Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

[Wondering]

Yay! I'm so glad that you got in and that you feel good about it.


And I understand feeling excited. I feel eager almost every time before one of my appointments, too.

[Guest]

Yeah, I'm definitely looking forward to next week and thinking about what else I'll be unpacking.

I won't lie to you I was a little nervous going in and my eyes did start welling up more than once. Huuuoh. But I'm excited!

[Guest]

Heeeyo, it seems that i only post in this thread when I'm sad as hell or lonely as shit. Or was it when I'm piss drunk? Well this is the tail end of being drunk, like almost the tip so probably by the time i end this post I'll most likely be sober.

Anyway, I i'm kinda treating this thread as kinda blog of course with questions and thoughts and feels that I come up with as the days go by or when they come up when I'm drunk (again). For example, last Halloween when I was drunk as shit and managed to snatch a small cheek kiss from a girl I had a revelaaation. There's a difference between a guy who's an asshole and a guy who's a piece of shit. I'm more of an asshole, and that's okie and I actually kinda like it.

Another thing that's been a bit of a mystery to me since forever was, I still don't understand quite fully how girls fall for guys. For as long as I can remember that kinda deal has always been a mystery for me.

Then another thing I still can't figure out after reading old posts and comments and emails of mine (while ripping open old wounds) is IDK how to flirt still. I kinda figured what it is, it's to show "interest" in someone right? Or nah?

Reply or nah, I'll prolly just talk to myself here in this thread.

[Jayce]

I'm always a fan of trial and error, you have an idea, you implement it, see what happens, and then you evaluate whether you like it or not.

That was what I did with alcohol, after many nights of drinking, I finally came to the conclusion that I love being sober, I'm way much more confident when I know I'm in control of myself and I don't feel dizzy. Women pay way more attention to me too, and it's easier for me to talk, easier to make friends at parties when I don't drink. And that's what works for me, other guys think I'm crazy when I tell them that I can only be comfortably social when I'm sober. I'm not against drinking by the way, I love cocktails and they are delicious, I'm just a lightweight, beer gets boring (like of feels like water, juice or milk after a while) and alcohol has never worked out for me. For some people I know, drinking brings them more out of their shell, and shows other people that they are having fun.

I really do think figuring out what you like is a big deal because in the end you're more likely to do things you like, and you'd be less miserable too. Maybe you can structure those questions more personally, like changing "how girls fall for guys" to "what do I want a woman to like about me?", and changing "how to flirt" to "how would I like to flirt, and out of those things what might be effective?"

After you figured those questions out then you can go implement your ideas and see what happens.

[Guest]

Huuuooh, when talking about dating I always feel like I need a drink only so I can have a giggle about it.

I'm always a fan of trial and error, you have an idea, you implement it, see what happens, and then you evaluate whether you like it or not.

That was what I did with alcohol, after many nights of drinking, I finally came to the conclusion that I love being sober, I'm way much more confident when I know I'm in control of myself and I don't feel dizzy. Women pay way more attention to me too, and it's easier for me to talk, easier to make friends at parties when I don't drink. And that's what works for me, other guys think I'm crazy when I tell them that I can only be comfortably social when I'm sober. I'm not against drinking by the way, I love cocktails and they are delicious, I'm just a lightweight, beer gets boring (like of feels like water, juice or milk after a while) and alcohol has never worked out for me. For some people I know, drinking brings them more out of their shell, and shows other people that they are having fun.

I've figured that I have the opposite reaction to drinking, I get a little foolhardy, sure, but I become rambunctious while under the influence. Normal Sober Mikey is way more of a social stick in the mud, at least with women I'm attracted to anyway (unless they're already fairly friendly with me). I just don't give a shit about much when I'm inebriated, that's how I get comfy. Don't get me wrong I can do okay when sober too I can talk to women just fine, but when it comes to women I'm attracted to and I'm sober, hah, no thanks. (And so we're clear, while they may be physically attractive, it doesn't mean that I'll be attracted to everyone, ya know? )

So yeah, drinking really helps bring me outta my shell.

I really do think figuring out what you like is a big deal because in the end you're more likely to do things you like, and you'd be less miserable too.

Not really sure what you mean here. There's a lot of thinks I like, beer and honey whiskey being some of those things.

