to 1 in 4 I think, so take from that what you will.

by Xexyz Tue Feb 23, 2016 12:59 pm

Thanks for the advice, KMR! 3&4 are tips I'll keep in mind for the future, but to be honest I'm having trouble contextualizing 1&2. For #1, to me it just seems polite to gently engage the person to gauge their interest before starting the actual conversation; to do otherwise would be like going up to a stranger and just rudely start talking at them as soon as you made eye contact. I think #2 is also in the same vein; I've always thought it polite when interacting with a new person for the first time to ease into the conversation with typical small-talk phrases.

Since you're advising the near opposite of what I've been doing, perhaps I've fundamentally misunderstood the customs and expectations with online chatting? I've always tried to approach online chatting with the same courtesy that I would use if I was going to chat with a stranger in real life.

If you don't mind and if it's possible/feasible, could you post an example of a message you have/would respond to?

by Wondering Tue Feb 23, 2016 1:53 pm

I don't online date, so take this with as much salt as you will, but 1 and 2 that KMR said also hit me the wrong way.

"I've read your profile" was just odd and filler. Like when I used to teach freshman composition and you could tell the a student didn't have much to say so just used empty phrases to fill out length requirements. As KMR said, it's obvious you read the profile. This phrase seems not only empty but overly formal. Like, "We read your application/resume...." I would definitely dump that phrase.

"How's your evening going" does seem overly familiar and like a demand on the person's time. What if she doesn't see the message until the next day? What if she's busy doing other things while on the computer (I assume you only send this if you see her online at the time)? It sets up a dynamic of her telling you how she's doing right now . That seems pushy in addition to the overly familiar tone KMR calls out.

I like your Kylo Ren opener best, but then you go to the formal/empty stuff before asking about Star Wars. The pacing changes.

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