Maybe you can structure those questions more personally, like changing "how girls fall for guys" to "what do I want a woman to like about me?", and changing "how to flirt" to "how would I like to flirt, and out of those things what might be effective?"

After you figured those questions out then you can go implement your ideas and see what happens.

What do I want a woman to like about me...? That's a great question, one that I can't really fully answer without referring to my physical appearance because that's like the default dude mode of thinking curse guys have. Ugh. I dunno, maybe my silly hair? My usual silliness? Or my unfunny dry crude sense of humor? How excited I get when I listen to "Orion" and air guitar the shit out of it when I don't have my physical guitar? Honestly not many people really to see or hear much of that, but maybe if I'm drunk and at a party they silly crude Me, I dunno. I'm rambling now.

As for the flirty bit... I still can't really wrap my head around it because I don't really know how to flirt. I can't be too overt lest I wanna get slapped but I can't be too subtle lest they think I'm not interested, which doesn't really work out as well as you'd think unless you're ruggedly 1960's Clint Eastwood handsome (which I am not). I'm aware of the different "styles" I guess, but it feels kinda forced/try-hard if I try something like that maybe?

All in all, I haven't really been trying the dating thing much anymore (my art > dating) and I had to cancel my last appointment with my counselor because I didn't have my Jeep. I've been meaning to go back but at the same time it's been kinda ehh.

[Werel]

Maybe you can structure those questions more personally, like changing "how girls fall for guys" to "what do I want a woman to like about me?", and changing "how to flirt" to "how would I like to flirt, and out of those things what might be effective?"

That's a really great way of putting it!

I dunno, maybe my silly hair? My usual silliness? Or my unfunny dry crude sense of humor? How excited I get when I listen to "Orion" and air guitar the shit out of it when I don't have my physical guitar?

Those are all good starting points! But I wanna point out that none of them are other-focused-- that is, they all have to do with inherent qualities of yours, and not so much the way you interact with other folks. A huge component of what attraction is built on is interpersonal dynamics--the way you treat other people, and respond to them--so what aspects of that stuff do you want people to be attracted to? Humor is kind of in that category; somebody with a similarly dry sense of humor could build a good back-and-forth. What other dynamics do you think you could build with people you're attracted to? Are you a patient listener, or a sassy tease, or an asker of challenging questions, or a cuddly advice-giving pillow, or a great adventuring partner? What do you want to offer other people in an interactive sense, not just in a "they're looking at me from a distance and seeing X, Y, and Z" sense?

[Guest]

Those are all good starting points! But I wanna point out that none of them are other-focused-- that is, they all have to do with inherent qualities of yours, and not so much the way you interact with other folks.

See I'm having trouble figuring that stuff out since I've been spending a lot of time alone in the last year & change that I've, maybe sorta forgotten some of that stuff. Don't get me wrong, sure I have co-workers, but I don't really like many of them enough to want to hangout with them. Or maybe they don't like me, let's not rule that out.

A huge component of what attraction is built on is interpersonal dynamics--the way you treat other people, and respond to them--so what aspects of that stuff do you want people to be attracted to? Humor is kind of in that category; somebody with a similarly dry sense of humor could build a good back-and-forth. What other dynamics do you think you could build with people you're attracted to? Are you a patient listener, or a sassy tease, or an asker of challenging questions, or a cuddly advice-giving pillow, or a great adventuring partner? What do you want to offer other people in an interactive sense, not just in a "they're looking at me from a distance and seeing X, Y, and Z" sense?

Yeah, that's a really hard question to answer. Prajna and other women I know might tell you I'm a good listener but I can't help but feel I'm missing something else and what that is I don't know. I'm not the only good listener in the world there's tons of us. I'm inquisitive for sure and I tried bringing that too OLD and in a lot of my previous OKC messages I'd ask questions about stuff but never got an answer. And unless someone knows me, they're not gonna cuddle me either.

So if there's anything I want to offer other people in an interactive sense, maybe go for everything? Or nah?

[Guest]

Remember, don't drink and post. I shoulda learned by now right? (In case you hadn't noticed I'm kinda drunk lol)

Anyway, yeah I am sooooo much social/fun when I drink. And I like music I normally fucking hate when I'm sober. Ehh, probably easier to dance to when you're drunk. Anyway, I'll prolly share some deets of this later. Heh, thank FUCK for autocorrect, seriously.

Mikey man, awaaaay.

EDIT: I like and hate getting drunk because then I get kinda horny but also I get really friendly with women. And I like that but I'm not sure if I got it in me to do more stuff, ya know? It's kinda weird lol. Yeah I'm kinda drunk (still) and just thinkin about stuff because i was drinking and govereeting with others my age. I forgot how that could be fun, just gotta be careful who's girl I wanna hang with I guess. Luckily it didn't go south. Am I forgetting more stuff? Maybe? I dunno. Prolly time to sleep.....

[Guest]

I should really start looking into doing standup as a form of therapy because my life, problems, and thoughts really are funny. Obviously, if I write out my "jokes" here they're prolly not gonna make much sense and the jokes probably won't be as funny unless I performed them onstage. But hey who cares.

[Guest]

Man, I just don't get it. I really genuinely still don't fully understand how romantic relationships are formed or how OLD quite works still. I read DNL's latest Kotaku column a little bit ago and LW3 stuck out to me the most considering I'm also a single guy trying and failing at the whole OLD thing pretty hard.

Then the Doc mentions the whole chemistry thing again which I have no idea how to build up even though I've done the things he's talked about in the article in the past only to really get me nowhere. I know, I know, I'm the problem, I get that, that's fine. Then he brings up this:

It may also be good to examine some of your past interactions to find some clues. If nothing leaps out at you, then have a friend whose judgement you trust look at some of your conversations with these women and see what they think about how you’re coming across.

And honestly for some reason that kinda thing scares me because I really do take criticisms from people I care about personally that I feel if I hear bad stuff I'll feel like poop. Silly, I know. No, I won't be angry, but I will be sad. Strangers, I don't give a shit, call me whatever you like, but a close friend pointing out a character flaw I know of, it's more than just a flesh wound. Yes, I lean a little on the self-centered and yes I have something of an ego (well, when it's convenient) and yes I know those are fatal character flaws. But... when you spend a good 80 to 90% of your time by yourself, don't you think you'd be a little self-centered? Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, I'm probably screwed if I don't wanna listen to that stuff, right? Right...

Ahh there was more to this i just don't remember off the top of my head...

[ElizaJane]

And honestly for some reason that kinda thing scares me because I really do take criticisms from people I care about personally that I feel if I hear bad stuff I'll feel like poop. Silly, I know. No, I won't be angry, but I will be sad.

How are you feeling now?

You're right. It will hurt. You will feel like crap. You will be shocked and horrified that you've been doing things wrong. But then you'll be able to stop doing those things, and will start to feel better, not just from the pain of hearing something hurtful, but from things across the board.

It's like removing a really bad splinter. The splinter hurts a little, and getting it out hurts a lot. But the longer you wait, the worse the background pain will grow, and once it's gone, you can start to heal.

It will absolutely hurt to hear critique of yourself. Look at it as the pain of removing the splinter.

[reboot]

Besides, not knowing does not mean that those characteristics do not exist. If you are ignorant of them you cannot address them. It is going to hurt and it is going to be embarrassing to hear, but not knowing means things stay as they are, which is clearly not what you want. Sometimes we just have to walk into the punch and get it over with.

Remember, though, everyone has negative characteristics, so you having some is expected. It does not make you a bad person or mean people dislike you. The people you are asking are your friends and are telling you about flaws. If you were in their shoes, you could and would do the same for them and acknowledging their flaws would not mean that you did not like them

[Guest]

How are you feeling now?

You're right.  It will hurt.  You will feel like crap.  You will be shocked and horrified that you've been doing things wrong.  But then you'll be able to stop doing those things, and will start to feel better, not just from the pain of hearing something hurtful, but from things across the board.

It's like removing a really bad splinter.  The splinter hurts a little, and getting it out hurts a lot.  But the longer you wait, the worse the background pain will grow, and once it's gone, you can start to heal.

It will absolutely hurt to hear critique of yourself.  Look at it as the pain of removing the splinter.

I'm feeling fine now, thanks. :3 I wrote this while in a bad place and then posted it later in the day when I wasn't feeling so crappy -- but still felt sorta shitty. Trust me when I say that I know I've been doing things wrong. What I've been doing wrong I have no idea and honestly I've just been talking to people like a normal human being.

No, I understand completely why I would need to hear it but I honestly sometimes would rather not. It's an ass backwards way of thinking, yes. But I'm a squishy boy when it comes to me and people who care about me and vice versa.

All righty, when the time comes I'll try to keep the splinter in mind.

Besides, not knowing does not mean that those characteristics do not exist. If you are ignorant of them you cannot address them. It is going to hurt and it is going to be embarrassing to hear, but not knowing means things stay as they are, which is clearly not what you want. Sometimes we just have to walk into the punch and get it over with.

Remember, though, everyone has negative characteristics, so you having some is expected. It does not make you a bad person or mean people dislike you. The people you are asking are your friends and are telling you about flaws. If you were in their shoes, you could and would do the same for them and acknowledging their flaws would not mean that you did not like them

Right, that's absolutely true. Gotta hear and look at the bad stuff/what's not working/broken to be able to fix it. And if I may be honest for a second I'm also a ball of contradictions and hypocrisies from time to time. Like you said, I obviously don't want things to stay the same, correct; buuut, at the same time I really don't want to hurt so it creates an odd conundrum doesn't it?

Yeah, of course everyone has flaws. But I'm squishy when it comes to friends/people I care about pointing those out, I know it's shitty of me to say that. Because, I do take it personally I know it's not meant to be that way. It's silly to think otherwise from a friend. I mean, why else do you think I've taken rejections from warm approaches poorly (internally)? On the outside, I'm coool as fuck but on the inside its more like...





Yeah, not my finer moments.

I'm going to get a lot of flack for this but many times I'd rather just give up and be on my merry way. Forget about all this silly dating stuff but it keeps nagging me. It's dumb, my reasoning just goes in a circle. Ask person out, they say no and almost a week later they're seeing some one else. How does that work? I have no idea, I don't get it. Now we're here again.

Honestly, dating has been one of the biggest challenges I've faced in my life that I'm on the fence about either leading a loveless/sexless life or doing something about it. Boy have I done shit about it and boy do I fucking suck. I have other theories too but those are frowned upon, so for now it's all my fault and will always be my fault. Now where's the closest bar...?

[Enail]

I don't think it's dumb or shitty to feel hurt by people you care about pointing out flaws even when you know it's to help you! Feelings are feelings, and everyone has times where their emotional self just isn't up to following along with what their thinking self tells them is the best thing to do. And you don't have to force it - you can choose to focus on what that emotional self is saying rather than pushing through with thinking self and tending to your emotions afterwards; you get to decide when your emotional state needs to take priority and when the pain is worth it to advance towards your goals, and you're the only person who can decide that.

And similarly, it is absolutely okay to decide to set the dating issue aside if you want to. It's your life, you get to decide how you want to live it, both in the moment and in your long-term direction.

I don't think you're doing yourself any good by telling yourself that you're having trouble because you suck and it's all your fault, either. There's a difference between taking responsibility and recognizing that there might be things you need to improve, and just beating yourself up. Needing to improve, having flaws, screwing up, those are totally normal things that everyone does. Sure, it's frustrating when they're keeping you from what you want to do, but it doesn't mean you're terrible and should beat yourself up for it.

[Guest]

I don't think it's dumb or shitty to feel hurt by people you care about pointing out flaws even when you know it's to help you!

Exactly, they mean well and I cannot fault them for trying to help. After all, I would have been the one who asked them in the first place. If I'm in a good and strong emotional state, I can definitely take criticism well. Ultimately it's about setting things right and getting better.

Feelings are feelings, and everyone has times where their emotional self just isn't up to following along with what their thinking self tells them is the best thing to do. And you don't have to force it - you can choose to focus on what that emotional self is saying rather than pushing through with thinking self and tending to your emotions afterwards; you get to decide when your emotional state needs to take priority and when the pain is worth it to advance towards your goals, and you're the only person who can decide that.

Okay, yeah that definitely makes sense. When I'm already feeling awful about myself, I really don't need a reminder of my negative personality flaws. If I'm not feeling up to it and my emotions are getting the better of me, I should prolly stop and regain composure. Or am I way off base here?

And similarly, it is absolutely okay to decide to set the dating issue aside if you want to. It's your life, you get to decide how you want to live it, both in the moment and in your long-term direction.

I don't think you're doing yourself any good by telling yourself that you're having trouble because you suck and it's all your fault, either. There's a difference between taking responsibility and recognizing that there might be things you need to improve, and just beating yourself up. Needing to improve, having flaws, screwing up, those are totally normal things that everyone does. Sure, it's frustrating when they're keeping you from what you want to do, but it doesn't mean you're terrible and should beat yourself up for it.

The thing is, I put the dating aside a lot despite it never getting off the ground. So even I think it's silly to put it aside when I haven't gotten anywhere because I'm too afraid of what will happen to the people I do ask out. (What I mean by that is, like with warm approaches, can't help but feel that they get wigged out because I asked them on a date )

I'm not? But I always thought the Doc said the common denominator in regards to dating is [me]? I acknowledge full well that I'm stuck and a dummy for being afraid of improving thus leaving me in a perpetual state of frustration. I may not be terrible, but I sure do feel like I'm terrible...

EDIT: Just to not be a complete downer I try to make my posts silly enough to be enjoyable while still talking about issues through the use of silly gifs.

[Enail]

Okay, yeah that definitely makes sense. When I'm already feeling awful about myself, I really don't need a reminder of my negative personality flaws. If I'm not feeling up to it and my emotions are getting the better of me, I should prolly stop and regain composure. Or am I way off base here?

Not off base, that's exactly what I meant!

I don't think you're doing yourself any good by telling yourself that you're having trouble because you suck and it's all your fault, either. There's a difference between taking responsibility and recognizing that there might be things you need to improve, and just beating yourself up. Needing to improve, having flaws, screwing up, those are totally normal things that everyone does. Sure, it's frustrating when they're keeping you from what you want to do, but it doesn't mean you're terrible and should beat yourself up for it.

I'm not? But I always thought the Doc said the common denominator in regards to dating is [me]? I acknowledge full well that I'm stuck and a dummy for being afraid of improving thus leaving me in a perpetual state of frustration. I may not be terrible, but I sure do feel like I'm terrible...

Well, sure, the common denominator is you, but that doesn't mean that the issue is that you're terrible - even if it's something about you or what you're doing, it's most likely some particular behaviors or a trait you're not showcasing well or a few problems in a social skill rather than that you are awful and need to change everything. You're taking the idea to an extreme, and I think that's counterproductive.

[Guest]

Not off base, that's exactly what I meant!

Phew. #nailedit Thankfully, I'm not entirely clueless.

Well, sure, the common denominator is you, but that doesn't mean that the issue is that you're terrible - even if it's something about you or what you're doing, it's most likely some particular behaviors or a trait you're not showcasing well or a few problems in a social skill rather than that you are awful and need to change everything. You're taking the idea to an extreme, and I think that's counterproductive.

No? I mean, of course I'm not a monster of human being. I get what you're saying, though what those behaviors/traits or skills are I have no idea. I just know that I still can't really talk to women I'm attracted to (attractive =/= somebody I'm attracted to) all that well, or at least I don't know how to "flirt" as they say.

In any event, it certainly feels like I'm awful because it feels like I'm inconveniencing/skeeving people out with rather common and not obscene pantsfeels that really aren't on display very often nor are they creepy (allegedly) when I actually say I have some sorta feelings for them. Unless me being nervous as fuck doesn't do me any favors... Am I making sense? Probably not. I dunno, I was convinced I had to overhaul a bunch of stuff which I slowly was, but I guess my anxiety/nervous towards women folk I'm attracted to doesn't help.



Aah screw it.

[Wondering]

Are you still going to see the school therapist?

[Guest]

Are you still going to see the school therapist?

Unfortunately no, life got in the way.

I had to get my Jeep fixed (borked transmission) and on the day that I was scheduled to see my therapist my Jeep was ready. Ergo, I had cancel that appointment after arriving late to the previous one. So obviously I was embarrassed by this, side jobs were popping up and I was being a good older brother too... tl;dr I haven't seen my school therapist in awhile outta embarrassment and just being busy.

[Jayce]

No, I understand completely why I would need to hear it but I honestly sometimes would rather not. It's an ass backwards way of thinking, yes. But I'm a squishy boy when it comes to me and people who care about me and vice versa.

Right, that's absolutely true. Gotta hear and look at the bad stuff/what's not working/broken to be able to fix it. And if I may be honest for a second I'm also a ball of contradictions and hypocrisies from time to time. Like you said, I obviously don't want things to stay the same, correct; buuut, at the same time I really don't want to hurt so it creates an odd conundrum doesn't it?

Yeah, of course everyone has flaws. But I'm squishy when it comes to friends/people I care about pointing those out, I know it's shitty of me to say that. Because, I do take it personally I know it's not meant to be that way. It's silly to think otherwise from a friend. I mean, why else do you think I've taken rejections from warm approaches poorly (internally)?

Yes you won't like it. But let me tell you something, being able to have other people constructively criticise you is a luxury. Your friends can just avoid the topic and say something nice that won't offend you, or they can just keep the social contract smooth by not making you feel bad and just point out frivolous things. Not everyone have people in their lives that are willing to do something like that. In addition things like this take effort and not everyone have the skills in order to give constructive criticism.

Constructive criticism never feels good but being able to actively listen to what other people have to say allows you to see their perspective on things, especially if you feel that you are lacking awareness on the topic.


In my opinion, you are supposed to take it personally because it is about you (it dosen't mean your friends are attacking you though). The key word is "constructive", focus on that aspect. I don't think on average other people are more resilient than you are either, everyone has feelings that can get hurt.

I don't think I've learnt to take rejections better internally on the spot either, because it hurts, it does. But what I have learnt is what I'm going to do with myself after I feel the pain. I think there was this quote in a DNL article before "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional". You are definitely going to feel pain when other people criticise you, we all do. After that you can either choose to be continually mopey about it or you can choose to get up, scratch your head and see where you can go with the knowledge you have gained.

I'm not saying you always should take criticism cause like Enail pointed out sometimes you just want some peace and quietness, but I'm just providing some opinions on the topic of receiving feedback.

[reboot]

Are you still going to see the school therapist?

...... tl;dr I haven't seen my school therapist in awhile outta embarrassment and just being busy.

Do not worry or have embarrassment over canceling appointments prevent you from making new appointments and taking care of yourself. People cancel doctor and therapist appointments all the time because life happens to everyone. The counselor/MD does not care and they usually fill in the gap with another patient or paperwork, so you did not mess up their schedule or anything.

No, I understand completely why I would need to hear it but I honestly sometimes would rather not. It's an ass backwards way of thinking, yes. But I'm a squishy boy when it comes to me and people who care about me and vice versa.

Right, that's absolutely true. Gotta hear and look at the bad stuff/what's not working/broken to be able to fix it. And if I may be honest for a second I'm also a ball of contradictions and hypocrisies from time to time. Like you said, I obviously don't want things to stay the same, correct; buuut, at the same time I really don't want to hurt so it creates an odd conundrum doesn't it?

Yeah, of course everyone has flaws. But I'm squishy when it comes to friends/people I care about pointing those out, I know it's shitty of me to say that. Because, I do take it personally I know it's not meant to be that way. It's silly to think otherwise from a friend. I mean, why else do you think I've taken rejections from warm approaches poorly (internally)?

Yes you won't like it. But let me tell you something, being able to have other people constructively criticise you is a luxury. Your friends can just avoid the topic and say something nice that won't offend you, or they can just keep the social contract smooth by not making you feel bad and just point out frivolous things. Not everyone have people in their lives that are willing to do something like that. In addition things like this take effort and not everyone have the skills in order to give constructive criticism.

Constructive criticism never feels good but being able to actively listen to what other people have to say allows you to see their perspective on things, especially if you feel that you are lacking awareness on the topic.


In my opinion, you are supposed to take it personally because it is about you (it dosen't mean your friends are attacking you though). The key word is "constructive", focus on that aspect. I don't think on average other people are more resilient than you are either, everyone has feelings that can get hurt.

I don't think I've learnt to take rejections better internally on the spot either, because it hurts, it does. But what I have learnt is what I'm going to do with myself after I feel the pain. I think there was this quote in a DNL article before "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional". You are definitely going to feel pain when other people criticise you, we all do. After that you can either choose to be continually mopey about it or you can choose to get up, scratch your head and see where you can go with the knowledge you have gained.

I'm not saying you always should take criticism cause like Enail pointed out sometimes you just want some peace and quietness, but I'm just  providing some opinions on the topic of receiving feedback.

^ This. All of it

[Guest]

Yes you won't like it. But let me tell you something, being able to have other people constructively criticise you is a luxury. Your friends can just avoid the topic and say something nice that won't offend you, or they can just keep the social contract smooth by not making you feel bad and just point out frivolous things. Not everyone have people in their lives that are willing to do something like that. In addition things like this take effort and not everyone have the skills in order to give constructive criticism.

Correct, CC is never fun because it's something you worked hard building up only to be torn to shreds. Unless you know in your heart that you can do better. And yeah, some people aren't great at offering good CC if high school social interactions taught me anything back then...

Constructive criticism never feels good but being able to actively listen to what other people have to say allows you to see their perspective on things, especially if you feel that you are lacking awareness on the topic.

In my opinion, you are supposed to take it personally because it is about you (it dosen't mean your friends are attacking you though). The key word is "constructive", focus on that aspect. I don't think on average other people are more resilient than you are either, everyone has feelings that can get hurt.

It most certainly does not feel great. But when it's good CC and I get it from people I respect and I'm in a good headspace where I won't get my feelings hurt more than they already are. Bring it on, whatever makes me become a better person is fine with me. Like I've told others before, "how can make it better?" Or in this case me, but I'm a person an already flawed person that can only improve so much at a time over time, you know? I'm not like one of my paintings where I can just fix shit with a few brush strokes lol.

And that's right, constructive criticism never really comes out of malice, nor is it ever an actual personal attack. It just feels that way.

I don't think I've learnt to take rejections better internally on the spot either, because it hurts, it does. But what I have learnt is what I'm going to do with myself after I feel the pain. I think there was this quote in a DNL article before "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional". You are definitely going to feel pain when other people criticise you, we all do. After that you can either choose to be continually mopey about it or you can choose to get up, scratch your head and see where you can go with the knowledge you have gained.

I'm not saying you always should take criticism cause like Enail pointed out sometimes you just want some peace and quietness, but I'm just  providing some opinions on the topic of receiving feedback.

Honestly it depends on the mood, though rejection hurt is different from crit hurt in my opinion. Rejection is like a rejection of your entirety by a member of the opposite sex and I have no idea why that hurts the most. Oddly enough, reading about emotions and whatnot, I have learned that I can't just swallow those pains, I have to feel it to get over it. If I get rejected i won't show sadness outright until I'm alone, maybe not the best way to cope, but it helps.

And any pain I may experience from constructive criticism will probably come for me already having felt crappy. I dunno, it's hard to explain. But that's more of a discouraged kinda hurt, maybe? Like "Aw shit. Well, now what?"

Do not worry or have embarrassment over canceling appointments prevent you from making new appointments and taking care of yourself. People cancel doctor and therapist appointments all the time because life happens to everyone. The counselor/MD does not care and they usually fill in the gap with another patient or paperwork, so you did not mess up their schedule or anything.

Okie that's a fair point. I'm just trying to be considerate of them and other patients they may have ya know? Luckily I called them ahead of time to let them know what's going on, and also this fella has some weird office hours. Only in the afternoon on some days which is when I work. D:

[Guest]

Hey is there a way for me to change the topic title? Or do I gotta leave that to the mod team? If sooo, would it be possible to change the title to reflect the more whiny/ranty/journal /diary nature now. Anyway...

Huuuoooh, I really should stop reading DNL articles and the comments. The more I do the more I'm convinced dating and romantic relationships are made of Asgardian magic.

EDIT: Except for the horror stories, those are fucked up, man.

[Werel]

That's a mod thing. Happy to change it for you if you lemme know what you'd like the new title to be!

[Guest]

That's a mod thing. Happy to change it for you if you lemme know what you'd like the new title to be!

If you could change the tag to say vent/discussion that be great, thanks!

EDIT: Yay, thanks. You're the best Werel. :3 Here's a pic of golden retriever puppies as a thank you.

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